Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Confessions of a Drunk Dialer

2005-11-30T14:13:00.000-05:00

Dude. Seriously? I need to lay off the drunk dialing/texting. I don't know what possesses me to do it. Ok, so obviously the alcohol is definitely a factor, but man, I don't NEED to be doing this.

Hung out with my girl last night at her house, drinking wine, talking about the wedding and looking at each others' art and shit. It was revealed to me that J, the guy who basically blew me off a little after my birthday, was thinking about proposing to his girlfriend. Now, they've only been together for like 3 months. What the fuck? He was the best man at my best friend's wedding and maybe the wedding bug just got to him that night, but shit. The kid, let's be honest here, kind of broke my heart, though my feelings for him were all my own and I should have known better. Did I cry over him? Fuck no, but he was great and it affected me. I'm over him, really, I am, but he's still a good dude and it sucks that he is even thinking this way. Sucks for me lol. How selfish is that? I'm horrible. So I drunk texted him "Don't do it" on my way home last night. He has NO idea why I said that or what I know and he never answered anyway, so what's the point of this entire post? I don't know, but I had to get this out - grrrrrrrr...Lack of food perhaps, since I haven't had a thing all day. I'm woozy. I need a drink.

Gotta cut this short, though I've got so much more to say about this. Time for my studio lab.

Ciao fuckers.

The Big Day

2005-11-27T17:14:00.000-05:00

My best friend's wedding was amazing. Simply magical, really. I spent the night with her at the hotel on Thanksgiving night and we woke up at 5:45am b/c we couldn't sleep from the excitement! It was great. We got soooo super trashed, but we all had so much fun.

As soon as I get some more pictures from my girls, I'll post the link.

Hope everyone had a fantastic holiday!!

;-)

Ciao fuckers!

Fuk'n clutz

2005-11-20T17:10:00.000-05:00

So guess who fell down a flight of stairs today? Yup, you guessed it. Stupid Yaz. I was so excited about having gotten a decent night's sleep for once in my life and I smelled the coffee and started to run down the stairs like an asshole. Two steps into it and I slipped (I had on socks and my stairs aren't carpeted. Fuckers), coccyx first into the 3rd step and I hit my head a few times. I am leaving work soon. My boss called me from home and told me to bounce to the ER. No thanks. I think I just want to take my dizzy ass home.

Thank you for letting me share that. I'm an asshole.

P.S. Everyone join MySpace. Two of our fellow Blogspot bloggers recently made profiles and I think you all should too! ;-)

Ciao fuckers.

Oh Man. I Couldn't NOT Blog This

2005-11-19T15:33:00.000-05:00

So. As I stated a few posts ago, the catty bitches are still catty.

I am fuming right now and I only have myself to blame b/c I can't resist knowing what these bitches are saying about me. It's actually pretty funny how lame and just completely wrong they are.

Sara (the bitch neighbor) and I had a rather heated email exchange on Thursday in regards to a comment that she made to my roommate. Apparently, she said the stuff on the porch (which amounts to my car mats...uh and that's it) made us look like we lived in the ghetto, or something to that effect. Wanted to know when I was going to clean it up. Oh man. If you could only see the fury in my eyes when I heard this. I thought my fucking head was going to spin.

I erased all of Sara's numbers from my phone (like I do to everyone that gets cut out of my life), so I text'd her co-worker (who I USED to be really cool with...I'll get back to that in a second) to ask for her work number. Yes, I was going to call that bitch and tell her off. I am crazy. I don't give a fuck.

He knows we're not on speaking terms (I told him why I was angry with her and Sharon the Cow a month or 2 back...we were drinking. Apparently, he either misheard me when I explained it all to him, which I did grudgingly b/c he just HAD to know...anyway, big ass mouth that kid has...ok, sory, I'll get to that in a sec), so he asked why I wanted her number. Long story short, he wouldn't give it to me b/c he knew she was going to get bitched out.

So I emailed that hairy whore, and I asked her if she was going to be home around 10pm when I got home from class b/c I had to talk to her about the snide remark she made to my roommate. She replied that she didn't say that and even if she did, it was in a joking manner. Ain't nobody but me is going to be laughing when I punch that bitch in her face. Anyway, so she basically went on to say that she was merely looking out for me, since it has rained a few times and the mats are still out there and they're going to get moldy. I told her I didn't need her damn insincere advice and let her know to be a woman and come to me if she had something to say. Point blank. Period. Nada mas.

She proceeds to forward every single email from me and her replies to Sharon the Cow. They went back and forth all day yesterday, saying that I'm crazy and they need to stay away from me. Yup. I know I'm crazy and I'm alllllllllright with that. Sorry I don't fit into a neat little box with a fake ass bow. Sorry I think differently than most people. Whatever.

So then, man-woman Sara "finds out" from her co-worker the reason why I am mad at them is b/c they said I looked like a whore in a picture that they saw of me. That is sooooo far from the reason and soooo far from what I told CB (the co-worker who wouldn't give me her number). CB distorted the whole thing and said this to N, who told Sara. Are you getting how childish and idiotic this whole thing is? I feel like I'm in High School again.

Sara the Lard and Sharon the Cow go on to say that they don't remember saying that about me, but yea, I do look like a whore in pictures. Thanks guys! ;-) I'm sorry that I take pride in my appearance, sorry I shower more than once a day (Sharon the Cow doesn't take showers on Sundays - that's no bullshit either), sorry I have such beautiful friends and we have a great time together and the pictures show that.

They went on to say that I have a guilty conscience about being a slut and that's why I took offense to what they said. Mind you, none of this is true, as this is not the reason I cut them out of my life, but their speculation is awesome. I do enjoy stupid people!

The one thing that made me stop laughing at all this is when Sharon the Potbellied Pig made a comment about my miscarriages being prior to 22 years old and due to my being a slut. Not that I have to explain any of that to anyone, but if you're going to talk shit about my personal drama, at least get the facts right.

When I feel close to someone, I tell them private things about myself. I take this very seriously, as I don't open up to just anyone (well...I open up to all of you, don't I?!). My personal shit should not be bandied about between two idiots with mush for brains. I don't even know how to put into words how angry it made me. I don't have anything to be ashamed of and I don't have many regrets about what I've done or haven't done in the past.

It's amusing how a person can be a slut when they haven't had sex in months. What a great chuckle I'm having even writing this. I can't believe I just wasted the last 30 minutes writing about these stupid bitches. But I had to keep y'all informed!! Ok, I'm done venting about that. Thanks for being patient.

In other news, been hanging with a dude. Cool guy. We've hung out every night for the past 3 nights. He's a very cool cat. Artist. Amazing painter and illustrator. That's it. We're cool. Gonna see how it progresses. I'll keep ya updated ;-)

Ciao fuckers.

Low Latent Inhibitionism

2005-11-16T13:16:00.000-05:00

Even though I've been really busy lately, I am in a place now where I need to organize my thoughts.

Due to an abnormal amount of drug (pot) consumption in SoBe, I've carried the activity to Yonkers, NY. LOL. I've discovered that my brain can't just process images or sounds or words. I see the image and I think about how it was made, where it came from, where its going. I hear the sound and analyze what made that sound and how the instrument that made the sound was made. I hear the words and picture them coming out of the speakers mouth, how the vocal cords vibrate...

I find that I've always thought this way. I just released it all into my craft, my paintings, my drawings, my words. But when I smoke...I just let it take over.

Just a little something I wanted to share with all my friends in Bloggerville.

Keep rockin' and I'll write more soon.

Ciao fuckers.

Still here...

2005-11-15T20:21:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. I just wanted to write quickly and say that things are going ok for me. The wedding is next week and I've just been busy being a good bridesmaid. I should have been the maid of honor b/c the current one SUCKS. Its sad when even the bride and her entire family agree. That's ok though - I'm happy to do whatever I have to do for my best friend and to make next Friday a day she will never, ever forget.

School is still school - straight As of course lol, and work is...well...tedious, arduous and alot of other "ous's" lol.

Oh is it 4:20 right now? Well, it is in my house lol. Gotta go relax...

Ciao fuckers.

She's aliiiiive!

2005-11-11T00:54:00.000-05:00

Hey people. I've been trying to post something for the last day or two, but it kept crashing and I just gave up. Long story short, I'm here, droning away as usual. School, work, rinse and repeat.

My internet has been spotty lately b/c certain catty bitches, who shall remain nameless (Sara, the catty neighbor, you fuckin' bitch), oops, have been tampering with my wireless router (which resides at her house, since she's the one with the internet service). What a tool that small minded fuck turned out to be. So, thanks to one of my girlfriends at Verizon, I'm getting this pad outfitted with some DSL in a week or two, so I'll be taking back my router, fuck you very much.

Grrr.

On the upside, I've been on MySpace alot this week. Pretty interesting place man. Interesting indeed.

Ok, I'm gonna try to fight off this insomnia with some Tylenol PM. Gotta work in the mornin'!

Ciao fuckers!

Oil Change?

2005-11-02T11:54:00.000-05:00

How bizarre. I just got an email from the Civil Engineer, stating that he can't hang out tonight b/c he is taking his car to get an oil change and tomorrow he is fixing his friend's brakes.

Mmmmkay.

Now, in my experience, it doesn't take but a few minutes to get oil changed, especially if you take it to Jiffy Lube. And since when does an oil change take precedence over getting laid?

My answer to that is simple: it doesn't. Mr. Civil Engineer probably has other plans tonight and wanted to give me an excuse that sounds valid. Being the kind of girl that I am, I see right through that shit.

He went on to say that we'll hang out soon and I just replied "mmkay", my standard response to bullshit. My tenacity is nil at this point, since I was aggressive more than once and now it would be just plain pointless to pursue this.

And the drought continues on.

I have better things to do with my time than sit by the phone or wait with bated breath for that email. I'm smarter than that. This I know, and I used to have trouble putting this kind of attitude into practice, but not anymore.

Perhaps I will go out tonight instead. But I am so sick of the bar scene. Ok not SICK of it, but that's not the kind of environment in which to meet someone substantial. Where shall I go? Barnes and Noble? I mean shit, where are all the quality men?

I feel like I'm the one who needs an oil change. I am backed up. LOL.

Ciao fuckers.

Like ridng a bike??

2005-11-02T00:16:00.000-05:00

Need some stress relief, y'all. Seriously. Between school and work, I am worn out! (But, on the upside, I am getting straight A's). ;-)

I've been trying to get a piece of ass from the Civil Engineer. I know, I know, I shouldn't be so aggressive. I should let him chase me. But, really, I need to get laid. He is always asking me why I'm so angry all the time lol. Perhaps if he would put out, I would be a nicer person! Just kidding - I swear, there is not a mean bone in my body (...anymore...) - I care too much about other people's feelings that its no longer in me to be hurtful. Off on a tangent again. Must work on my story telling skills.

Anyway, so I'm hoping that he comes over tomorrow. I know what I'm getting myself into. Fully aware. And let me tell you: I am quite nervous. Its been FOUR MONTHS since I got me some and I'm afraid I've forgotten how to do it. Plus, he is like this really fiiiiiine man, in good shape, athletic...ooooh. Can't wait. But still so nervous. I hate to be all whiny and insecure, but damnit, I am not that fly! Don't want to disappoint. Eh...doubt it. I always get all weird when it comes to sex, but I need to remember that two bodies are meant to fit together, no matter what one or the other looks like. Must commit that to memory.

But...whatever happens, I plan to handle myself with all the grace that I can muster. And a smile:

Ciao fuckers!

Hooking up

2005-10-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

Hmm. Ok so I won't get into details, but I went out on Friday night with one of my 8 closest friends. We smoked, we drank, we had lots of fun. Now, one of the guys we were hanging out with happens to be one of my co-worker's best friends. We will call him "The Assumer" lol. My co-worker was there with him. His name will be "Muscles" heehee. So Muscles gets really wasted and disappears. The place was closing, so my girlfriend, her co-worker and I were ready to leave. I asked The Assumer if he wanted to come back to my place to smoke with us and he said yes. So we all go back to my place, smoke and my girlfriend and her co-worker got up to leave. Now I was beyond trashed at this point - I was more high than drunk - and The Assumer just stayed there. So I'm like ok, whatever, this dude ain't getting any anyway, so he can sleep on that side of the bed. I didn't care. But, of course, The Assumer assumed that he was getting ass. He tried to rub on me and I was disgusted. I was like dude, its sleepytime. No, really, I used the word "sleepytime". I had my back to him and told him this. But he was not getting it! He was like, "I don't even get a kiss"? I said, no, now go to sleep. So after another 10 minutes of trying, he gave up, called a cab and went to his girlfriend's house.

A few things about me that you may not know:

I do not have random sex
I do not have random sex ESPECIALLY when I am drunk or high
I won't (again) make the mistake of having sex with an attached dude
When I say NO, I mean NO

Don't fuckin' try to get lucky just because I didn't kick you out when other people left. I was wasted and couldn't get those words out in time. But I damn sure know how to say NO, drunk, sober and in a few different languages, just in case English doesn't do it for you.

I know I'm a cock tease. I don't mean to be. I shouldn't be. But I'd rather be a cock tease than accused of being loose. Thank you.

LOL.

May your orgasms be strong and plentiful.

Ciao fuckers!

Words from the Wise (ok, Words from Oprah)

2005-10-27T20:58:00.000-04:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends" (oooh ain't that the damn truth??!) A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women (I wish I would have read this before I got with that bastard "baby mama drama"-havin' jerk). He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later (PREACH ON OPRAH!!). You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. . . Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs (pshhh all the ones I've met are). You should not be the one doing all the bending. . . compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. . . You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you ...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. . . look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right...Make him miss you sometimes. . . when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

CIAO FUCKERS!

Taking matters into my own hands

2005-10-25T20:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, so although the bible states that women should be pursued (to indeed prove that he IS into you), I decided to take matters into my own hands and pursue the Civil Engineer. Successfully. Thank you very much.

I can handle the physical relationship with no strings attached. I am ooookkkkk with that.

The drought will be over soon. Yahoo.

Back to doing homework now.

Ciao fuckers.

0000 hours

2005-10-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

It's the witching hour y'all. Midnight. Yup. All alone as usual. Hopefully, I'll be changin' that soon.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot stay celibate forever. Yes. Celibate. I said it. Re-read that for the proper emphasis.

I've been spending a lot of time alone, listening to new music (well, not new, but has anyone listened to the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack? Just lovely!), trying to make some sense of what's going on in my life right now. I've determined that I am essentially neglecting my needs in order to accomplish things like school and work. I need to get laid.

Its been four lonnnnng months. I'm gonna go blind soon, you know what I mean? My email buddy errr...the civil engineer? I may not have mentioned him, but he is definitely FWB material. Lean, but muscular, Italian yummy, smart, funny and outgoing. The only thing is that he is one of the Techie's closest friends. But guess what? The Techie missed out and its not like he and I had more than a 3 minute phone conversation anyway. I've moved on. The Civil Engineer is a bit of a playa...ok, a bonafied slut - TOTALLY NOT LOOKING TO SETTLE DOWN. That's OKKKKKKK with me. I'm ready for that sucka. Seriously. I am very independent, but there are just certain things better left...uh...in the...hands of others.

Fo' sho'.

Ciao fuckers.

Furthermore

2005-10-19T13:25:00.000-04:00

I need to vent a bit.

I rather enjoy the fact that the 2 manly looking, fat bitches that have the audacity to talk about me and my friends - well, they're catty amongst themselves too. Or rather, its a little more one sided. (I also enjoy the fact that I'm probably the only one who can understand this blog lol. Sorry for being cryptic lately guys)...

As a new reader pointed out a couple of days ago ('sup Ms. BreaMd!!)...time to cut the fat. I do feel like slicing that shit off with a Ginsu knife, to be quite honest with you.

LOL

Apartment Hunting

2005-10-19T12:50:00.000-04:00

Oh and the plot thickens. "Catty Bitches Anonymous"...they should have meetings.

Although I know all the things I know because of nefarious actions on my part (is that vague enough for ya??), I am happy I know what I know. LOL.

I need to find an apartment. Anybody sees anything in Yonkers, lemme know!!!!

;-)

Ciao fuckers!

Its a Down Day

2005-10-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

Yep. Emotional rollercoaster lately. I'm a cantankerous little ball of angry spirit, rolling out of control and picking up more shit on my way down.

Disappointment is the name of the game people. And I'm tired of playing it! Anyone want to go to the wedding with me? LOL. Bueller? Bueller?...yea that's what I thought. No takers. [sigh]

So in light of my shitty mood, I am posting more lyrics. Sometimes Eddie Vedder just says it better than I can.

Indifference - Pearl Jam
I will light the match this mornin’, so I won’t be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon night will be gone
Oh, I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I’m free to roam
Oh, I will make my way, through, one more day in hell...
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make, yeah...

I will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
Oh, I’ll keep takin’ punches until their will grows tired
Oh, I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind hey,
I won’t change direction, and I won’t change my mind
How much difference does it make
Mmm, how much difference does it make...how much difference...

I’ll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
How much difference
How much difference does it make?

I Got ID - Pearl Jam
My lips are shakin’
My nails are bit off
It’s been a month since I’ve heard myself talk
Only advantage this life’s got on me
Picture a cup in the middle of the sea

And I fought back in my mind
Never lets me be right...
I got memories, I got shit
So much it don’t show...

Oh, I walked the line...
When you held me in at night
Oh, I walked the line...
When you held my hand and i...

On empty shells seem so easy to crack
Got all these questions
Don’t know who I could even ask
So I’ll just lie down and wait for the dream
Where I’m not ugly and you’re lookin’ at me

And I’ll stay in bed...
Oh, little I’ve seen there
If just once I could be loved...
Oh, I’d stare back at me

Oh, I walked the line...
When you held me in at night
Oh, I walked the line...
When you held my hand and i
Oh, I walked the line...
When you held me close at night
Oh, I paid the price...
Never held you in your eyes

Wishlist - Pearl Jam
I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off.
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on.
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top,
I wish I was the evidence
I wish I was the grounds for fifty million hands up raised and opened toward the sky.

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me.
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me.
I wish I was a messenger, and all the news is good.
I wish I was the full moon shining off your camaro's hood.

I wish I was an alien, at home behind the sun,
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on.
I wish I was the pedal break that you depended on.
I wish I was the verb to trust, and never let you down.

I wish I was the radio song, the one that you turned up,
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish,
I guess it never stops.

Oh Yup, the Hits Keep On Coming

2005-10-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

Got into a car accident on my way to work. Motherfucker cut me off. His fault. I can drive my car, so I'm not too stressed about it. Well, I am b/c when is it going to end?? His insurance will be paying for the damage. I am so tired of this bullshit. This black cloud needs to dissipate already for real.

Con"fuse"ing

2005-10-15T13:35:00.000-04:00

It was a damn fuse. My parents picked me up and we drove down to the parking garage that my dead car was sitting in. Dad cleaned out the battery, yadda yadda, still wasn't working. So I asked my Dad to look at the fuse box and lo and behold, the main fuse was busted. We took out the plastic parts and my Dad touched the two sides of the copper thingy that the current runs through and voila! My alarm went off!...we tested the alarm some more and then I was able to turn the car on! Woohoo!!!!!!!!!! ;-) My Dad electrical taped the busted copper parts together so that the car would run and I am going to get the thing fixed and winterized early next week.

All is right with the world...and with my '98 Mazda 626 (time for a new car though...soon).

Yahoo!!

Ciao fuckers!

Murphy's Law

2005-10-14T22:53:00.000-04:00

So its been a really bad week. I try to refrain from whine-blogging as much as possible, but damnit, I need to vent (as I sit in my bedroom , double-fisting Corona Lights and smoking the hell out of this Newport).

Not only was my flight from Miami on Sunday delayed for 2 hours, causing me to get home after midnight - mind you, I had to study for a Photoshop test that I was having @ 8:30am Monday - morning, but I was also really sick, to boot. Called out of work and slept all day after class.

Tuesday I wake up and decide that I'm going to withdraw from my 6 hour Tues. class because its a waste of my day - so I didn't go - and I decide to be proactive and start doing the website that's due for my Thursday class...only to discover, after doing about 2 hours of intense work...that my laptop is slowing down. Then, well of course, it freezes up. I tried a hard reboot to no avail. I call those Dell tech support motherfuckers and they basically told me I needed a new hard drive. That's all fine and dandy, but being that I spent about $600 on partying in South Beach, a bitch was just trying to save money, so I reinstalled XP (which, with my 20 GB hard drive, took about 10 hours, including the time it took to reinstall all the other software). Although I lost all my files and alllll of the hard work I put into my assignment, I did all that shit fo' free. It's 10pm at this point, so I work until midnight, redoing all the website stuff.

Wednesday went by just fine. Worked on the website some more and watched 'Lost' with my backstabbing neighbor (didn't know she was a jealous bitch until Thursday!)...took some medicine and passed out.

Thursday - website was due by 6:30 when my class starts. Lo and motherfucking behold, laptop frozen again. I just got fed up and went to CompUsa, bought a $150, 80 GB hard drive and paid another $50 to have it installed. Yup, lost ALL my shit again. This time, with the larger HD, it only took me about 2 hours to reinstall everything. Luckily for me, I'd already uploaded all my work to my school's server, so I worked off of that and finished what I had to do before I left for class that night. Got compliments from my professor on my progress, so that's cool. Worked on the website some more when I got home at 10pm and went to bed.

Woke up early today (Friday) to go to work. Drove downtown, in the pouring rain, to 57th and 9th, where I park my car in an indoor garage. See, my haughty ass refuses to take public transportation - sorry, I just can't deal with the idiots one can run into, so I avoid the train like the plague. Work was fine, bugged out with my cool-ass boss, put some jerks in their place and by 7:30pm, I was ready to go home. I put in my 8+ hours, so I left.

They were taking forever to bring my car up after I'd paid my little $18. They told me that my battery was dead and that they were giving it a boost. Cool, no prob, ya know, these things happen. Then about 20 minutes later, while I melted in my own sweat (its hot up in that bitch), I was informed that my car was 'muerto' (Spanish for dead). I went down and tried my best to get that fucker to start - no dice. I went outside and called my Dad (he's the bomb) and he told me to bust out the wrench, take off some cables and wash the acid off the battery with club soda. I picked up some club soda, broke out the emergency kit that good old Dad gave to me and pulled out that wrench. I couldn't figure out what he needed me to unscrew, so I just cleaned off the top of the battery. Nope, didn't work. The parking lot attendant tried to boost it with a portable battery, didn't work either. Its costing me another $34 to keep it there until 8:30pm Saturday.

I call my Dad back and he said that he and my Mom would pick me up in the morning and go with me downtown to look at the car. Mind you, my parents live in Peekskill, which is about 40 minutes north of my house and it takes another 40 minutes to get from my house to work. Huge inconvenience, but they are the best parents anyone could have and they're doing it with pleasure. I don't call on them often, but they're there in a pinch - and they offered - so I accepted. My Dad told me to sign up with AAA ASAP, which I did when I walked back to work.

Lucky for me, my job supplies us with cars home after 10pm, so I was able to hop in a car and get home (another $72, but the company pays for that).

My fuckin' point is that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong, thank you Mr. Fuckin' Murphy and your smart ass. Amazingly, I didn't bug out, didn't scream, remained cordial throughout this entire week, even though I feel like I am suffocated with all this bullshit. Money doesn't grow on trees and regardless of the fact that I have a good job, I don't need this shit.

I have bills to pay and I'm trying to find another place to live. I just can't deal. My Dad reassured me that everything would be fine. My biggest concern is getting to school on Monday morning - I HAVE to drive there. There is no other way. Its 30 minutes northeast of me.

I just hope that everything goes well tomorrow. I don't pray, but if you believe in that kind of thing, throw my name up there too. I could use the extra help.

Ciao for now, man...

Friends...how many of us have them?

2005-10-14T08:49:00.000-04:00

That's an old song by the way.

So found out yesterday that 2 people who I thought were good friends, were actually catty little birches talking about me behind my back in regards to the pics I sent them from my vacation. Now if someone says, hey have a great time, I want to hear all about it when you get back, wouldn't you send them the pictures too? Don't be jealous or anything b/c YOUR bachelorette party was such a snore. These chicks are like 30 years old, grow up, come on man. Ugh. Had some very mean things to say about my friends. They're beautiful inside and out - how could you have something bad to say about that?!

Whatever. I had to vent that out. I need to move, I can't be around people like that...apartment hunt is on fuckers.

"Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down, oh no, I got to keep on moving!!" (LOL!! Ghetto Diddy with the remix!!)

Ciao for now!

So Many Details, So Little Time

2005-10-12T23:25:00.000-04:00

There is so much about South Beach that I loved: the clubs and bars, the beach, the pools, the Jacuzzi at 5am eating bagels after the club with 8 of the most amazing women in my life...and so much to share about all those places and all my friends...but, I'm beat, so I'll keep it short.

We were greeted after landing on Thursday morning by a 14 passenger stretch Excursion limo...mucho classy!!...we checked into our hotel and headed over to Finnigan's Way for eats and drinks...ate outside and then it started pouring, so we went inside for about 4 rounds of shots - Apple Bombs...yummy!!

Walked in the rain to Wet Willie's for Call-a-Cabs and Miami Vices. So much fun! Bought a few bottles of vodka and went back to room 537 with the shit balcony lol...we smoked up a few times, and drank until about 10pm, then went to Crobar and danced the night away. Changed into our bathing suits and walked on the beach and dipped in the Jacuzzi! 15 hour drinking marathon the first night. Awesome!

Beach, pool, jacuzzi on Friday morning...laughed like crazy people. Had a fantabulous dinner at a Cuban restaurant on Washingon...More blazing and drinking...off to Space we went for a fun night in the VIP lounge...

Saturday, some of us were sick (probably due to walking around the cold hotel the night before in our bathing suits, wet from our nighttime drunken swimming adventures), but we managed to get tans and play tag in the ocean, got out for some lunch, walked around and then we passed by what looked like a biker store and I got my nose pierced! Hurt like a bitch, but I love it!! We went back to Space that night for more VIP treatment on the roof top. Although I was sick, I danced as much as I could, but I didn't drink much. Someone had to stay sober to take care of the sleeping beauties lol...went to 537 around 6am and the 8 of us ate bagels and bullshat for a bit.

Sunday, woke up around 10am, packed and had the most amazing meal at Zula's, then went out to buy some South Beach sweatpants and tees for myself...got me a shot glass too...finally, we were pooped out and happy to come back to New York...our flight was delayed for 2 hours and I didn't get home until midnight...grrrrrrrr.

All in all, it was the best trip I've ever taken in my entire life and I am so happy that I was able to bond with my girls - about half of us were single and we didn't look at one dude. It was all about us in South Beach - getting to know each other better and tightening up our 'sister circle'...just amazing. I'm happy I'm back, but I wish I could just step into another realm sometimes when it gets rough or stressful and be back in South Beach with my sweeties.

We should all be so lucky...

Ciao!

More pix!!

2005-10-11T00:45:00.000-04:00

Go here (courtesy of my girl Jess)...

Enjoy!!

South Beach Pix!

2005-10-10T21:04:00.000-04:00

Click here for the pix from my vacation...

I played hooky from work today because I'm still under the weather, but I have an ass load of homework to do tonight, so hopefully, I'll have details from the trip tomorrow...

p.s. I only pierced my NOSE, Mad Munkey. LOL

Ciao!

What a weekend

2005-10-10T00:16:00.000-04:00

Hey! Just got back home from South Beach and boy let me tell you: what a weekend it was. Lots of boozing, partying, piercing, debauchery and an incredible time with 8 of my closest friends. Must study for a test I have in the morning. Then to work I go. I won't be posting again until Tuesday and hopefully by then, I'll have pix for ya!

Til then...

Ciao fuckers!

Epiphany

2005-10-04T14:22:00.000-04:00

So during a long email exchange with my new friend Madi (met her through the girls we're going to South Beach with back in January and we quickly became like sisters) this morning, I came to realize the root of all my insecurities, physical, mental and emotional. I've decided to write this letter to the asshole that ruined my life: the life that, painfully, everyday I'm trying to rebuild.

Dear Willie J. Huffaker (a.k.a. The Asshole)
Everytime I look in the mirror, I want to spit on the reflection. Everytime I feel insecure about my weight, insecure about the person I am, I want to spit on YOU. All those times I told your pot-bellied ass how sexy you were to me, I should have eaten my words.

I blame you for my not being able to say two normal words to a good looking guy, for fear of him not finding me attractive. I hate you for making me feel fat, even when I was looking better than I ever did in my life. I hate you for your verbal abuse, telling me I wasn't good enough. I hate you for discouraging me from going back to school b/c then we'd never see each other and I hate myself even more for believing it. I hate you for promising to come over and never showing up. I hate you for having been broke b/c, as a result, I was broke too for supporting your stupid ass. I hate you for taking me for granted and making me never want to do anything nice for another man.

I hate you for the times that you pushed me around, choked me, threw me into a metal pole in the parking lot, fought me to the ground and threatened to kill me, while adding that you'd done it before. I hate you for using my car as a 'pimp ride', riding around, 'protecting' hookers. I hate you for all the hustling and drug dealing I was forced to witness, just because I was too stupid to realize that I was only sitting there with you because you made me feel that I couldn't do any better.

I hate you for calling me a whore, when it was you that never broke up with that bitch who looked like a close relation to a horse. I hate you for ruining my credit. I hate you for taking advantage of me, taking my kindness as a weakness.

I hate you for getting me pregnant. Twice. I hate you for bitching that you had to sit in the emergency room with me because I had miscarriages. Both times. I hate you for letting me sit in my house alone, crying, cramping, bleeding and in pain, so that you could take the kids you chose to have with two different women, home. I hate you because I had to call my brother to take me to the hospital, the first time. I hate you because I miscarried at work and had to take a cab from the city all the way home because you were too busy to pick me up.

I hate you for being the reason that I can't be intimate with someone. I can't share my world, I can't share my dreams, I can't share the innermost aspects of myself, for fear of being laughed at and shit on the way you did to me.

I hate you for making me feel like I could never be beautiful, and for not believing others when they've said so. I hate you for never celebrating my birthday and never telling me how happy you were that I was born.

I hate you most of all for making me hate myself. I hated myself for so long and I abused myself b/c I thought I deserved it. I cut myself, I drank too much, I changed who I was on the outside because I thought I couldn't change what was within.

But now I know that I am strong because I went through all of these things. I'm strong because you're weak. I'm strong because I AM worth it and I AM beautiful and someday, I will show it on the outside as well as I do from the inside.

Thank you for being all that you were: nothing. I now know, after a year of being without your sorry ass, what a man ISN'T. I know what a relationship ISN'T. It WASN'T that 3.5 years of my wasted life. It wasn't you. You were but a stain in my heart, that, thankfully, I rubbed out the minute I left you.

And I never looked back.

--Yaz

2 Days...

2005-10-04T10:21:00.000-04:00

...and counting.

Today is my Holy Day. I call it "Girlification Day". Today I shall get a mani, a pedi, a waxy and a tanny. LOL. Must be girly today. I can't wait to be alone while I do it too. I just wish the peeps at the nail salon didn't talk so much. Shit. I pay an assload to relax. Whatevssss.

No word from 'The Techie' yet, but his boy and I have been emailing each other since yesterday. I am a slick bastard, but I'm keeping it friendly, not mentioning L. When your name is kept on people's tongues...well, that's my theory anyway.

K, off for my day of beauty!

Ciao fuckers.

Even closer

2005-10-03T17:05:00.000-04:00

So. 'The Techie' called me today while I was driving home from work. Nothing major, but hey he called right? Gotta stay optimistic.

Ciao fuckers.

Closer

2005-10-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

So...went up to Ardsley today for the memorial celebration. Yea I went to work, but I did what I had to do and then headed up there. L, 'The Techie' was there and from what Sara told me, he wasn't into the girl he bounced with last night and didn't know why he bothered in the first place. Ok whatever. As he was leaving, he came over, gave me a kiss and said hello and goodbye. I said lata!!

His bro invited a whole bunch of us over to L's house and we went and bought beer and headed over there to watch football. Got there and he smiled and thanked me for bringing beer and munchies over, said I didn't have to. I told him that I never go to someone's house empty handed.

Long story short, I don't know what's going to happen. We were all pretty buzzed and the guys were blazing before we got there. After Sara left, I blazed with A, L's brother, so I was feeling it a little bit, considering I was too hung over to eat anything all day today. L and I talked a bit. He actually knows where my old high school is b/c he played them in football. We're both 1980 babies and we laughed about that. I drove his boy home to White Plains, and before I left, I just said lata b/c honestly, had I been a little closer to him, I might have just molested him. He is THAT beautiful. I love Italian men. Jeezus.

His boy gave me his number and I called him and left a message with my number. Ball is in his court now. I made the attempt to get the ball rolling. Details to come, I HOPE!!!

Ciao fuckers.

And the idiocy strikes again

2005-10-02T11:16:00.000-04:00

Boy am I tired. Ok so, things with 'The Techie'? Yea, didn't go over too well. He is more beautiful than I remember and I was so intimidated. We didn't really talk much, mostly because I refused to chase him. We were in conversations together, but I'm like a fuckin' social retard when I like someone. He really intimidated me. Not intentionally, but he is that beautiful. Can I say that enough? I felt like an ugly duckling next to him and unfortunately, it showed. Hate that. Besides, he ended up seeing some not so attractive girl that he knew and they ended up leaving together. Hey, I don't blame him: single guys - always go for the sure thing when ya just want a piece of ass. I'm far from a sure anything and I'm a real prude...I should get that on a t-shirt...nice.

Went out afterwards with Sara, Bauer, Sid and 'The Techie''s brother. No one could figure out what he was thinking by leaving with her. They all said she was a friend of a cousin or something like that but whatever. Those are all euphemisms for "sure thing" in my book.

The memorial ride for Chris is today and I won't be there, gotta work duh. But all the dudes that we hung with last night will be there, so Sara is on a recon mission. I told her to give him my number or whatever. What do I have to lose right? I should have had that attitude last night.

Ciao fuckers.

DOWNLOAD THIS NOW!

2005-10-01T20:27:00.000-04:00

I Got ID - Pearl Jam

My lips are shakin’
My nails are bit off
It’s been a month since I’ve heard myself talk
Only advantage this life’s got on me
Picture a cup in the middle of the sea

And I fought back in my mind
Never lets me be right...
I got memories, I got shit
So much it don’t show...

Oh, I walked the line...
When you held me in at night
Oh, I walked the line...
When you held my hand and I...

On empty shells seem so easy to crack
Got all these questions
Don’t know who I could even ask
So I’ll just lie down and wait for the dream
Where I’m not ugly and you’re lookin’ at me

And I’ll stay in bed...
Oh, little I’ve seen there
If just once I could be loved...
Oh, I’d stare back at me

Oh, I walked the line...
When you held me in at night
Oh, I walked the line...
When you held my hand and I
Oh, I walked the line...
When you held me close at night
Oh, I paid the price...
Never held you in your eyes

Off to meet up with 'The Techie' and the boys with Sara in a few - just thought I'd pass along this ditty to make ya smile!

Ciao fuckers.

Boys n' Toys

2005-09-30T23:16:00.000-04:00

Nice. Just came back from grillin' Sara's honey next door about 'The Architect' (as he will be referred to going forward). Here is what I learned:

Italian
6'2"
Metrosexual (this is a plus...I like to do nails)
Doesn't like hair in uh, places where it has no business being
Goes to strip joints (oh yea) on occasion
Smart, obviously
Comes from money (this is a tough one b/c I don't like snooty people...but from what his best friend told me, he's a good guy)
Has his own place (veryyyyyy good)
Likes to drink (um. yea, 'nuff said!)
Likes porn (helloooooooooo!!!!)
Has a good sense of humor...and...
HAS A FOOT FETISH!!!!!!!!!! (good thing I have pretty feet, huh?)

Plus he thinks I'm hot and that's always a...well, plus. He comes back from Cali on Monday, so maybe we can all hang before I leave for South Beach, but if not, definitely when I come back. Yahoo! High five on that!

ANDDDD...hanging out in White Plains tomorrow with Sara and her dude friends to honor the 2nd anniversary of her boyfriend Chris' passing. 'The Techie', L, is someone who is a part of that group of friends and I met him a year ago at the Memorial Ride in Chris' honor. It was brief, didn't get to talk to him much, but I was like, in love for a few months. He is beautiful. And in the IT field, so we have something in common. He already knows I'm interested: Sara passed on that info and told me after she did it (that little sneak!), so I'll be seeing him tomorrow. Looking forward to it!

A little flirting never hurt anyone, right??

10 Days to go and Long Live Tenacity

2005-09-26T20:57:00.000-04:00

So peeps, 10 days until I leave for South Beach...and the drama is over.

I won't get into it, but, just a heads up: Liberty Travel can kiss my entire ass (insert 2 snaps up here). In the end, we got back the money we deserved and fought like hell for that shit. Fuckin' travel nazis. But, being the thorough and tenacious ladies that we are, we filed a formal complaint with their corporate office and also sent letters to the Better Business Bureau, the Attorney General's office and a host of other companies that actually give a fuck about customers and their dinero. It pays to be educated about your rights. Rock the fuck on man.

In other news, Toad (S's honey) text'd me today asking for S's full addy so that he could send her Godiva chocolates upon her return from London tomorrow. HOW CUTE!! ;-)...and he said that Steve, his friend - the architect (LOL Scott!!), was in Cali and would be back in a week...and that he said hello. Niiice.

Ok Prison Break is on, gotta go drool.

Ciao fuckers.

My apologies

2005-09-24T13:38:00.000-04:00

My apologies those who may have been offended by the post below.

I, personally, and for myself only, believe that words are just words, not daggers. I have been called a million names, have been insulted, have been chided for my heritage. My people are those Puerto Ricans Monty Brogan talks about. I know some of those Italians. I grew up with some of those Africans (yes, the immigrants, not just African Americans). I have friends within each "race" mentioned in the monologue. None of these friends could ever be offended b/c words are words. And yes, actions are actions and sometimes the words provoke mental pictures of hate and menace...but that is not how I mean it here.

I don't believe in "race", "color"...people are people and that's why words are just words to me. Everyone wants to put someone else down to make themselves feel better. I don't want to be in a box, mentally or otherwise. But yet, this world chooses to stereotype and pigeonhole people. So make fun of the stereotypes, like Monty, whose girlfriend was a spic, and best friends were a Jewish dude and a "Self-styled master of the universe" Wall Street broker.

The point is that Monty, in that moment in front of the mirror (catch the irony here), blamed every single person in NYC for his fuck up. He blamed them all before looking at his reflection and finally accepting that it was him. He caused his own drama, his own pain, his own failure.

I chose to post that monologue, not because I am racist (farrrr from it), but because Monty was in a 'fuck the world' kinda mood, just as I was yesterday. I chose to post it because its an incredible piece of cinematic history (yes, history) that undoubtedly left an indelible mark on my soul. Fer real.

I call myself a spic - I crack jokes - I absorb whatever hurt is intended by others because I live in the greatest, most diverse city in the world - NYC - a place that I love and hate - and I was born a fighter and a survivor.
So my point is: when you think about your past and you remember being called a name, being called a 'fag', being called a 'jew' - whatever deviation of what society deems as 'the norm', that you may be - think to yourself "FUCK YOU". Fuck you, fuck your words, you can't hurt me. I am strong. I will not live in a box, I will not let you pigeonhole me, your words CANNOT PENETRATE ME.

Let that shit go. And be fuckin' free man.

Just call me Monty Brogan...

2005-09-23T23:41:00.000-04:00

It's been a sucky day. Don't take offense to the following, incredible monologue from 25th Hour:

Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from! Fuck the black-hatted Hasidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom! Fuck the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos. Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take fives steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on! Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville, J! Fuck Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fueled fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass!

CIAO FUCKERS!

"Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"...

2005-09-22T22:20:00.000-04:00

Sooooo I'm watching a program on The Discovery Channel called "Sex Mania", which is about sexual enjoyment and compulsion.

There is a dude on here who is a recovering sex addict. He's talking about how the compulsion began after he got married: he'd masturbate after his wife went to sleep, he began sleeping with hookers and seducing his clients.

Now this worries me: is excessive masturbation really a symptom of Sexual Addiction? What is considered excessive? If once a day is deemed excessive, then I'm on the road to SA. Point me towards the nearest meeting, please.

But, on the other hand, I do also acknowledge the following:

I don't have sex. I've no one to have sex with.
Even when the opportunity presents (or rather, has, in the past presented) itself (i.e. I am making out with a dude and uh...the opportunity arises), I do not partake.
I readily accept the fact that I may never have an orgasm with a man (or woman for that matter).

Reason 3 is why Reason 2 exists. What the hell is the point? Why have sex? Yes, intimacy is great, but I am not going to spread my legs for a dude that I have no connection to.

For now, I will just settle for the deep connection that I have with my vibrator.

Ciao fuckers.

2 WEEKS AND COUNTING...

2005-09-22T15:07:00.000-04:00

...until we leave for South Beach. I just finished paying off the trip today and my excitement keeps building. All 9 of us email each other all day long talking about it. Fuck. I just hope there are no fuckin' hurricanes while we're there. Ahhhh screw it - if there are, we'll just find the nearest open bar and get twisted in it. No worries.

I am just so ready man. We've been talking about this trip for almost a year and its so close we can taste it. We've all been through so much shit in the past few months, its going to be a celebration for all of us, not just for Cousin's bachelorette party.

One of us got into Grad school and stopped smoking weed when she was accepted; one of us kicked her man out, only allowing him back in small doses in order to prove himself; one of us came out to her parents; two of us got a new job; most of the str8 girls are fed up with men and their bullshit: ready to open a new chapter in our lives...all of us.

I can't think of a better time for this to be happening. I really need a vacation bitches.

I have been beyond stressed...

Hope all is well, my faithful readers - Gotta say ciao for now - must finish being a domestic diva before I head off to my night class.

Ciao fuckers.

Uno Mas

2005-09-19T21:20:00.000-04:00

Is anyone else addicted to this show? Wentworth Miller is the sexiest man alive, in my humble opinion. And it helps that the show is fuckin' amazing.

Ok. Ciao now.

Cushy

2005-09-19T20:58:00.000-04:00

What retard maintains this database? LOL ... must be ... uh ... interesting.

An Amazing Song...

2005-09-18T22:56:00.000-04:00

Indifference - Pearl Jam (oh, how I do love my Pearl Jam)

I will light the match this mornin’, so I won’t be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon night will be gone
Oh, I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I’m free to roam
Oh, I will make my way, through, one more day in hell...
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make, yeah...

I will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
Oh, I’ll keep takin’ punches until their will grows tired
Oh, I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind hey,
I won’t change direction, and I won’t change my mind
How much difference does it make
Mmm, how much difference does it make...how much difference...

I’ll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
How much difference
How much difference does it make

Ass clowns, buttwads and fucktards

2005-09-18T18:37:00.000-04:00

Let's just say that I hope I don't have to use the above referenced terminology in regards to any of the cute boys I plan on meeting in the near future. I've had my fill. Thank you kindly.

So SNeighbor's Match.com boyfriend (yes, they spend lots of time together and are very happy. No, I will not try Match again. I used the terms above to describe the boy(s) I met on Match, well, months later, but yea that's what they ended up being).

But! I was talking to her man friend the other night and he said his best friend would definitely be a good 'match' (LOL) for me. So I said, well bring me some pix and we'll talk. And Toad (his fave band is Toad the Wet Sprocket, as is SNeighbor's, so that's his nickname) came through Friday night with the pics.

Apparently, his best friend is an architect in NYC, lives in NJ, cool ass dude. So, I said, well he's cute (at least he looks like it in the pics) so let's all get together for drinks when SNeighbor gets back from London. She sent him a pic of me that she had in her phone. Yikes. We shall see what's up. I told her to give Toad my number to pass along and according to Toad, he would be totally into me. Ok.

In other news, I got bought new glasses yesterday.

I like them.

In closing, I'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite movies, Superstar.
"Sometimes, when I get real nervous, I stick my hand under my armpits and SNIFF 'EM LIKE THIS!!"

Ciao fuckers.

Just barely

2005-09-13T23:32:00.000-04:00

Hey. The past few days have been really rough. I haven't had a moment's peace: the classes, work, the phone constantly ringing and nobody particularly interesting on the other end. I am so over it. I don't even want to go out! I just want to be the domestic diva all men dream of and fix up my house. Gah!

I haven't even had time to blog: apparently Similac had some chick over his house on Saturday (gah, I love my girlfriends - they get the dirt without even asking), meanwhile, he invited me over for that same night. I erased his number - and so it goes.

I can't deal with that kid shit.

An old flame called yesterday - still self-absorbed lol. I "dated" him when I was a freshman in high school and he was a sophmore. We recently reconnected but we're both too busy - he's a cop (anti-crime division) and studying to be a sargeant. And we all know my woes. He is cool, but I'm not the type to rekindle - I like to build from scratch.

Anyway, Entourage is on my Direct TV, so I gots ta go!

Ciao fuckers.

p.s. Guess who is getting tatted by Ami James from Miami Ink whilst in South Beach??? Yup, you guessed it!

Similac-ian Games

2005-09-11T17:27:00.000-04:00

That's TB's new name: Similac. It was "The Fetus", then "The Embryo", but I like referring to him as "Similac". I think he plays too many childish games: "call me tomorrow" (read: "call me but I won't answer the phone"), "come hang out with me in BK" (read: "call me but I won't answer the phone" LOL)...so I got to thinking about the games women play.

I've realized that as much as most women say they "hate playing games", we all do it. For instance, I used to have a 'club name'. It was the name I gave out when dudes would introduce themselves to me (it was Jessica if you're wondering)...it was easy to remember when I was drunk (not that I ever answered to it) and no one ever pronounces my damn name right anyway, so why not? I also used to tell dudes I had a boyfriend when I was, in reality, very single (still am!!), and the truth was that I was just not that into them. Playing hard to get, yadda yadda. These are all things that women have done (or still do) - don't lie bitches.

Now what's my point? My point is: Women, well...we complain alot. We want this, we want that, we want honesty, yadda yadda. How about we dish what we want to take? How about letting go of the garbage in, garbage out theory? How about we just be real? Tell that random dude in the bar hitting on you that you are single and are not interested in him? Tell him your real name...what difference does it make? You're just not that into him, so you're not going to give him your number right? What's the harm?

I am just so tired of being a facade...a persona. Tired of hiding behind a pretty face. There is alot more depth to me that what I 'show' in public. Tired of playing the game people.

Ciao fuckers.

Cross-mojonation

2005-09-11T15:17:00.000-04:00

LOL. I have a new crush. Of course, its one of the new analysts at my job. So completely unattainable. ;-( But damn, he is so freakin' hot.

I plan on sleeping VERY well tonight, LOL.

Post more when I get a chance...

Ciao fuckers.

Have I Lost My Mojo?

2005-09-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

So. I am finally home after a hellish day of running errands and overall, just being wicked productive. High 5 on that.

Amidst this flurry of activity, I am beginning to realize that if I weren't so busy all the time, I'd be getting into mucho trouble, as I mentioned previously. I feel as though I am discovering my worth and my reason for being - I am learning, becoming more educated, sharing the knowledge. For now, I surmise that's what I'm here for.

Aside from all of that nifty, mind-altering shit, I think I lost my mojo. I have a feeling that I am too busy to remember that I am still single and lonely (spare me the 'oh, no, not that loneliness crap again' comments - I get it, but I won't delve too deeply into that reality).

Less-than-productive Yaz (read: summer Yaz who was off 3 days a week and had way too much time on her hands and subsequently, flirted with a married dude and in general, just got into too much trouble) would jump at a dude's invitation to hang out. Ms. Busy Pants Yaz...not so much.

TB, the incredibly delectable college man, text'd me when I got home from class around 10:15pm this evening. He said I should go to Brooklyn (where he resides)...I asked him if he was drunk b/c I just got home from class and I'm staying put. He called me and we shot the shit for a bit and I asked why he wanted me to come to BK. He said he was just hanging in, watching the Patriots game (go Patriots!!) with his boys, boozing. Apparently, his friends were going out after the game and he didn't feel like going to the bars - hmm.

An aside. I said to myself, "Self, what in Napoleon's name would I be doing if I went out to Brooklyn at this time of night to see this delicious young man?"...and my answer was simple: Nothing good.

So I say to young TB, "Darlin' I have to get up @ 7am and go to the gym, physical therapy and then to work. I would be useless if I didn't get some sleep tonight, so I'm hanging in." He understood and we talked for a few more minutes, ending with him asking me to give him a buzz on Saturday to let him know if I was hanging in the "cit-ay", as he calls it.

Again, a few months ago (prior to being busy and prior to reading what should be every girl's bible), I would have sacrificed sleep (and sanity the next day) and hopped in the car to Brooklyn. I would have hung out with him, in his house and watched TV. More than likely, I would have hooked up (which, you all know, by my definition, means kissing and no sex).

But, being the incredibly busy and fabulous woman that I am, I decided against the late night jaunt and chose responsibility (and loneliness!!) over hanging with TB (did I mention he is ridiculously hot???!??!).

So the question I pose to my faithful and gorgeous readers is this: Have I lost my mojo? Or am I just being responsible and enlightened?

I direct you all to the last chapter of the bible: putting it all into practice now, takes patience and a little bit of yummy humble pie. Setting my standards...oh what a task. I will not randomly hook up with hot guys (ok, I'm sorry, it was difficult to keep a straight face while typing that)...correction: I will TRY not to randomly hook up with hot guys (and by randomly, I don't mean guys that I've just met - I mean guys that I talk to fairly regularly but haven't actually gone on a date with)...I will not go see guys after the self-imposed 'booty call' hour (any visiting after 10pm, y'all...Zing, you're a night owl, so your 'booty call' hour may be different LOL). I will remain fabulous and not wait for a phone call from a dude, but I will not pursue, either.

I am way, way, way too damn fabulous, smart, funny and beautiful to do that again. No way!
...ok??

Ciao fuckers.

Still going...

2005-09-08T12:42:00.000-04:00

...nothing outlasts the Energizer...

Dang. I have been running around like a madwoman. Started back at the gym on Tuesday and let me tell you, I don't know why I ever stopped. I feel so good that I am getting back into it, injury and all. Been doing short sessions this week, 45 minutes, but its better than nothing. I'll up it to an hour for next week. Baby steps, ya know.

Nothing new has been going on with me, other than the fact that I am slowing wearing myself out and I'm finally beginning to appreciate my youth. If I were older, I doubt my body could take all this activity.

Why in the world did I decide to go back to school full time, work full time and actually try to have a life? Who ok'd that? Dang! Good thing is, though, that I don't have time to go out much during the week anymore, so I'm staying out of trouble. Not drinking as much...ok, just Friday and/or Saturday, instead of 4 or 5 days out of the week. The beer gut would have been the end of me.

So all in all, I guess I'm doing alright. Still breathing. Still moving along at the speed of Zing. Still aching to help in New Orleans, but I honestly don't have the time or the stomach for it. I can't even watch it on TV anymore. I have 2 FDNY buddies down there helping out - I wish them safe travels...and I'm donating what I can.

Until the next free moment, I bid you adieu.

Ciao fuckers.

Go

2005-09-05T13:48:00.000-04:00

GIVE IT A FUCKIN' BREAK

2005-09-05T13:39:00.000-04:00

OMG. I don't want to be here right now here he is doing it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shut the fuck up, already! Why does he have to work EVERY holiday? To torture me? DANG!

Ciao fuckers.

Fuckin' stupid

2005-09-05T08:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm at work right now, yes on Labor Day. I need the comp time.

As per the holiday usual, I've nothing to do so I thought I'd go shopping online.

Upon visiting Old Navy.com, I see the following (click for full pic):

What the fuck makes Gap, Inc. think that employees affected by Hurricane Katrina have internet access? Phone access perhaps? Nope, doubt that either. How about Gap, Inc. employees affected by Hurrican Katrina probably don't have access to much of anything.

I am sometimes amazed by the pure idiocy of big businesses.

Ciao fuckers.

Hilarious

2005-09-04T18:15:00.000-04:00

"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise"

2005-09-04T16:43:00.000-04:00

Every now and then, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, I say to myself "Self, its ok that so and so didn't call you back...so and so will call tomorrow"...Occasionally, I move on without another thought.

And other times, I get a little ticked off. And in my book, a little ticked off is way worse than really pissed off. Really Pissed Off Yaz will get over things just as quickly as they erupted, but A Little Ticked Off Yaz feels the gnawing, biting annoyance for much longer than she should...self-preservation tactics (in order to stay detached), one would say. Moving along.

Shy Guy called me last night when I got home. He promptly apologized for his drunkeness the night before, to which I replied that he didn't say or do anything stupid. He then asks what my plans were for the evening and I told him that my plan was to stay home and relax. In his best 'aw shucks' voice, he asked me if I wanted to hang out. So I said, sure, what do you have in mind?...
Shy Guy: Are you going down there?
Me: Excuse me?
Shy Guy: To the bar.
Me: Pauline's?
Shy Guy: Yea.
Me: I wasn't planning on it, but I'll think about it.
Shy Guy (aw shucks again): Oh alright.
Me: Listen, let me find out what's up and I'll call you back.
Shy Guy: Ok. Bye.

I hang up. I call J9 who doesn't care what we do and I'm like, yea dude wants to see me so let's go to Pauline's. She's down and says she's on her way to my house anyway. So I say cool and we hang up. I call Shy Guy.

Me: Hey.
Shy Guy: Hey you, what's the story?
Me: Yea we're going to Pauline's around 11(ish).
Shy Guy: Ok good, we'll be there a little after that.
Me: Ok, see you then.
Shy Guy: Ok.

I hang up.

Just a little aside here. I met this dude 2 weekends ago. He's been asking me when we're going to hang, blah blah. I'm like dude, I work on the weekends, so we can hang out after I get out one day. I am usually free during the week, but school just started and I have to get used to my new schedule. Whatever. After saying this (2nd paragraph, about half way through), why in the world would you call me up and suggest we meet at a bar? Do my words mean nothing? My idiocy lies in the fact that I actually went to the bar instead of saying, hey dude, you remember what we talked about last night? Well, yea I'm sticking with that, so unless we're hanging out somewhere else, I'm staying home.

Back to it. So I looked really nice to go to the freakin' bar last night and we got there after 11. J9 and I sat and got stared at for awhile before her brothers came in and pretty much played bodyguards. 12am, 1am, 2am came and went and Shy Guy was no where to be seen (not found, b/c I really wasn't looking) so I asked J9 to drive me home. I purposely didn't drive b/c I figured, well I'll just take advantage and get tipsy. Not so much. I was home and in bed by 2:45 am, with nary a phone call from this dude.

My dilemma is this: Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and say to myself, "Self, he was playing cards with his boys when he called you and probably got too drunk and passed out, making it nearly impossible for him to call you, much less go down to the Bronx". I could say that to myself, but why be dilusional? He is just not that into me. Either that or he has a drinking problem.

Doesn't matter. I am not wasting my time or energy. You might be thinking that I am just not tolerant of other people's time management skills or I'm just selfish. No, not it at all. I am just so evolved (yet again) since my journey with Liz and Greg began. Yes, Zing and I make it sound like a cult, but damnit, if it were, I'd be the President (not just a client). Don't bullshit me, don't play games. Call when you say you're going to call and show up when you say you're going to show up, especially when its you calling me and saying you'll call right back or you calling to invite me out (whether to a bar or out to dinner, doesn't matter, just don't be a flake). That's just stupid to me.

I do enjoy stupid people though. I am amused today, rather than a little ticked off.

So, as I say about every other week: another one bites the dust. I just can't be bothered, can't waste my time. And, as usual, "I am Jack's complete lack of surprise."

Ciao fuckers

Man-maintenance

2005-09-03T15:26:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you something: texting or calling multiple dudes in one sitting can be stressful, but I feel that a little 'man-maintenance' is necessary sometimes. Gotta let them know you care (lol). 3 was my record last night. I was tame. And sober when I did it, so ya know, I didn't embarass myself. Considering that I've not hung out with any of these dudes yet, it took alot for me to pick up that phone and dial.

I DID actually see D2 (otherwise known as "Shy Guy") last night, briefly. I invited him over to Pauline's after he got out of the wedding he was at. He was so wasted and didn't call to tell me he wasn't coming. So I bounced and he invited me over to the bar by his house. I was like, ok I will pass by, but I'm not coming inside. So I drove up there and we smoked a stogie together and I called it a night. He is nice, but he was very wasted and I told him that I'm not really with the whole 'hanging out at bars' thing before we've had a real date...hence why I didn't go inside the bar and sat outside in my car. He was cool with that, but we'll see how much of that conversation he remembers. Intelligently, he decided to let me go on my way for fear of embarassing himself.

Anyway, so it was an OK night. Can't complain.

I am supposed to hangout with J9 again tonight. But I doubt I'm doing anything. I want to go home and relax tonight. Her partner Shaq is going with her man to Caroline's tonight at 11:30 to see some comedy show, and while I like Caroline's and everything, her man is going with Ed Lover and his friends. Um. A little on the ghetto side for my taste thanks. So I'm going to pass.

Ciao fuckers.

That Bitch Katrina

2005-08-31T22:24:00.000-04:00

I feel like an idiot on here, ranting on about my education and my issues with this dude or that dude, blah blah.

That whore Katrina caused upwards of $25 BILLION (that number will probably double due to the lack of homeowner insurance) worth of damage along the Gulf Coast.

Those of you that pray, please pray for those that have lost their homes, their children, their...everything. I will send out the good vibes for all.

Ciao.

EDIT (10:36 PM) - And that COCK FUCK BUSH BASTARD flies over the affected areas in his Air Force One to 'survey the damage'. Listen, I have a tip for you BUSH FUCK: Step the fuck off the plane after you 'survey the damage' and talk to the people. Act like you fuckin' care. While the meterologists were talking disaster, prior to Katrina whore actually hitting the South, Bush's DUMB ASS was on vacation. Hi BUSH BITCH: How about the poor babies in the hospital who lost their parents? How about the people flagging down help from their rooftops? How about the handicapped and elderly who had to float in big ass buckets to get to safety? How about the widespread looting? DIDJA SEE THAT FROM YOUR FUCKIN' AIR FORCE ONE?

I didn't think so.

Just trottin' along...

2005-08-30T23:14:00.000-04:00

So day 2 of classes is over. Thank goodness.

Monday's class was cool - Digital Media: Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign. I know 2 out of the 3, so this should be an easy A.

Today's class was FUCKING WEIRD. Sound and Interactive Media. Why the hell did I think that would be fun? Ok. It was definitely interesting, but the basic point is to create sound installations...like sculpture or light installations, but...sound. Like...uh...blowing through a PVC tube and recording it...then synthesizing it on a keyboard to make all types of crazy sounds. Crazy. To be continued.

Wednesday - Studio Composition - recording studio...HOT!

Thursday - Creating Web Documents...ugh, a night class...

Ok - the eternal college student needs to get her rest...

Ciao fuckers!!

Click it!!!

2005-08-28T18:19:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Voodoo, who turned me on to this guy. Brilliant!

Ciao beetches.

Independence Kicks Ass

2005-08-28T17:00:00.000-04:00

So I woke up this morning in Jul's bedroom, sleeping alone on the not-so-comfortable mattress. I looked at the time and it was 6:55 am. I was still a little out of it (read: drunk), but thought it might be a good idea to take my sorry ass home instead of going straight to work.

I was wearing the same clothes I had on last night, so I changed into my PJs (a tee that says "Are We Having Fun Yet?" and gray cut off sweatpants...just in case you were wondering what I wear to bed at night)...grabbed my stuff, checked on Jul, who was laid out on the couch and left.

Oh me and my infinite genius decided to go to the good diner on Central Ave. for breakfast. I am amazed everyday at my independence and ability to actually go out and do things like this on my own.

Why…am I growing up? Could it be that the same girl who couldn’t even pee at a bar alone, is sitting in restaurants (ok, diners) by herself and even going to sporting events (ok, the softball games) alone? GAH! I AM an adult! **insert best Napoleon Dynamite impression here: YES!**

I am thoroughly excited about this. There are certain things I like to do alone: mani/pedi, going to the gym…things of that nature, but I never really liked to eat alone. I went to the movies V-Day 2004 by myself (a little pathetic, no?), so that was a step in the right direction…and obviously the beginning of new adventures…solo.

So I guess you could say I’m getting used to being by myself. GAH!

Ciao fuckers.

Julapalooza...the Aftermath

2005-08-28T11:18:00.000-04:00

Damnnnnnnn. I only lasted 3 hours last night.

This is before (well...after a few drinks):

And this is after:

Just obliterated. NICE!

Ciao fuckers.

Woodwork...

2005-08-27T16:25:00.000-04:00

So. I left out a part of the evening (see previous post). TB has been texting/calling periodically, wanting to know if me and "the girls" are going out. Ok.

Do you remember those little sponge creatures that were around in the 90's?...the ones that you put in water and they grew into like dinosaurs or something? Right. So he must think that I can dunk my friends in some water so that they can grow and hang out with me. This is the running joke with my Cousin.

So no, you're adorable, but I do not hang out with my girls on the regular like that, only J9. He was going to Off the Wagon last night, which is near Down the Hatch - college bars. If I am going to hang out in Manhattan, I'm hanging at a lounge or nice bar, not Off the Wagon. Let's keep in mind that he is 22 and goes to Pace U.

I'm not hating on him, but I also don't have my friends at my disposal to go hang out with him. I am also not going to go down there by myself to hang with him and all his buddies. Not my thing man.

So Cousin drunk dials me last night around 1am and she went on a double date with her Fiance, our friend Madi and Fiance's buddy B, TB's brother. So I tell Cousin about TB's call and we joke about the sponge friends thing. Then B is like, oh he likes you. And I'm like well, why does he only call me to find out what me and "the girls" are doing? How bout some one on one face time? So B says that TB is broke (hello? college student!) and he can't afford me. I was like, I don't like people with money for one. For two, as long as I'm spending time with someone, I don't really care what we do...let's go for a walk in the park or something. So B was like, I'm going to call him right now and tell him that (B got his bro's voicemail)...then B was like, well he doesn't have money but you guys can, you know. Um. B was wasted, they all were. As was I. So I texted TB and repeated what his bro said and added that I didn't want ... you know... but a date would be nice.

So TB texts me this morning and apologized that he was in rare form last night (apparently, he thought he may have said something stupid to me, but that was not the case)...and said don't listen to B. I told him I didn't, he was wasted.

Anyway, the point is that boys are coming out of the woodwork again. This happens about as often as the blue moon rises. So I am going to enjoy the attention while it lasts and I won't think about the inevitable lack of attention when this episode ends.

And Shy Guy that I met last night called me. He is very sweet... ;-)...and the Love of my Cyber Life was right...look for the guy that looks away...yahoo man.

Its Julapalooza tonight. Bought some booze and munchies...oh its going to be a sloppy, drunken sleepover at Jul's house. HOT!

Ciao fuckers.

It must be the Ace Bandage

2005-08-27T10:54:00.000-04:00

So this injury thing might be working out for me in the man department. I suppose its just an interesting and different conversation starter.

Turns out I have something like tendontitis (Doc's words) and need physical therapy twice a week. Gah! One more thing to add to my already packed schedule. Its 13 blocks away from my job (on 44th Street), so I booked my sessions on Mondays and Fridays, when I'm at work. Nice.

Anyway, so, injury aside, I took my ass out again last night, limping and all. Why stay home and be depressed? No thanks, man. Met Sara (oh, SNeighbor, to you!) and her co-workers at Rory's around 9. Had some yummy clams casino and had to be on my way. I was quite bored b/c I was only drinking water.

Went to J9's house around 10 and we went over to Pauline's around 11. Snore. Boring at first, but it always picks up later on and last night it did. I saw a very cute guy across the bar and I asked J9 if she knew him and if he was indeed cute. No and yes. Nice. So he wasn't a cop. Ok. Even better.

So I sent him a drink. ;-) Anyway, long story short, he's painfully shy and it took one of the girls I was with and one of the chicks he knew there to get us to talk. Pretty funny. Anyway, so he's very sweet - 34, in construction (did he say cement? don't remember), lives in Yonkers, about 7 minutes from me (yahoo), 3/4 Italian & 1/4 German, stocky guy, dresses well, likes to cook (woooohooooooo)...anyway, he was quite enamored (*patting back, thanks*)...I drove him home (well, to his car) and he told me to call him when I got home. As I was driving away, he called me and told me that he loves my personality and was so glad he met me. Aww. I told him the same and hung up. Called when I got home...he is supposed to call me today. Nice.

Anyway, had fun yesterday. Today...work (bah!) and JULAPALOOZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ciao fuckers.

A B C DWI...

2005-08-25T23:57:00.000-04:00

So I just got pulled over, coming home from White Plains. As the officer pointed out, ever so eloquently, "You had one beer? That bullshit don't fly with me"... nice.

Ok so I had 4 Seven and Seven's. But I was fine to drive. The cop gave me a breathalizer test and everything. He actually asked me to recite the alphabet. My blood alcohol level was 0.7, and he said he should arrest me for DWI. I got a speech and I don't know if it was the PBA card that he asked for (and luckily, J9 is my best friend and I actually had one) or the sorry looking Ace bandage on my right foot, but I escaped with a warning. I swear I didn't realize I was doing 61 mph in a 30. Ooops. Shoot me.

I guess no more driving drunk huh?

Nope.

Ciao fuckers.

Songs of the Day

2005-08-24T15:23:00.000-04:00

Nice to Know You - Incubus (for every single rat bastard I involved myself with)

Better then watching Geller bending silver spoons
Better then witnessing new born nebulae’s in bloom
She who sees from ‘up high’ smiles and surely sings
Perspective pries your once weighty eyes and it
gives you wings

I haven’t felt the way I feel today
In so long its hard for me to specify
I’m beginning to notice how much this feels
Like a waking limb… pins and needles
Nice to know you
Goodbye

Deeper than the deepest Cousteau would ever go
And higher then the heights of what we often
think we know
Blesses she who clearly sees the wood for the trees
To obtain a ‘birds eye’ is to turn a
Blizzard into a breeze

I haven’t felt the way I feel today
In so long its hard for me to specify
I’m beginning to notice how much this feels
Like a waking limb… pins and needles
Nice to know you…
Goodbye

So could it be that it has been there
All along?

Extraordinary Girl - Green Day (amazing song that I dedicate to me!)

She's an Extraordinary girl
In an ordinary world
And she cant seem to get away

He lacks the courage in his mind
Like a child left behind
Like a pet left in the rain

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She sees the mirror of herself
And image she wants to sell
To anyone willing to buy

He steals the image in her kiss
From her hearts apocalypse
From the one called whatsername

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
She gets so sick of crying

She's all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
Some days he's not worth trying
Now that they're both up on it
She gets so sick of crying

She's an Extraordinary girl

Ciao fuckers.

Hump day

2005-08-24T11:41:00.000-04:00

Don't I wish. LOL.

Its Wednesday again folks. Where has the summer gone? I feel as though the days are racing by me and I'm just standing still, watching them go!! Ahhhh...

I'm in so much pain...sore, aching, creaky. LOL. J9 and I went running yesterday...yup, running. That is something completely foreign to me, a smoker. So I didn't smoke at all yesterday during the hours leading up to the run. We walked / jogged / ran around one of the tracks in Van Courtland Park in the Bronx...its about 1.5 miles in length...we did that 3 times and then walked about another mile up and down Broadway, near Riverdale. Nice. So today, I am in pain. It beats the gym though - all that fresh air. And the park is so peaceful. Loved it. We had salads afterwards b/c I am putting us on a diet. I look anorexic some days and I feel fat on the others, but I need to just eat right and exercise.

Today we run again.

And school starts next Monday, the 29th. I am not sure I'm ready for it. It scares me. Every semester is like taking a bullet - sad and painful. But once I get into the swing of things, I'll enjoy it. All tech classes this time around, so it should be interesting. No fuckin' literature nada. I read enough heavy shit on my off days, I don't need to be reading and writing a million papers this semester. Let me revel in my computer geekiness. I'm cool with that. Studio class too!! I am going to be learning the ins and outs of the recording studio - hot. I can't wait for that one. Its a 6 hour class. Yikes!!

Ok, maybe I am a little excited about the fall. Maybe. I will be one busy bee again, but at least I'm one step closer to my damn degree...

Ciao fuckers.

Recreational Thug Use

2005-08-23T12:01:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking...if I know at this point, I can hook up without having sex, why am I so picky? I could revert back to the old Bronx days and get with some ghetto fabulous, baggy pants wearing, beer belly havin', braided up fool much more quickly than I could get the much more preferable preppy dude (or punk rocker...). At least with 'Thug Life' I know the score from the gate: he's worthless and he'll treat me like crap, but hey, I already know that, so no feelings involved, right? Right.

I'm only kidding. I would rather be alone than deal with drama: married men, men with girlfriends, kids...whateva...or as Greg and Liz say, otherwise unavailable men. I am done. Thanks. Ghetto fab and his baggy pants can swagger to the hood rats standing on the corner. LOL.

Today is a new day my friends! So happy. I am takin' my life by the proverbial BALLS and throwing them to the wall. Damn right.

Ciao fuckers.

Wedding pics...

2005-08-22T20:27:00.000-04:00

Yes, we were tossed. Yes, I'm ok with that. Yes, we had fun. Yes, I have a boobie fixation when I drink. No, I didn't get laid. LOL.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=u93wfnx.b0dq138d&Uy=v1muvc&Ux=0

Ciao fuckers.

The Dirty Details

2005-08-21T13:05:00.000-04:00

What's a wedding without booze? BORING!! So you KNOW we got tossed last night!

I arrived in West Bubblefuck, Long Island around 1pm. I met up with CS and MS, the brothers of one of the bridemaids (5 of us were sharing a room). We lounged in our room at the Marriot for awhile and then got dressed for the ceremony.

Now, I knew the 3 of us were going to be trouble b/c they aren't into religion either, so us heathens sat together and scoffed at all the praying and shit (albeit under our breath, but scoffed nonetheless). The wedding was beautiful!! I cried my flippin' eyes out and as soon as Sharon saw me crying, she busted up crying too! We took pics outside and then drove back to the hotel - there was a lapse between the church and the reception, so we went to the hotel bar and had a few rounds.

I went upstairs to get ready for the reception - and my goodness, I looked fuckin' amazing. Pardon the conceit, would you? I met the guys in front of the shuttle bus and MS just about tripped over his jaw. I can still make the young boys swoon (he's 21). Nice.

We got to the reception at 7pm and stuffed our faces with the finger food. Turns out I wasn't sitting with anyone I knew, but there were single men at the table I met. No one interesting though. SNeighbor came and rescued me b/c there was an extra seat at her table (CS & MS were sitting there as well). Sweet!!

Oh man, how many 7 n' 7's can one girl possibly have without ralphing all over the place? I dunno. I didn't ralph, thanks. It helped that we ate ALOT. The food was phenomenal and they kept it coming. We laughed, danced and drank...it was a good time.

MS and I flirted the entire time...

The festivities ended around 12:30am. We hopped back on the shuttle bus, but the freakin' lushes that were on our bus stopped at a 7-11 to get beer...as if we weren't drunk enough...ok, ok, I drank a beer on the bus. MS and I hooked up. LOL.

Let me define hook up: mmkay, we didn't have any kind of sex...none...but we rounded a few bases. Ha ha ha.

When we got back to the hotel, we all changed into our PJs and went to the hotel bar...there were a bunch of people there from the wedding, but MS and I only stayed for one beer and went back to the room, where his sister was passed out on one of the beds.

We hopped onto the air mattress...and well, we didn't go to sleep for awhile. Man, as sexually frustrated as I am, I just couldn't do it. Nope, no sex. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

We woke up this morning and just vegged out. No one wanted to leave! But we checked out at 11am and I came straight to work. Here I am. Yup. Tired and dying to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Pics to come.

Ciao fuckers.

Ok, ok, last entry of the night...I think

2005-08-19T20:39:00.000-04:00

Fray - Staind

I know that it never goes away
All i feel, everything I’m not today
So i try and i try to make everything right
I don't feel like I’m doing it, it affects me

You wouldn't listen even if i told you
Who the fuck am i to say?
You're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day
Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While the TV defecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

I know that everything can change
What i need is to open up again
So never again will i look back in vain
Cuz today's not the past,
I don't need to relive it

Are you satisfied?
I've given all i can and are you pacified?
Or do you want more from me?

I've learned that this life's not just a game
Just a line between the pleasures and the pain

*sigh*
Ciao fuckers.

For all you computer nerds

2005-08-19T20:13:00.000-04:00

I wish I could Control Z certain parts of my life. Dang!

Yes, Zing, sharing is caring

2005-08-19T19:53:00.000-04:00

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other Women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Ciao fuckers.

I stole this from Postsecret, ok? But I like it

2005-08-19T19:51:00.000-04:00

Give it a break with...

2005-08-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

...the incessant coughing!

It must be me. I am sitting here at work, keeping busy, watching the minutes tick by and all I freakin' hear, every 30 seconds, is the guy I used to deal with from here - coughing. Maybe I am just looking for more reasons for him to annoy me. But I don't have to look b/c there they are.

Zing. You can sympathize, you know, the whole Seinfeld thing - oh he was a great guy, but I had to dump him because of his annoying coughing. Geez man. What a tool.

Sex and the City moment:
In this city of 8 million people, will a successful, smart and single, sassy lady like myself, ever find someone who doesn't FUCKIN' PISS ME OFF??????????

LOL.

Just had to share.

Ciao fuckers.

When life hands me lemons...

2005-08-19T14:14:00.000-04:00

...I fuckin’ stomp on ‘em and make a goddamn mess.

Ok. Just wanted to say that.

So I went to the softball game last night and of course, McMarried was there in all his tight-pants glory. *sigh*

Long story short, they lost the game and we went to Vintage afterward. My ass looked phenomenal in my new jeans. Where the hell did that come from? Anyway. Me and my tangents.

Ok, so we flirted – as usual, but I wasn’t paying much mind to him and I really wanted to see SNeighbor over at Lazy Boy, so we invited everyone to come with us (C and I), but most people wanted to go home at that point. It was about 9:30 pm. McMarried wasn’t sure what he was going to do and I kind of told him that he was going to meet us, lol. But he didn’t.

He called C when we got over to Black Bear from Lazy Boy. Said he wasn’t coming. I was feeling a little wasted (ok, I was bombed – are you forgetting I have an eating disorder?? My anorexic ass has no business drinking)…I said I was going out for a smoke and called him. Needless to mention that I didn’t go back. I was trying to get him to meet me, stupid, I know. But, man I’ll give it to him – he is a good guy. Faithful…well, except for when we kissed a couple of weeks back.

I need to leave my cell phone at home when I am out drinking. Sober, rational Yaz would not have called him. I deleted his number from my phone.

Now as for this wedding business tomorrow – I am not sad that I am going by myself. I am actually excited about it. I doubt there will be too many single guys there, but ya never know. I am going to know most of the people there in some capacity anyway, but not enough to like really hang with. Going with the Springer brothers to the reception, since SNeighbor, K. Springer and I are sharing a room with them. Should be a gooooood drunken time and I can’t wait!

Details to come on Sunday…

Ciao fuckers.

Happy Birthday to My MOM!

2005-08-17T21:57:00.000-04:00

Yahoo! Spent a wonderful day with my Mom, who turned 57 today - but still looks like she's 40. My Mom is in better shape than I am!! I went upstate (Peekskill) to my parent's house and we went swimming and tanning and spent a couple of hours looking at old pictures. Then I drove my Mom down to Yonkers to have dinner with my Dad @ Nagoya, this fabulous Japanese restaurant near my house...we ate like royalty (a.k.a. like a bunch of pigs). Yummy sushi!! ;-)

Now I am contemplating my sad, dateless Saturday at Sharon's wedding. Yipes. Long drive to Coram, NY - out on Long Island. I will be intimidated for about 20 minutes and then I'll get over it. I'll know some of the people there. I am not sad that I am dateless, per se, but more so that I won't really be able to hang with someone I know very well - they're all in the wedding party! But Sharon told me not to fear. We'll all be together and we'll all be trashed lol. I miss my ex-roomie!!

Nothing particularly deep to say today . . . I don't want to WHINE!! LOLOLOLOL. ;-)

Thanks for all the support and comments guys...I appreciate it!

Ciao fuckers.

Lazy Monday

2005-08-15T20:29:00.000-04:00

I don't really have anything interesting to say today, other than, not a damn thing has changed! Still poor, still lonely, but I was told today that my raise was wrong - the number they gave me was too little: I am actually making $65K. Lucky me. Still living check to check b/c I have a problem. A spending problem. A drinking problem. LOL. I know, I know, cry me a river, right? I'm over it.

Happy to say though, that I am writing this from home - no late night at work today. Going to enjoy the next 3 days off. Gonna see McMarried - no angry emails ok? I'm going to see the guys play softball this week, on Tuesday and Thursday - he plays on the team. But I'm broke, so I won't be drinking, therefore, no flirting. Ok.

Ciao fuckers.

Another insult...

2005-08-14T19:42:00.000-04:00

How 'bout "Cowardly the Anonymous Commentator"?

Hot.

Ciao fuckers.

Soooo over it

2005-08-14T14:25:00.000-04:00

Mmmkay. First let me say that I am exhausted beyond belief. I've gotten an average of 3-4 hours of sleep every night (morning??) since Thursday. Too much boozin'. Gah. Thank Napoleon that I am still young and my body can take the beating. Moving on.

So last night J9 and I went to Pauline's, yet again. We're such bar hags. D was bartending and when we got there it was super empty, even though it was after midnight. Her brother B was there so we shot the shit with him and contemplated going somewhere else...but we didn't. It ended up getting packkkkked. We danced our asses off. I never dance in bars. Ok, really - moving on.

Long story short, stick a fork in me, I'm done with D. Nothing incredibly profound happened to make me say that (yet again!), but I just realized that I am too good for this shit. I should not have to call a dude or text him to get some attention. I am a great person (*patting back, thanks*) and I deserve someone to shower me with attention, affection and intimacy.

In my drunken state (dude man, I'm a lush), I text'd him and said "I might want to take you home tonight"...to which he responded "Not tonight". Ya know what? Most people wouldn't want to include rejection in their freakin' blog, but damnit, I don't care. He is just NOT THAT INTO ME (fuck, I love this book).

I think I'm swearing off men for awhile. Ok, sorry, I couldn't even write that without chuckling. That's not true. I can't swear off them, but damnit, I am so done. I don't know what else to do. I am so lonely. I surround myself with people and yup, stilllllllll lonely. How do you freakin' meet a man in this city? I am tired of the bar scene (the guys to be found at bars, not the actual drinking, gosh!), tired of my friends trying to set me up with their boyfriend's/fiance's friends (b/c we all know what happened with J, don't we? Look in the archives if you don't)...are there any guys out there that are JUST NORMAL??? (think Road Trip when reading that...ya know, the scene where what's her face is on the bus and some guy is trying to lick her toes?...yea) Somehow, I think not. I've tried it all: internet dating, getting set up, meeting guys in bars/lounges, yadda yadda. I'm tired of flaky ass dudes who can't be honest with themselves or with me, who don't know how to even comprehend the idea of chivalry, of compassion, of affection. I've grown so weary of the men who haven't got a fuckin' clue.

And the guys that ARE sweet and who DO want to be good to me are either unattractive to me (read: the feeling isn't mutual) or unattainable (uh. read: married). J9's bro B told me last night that if he wasn't married, I'd be his woman and he would make me happy. Yea. I love you like a bro, but no thanks man. Not getting caught up in that. Plus, I used to date the other brother, M. Now M? I love him. He is great. But I love him like a brother as well, even though we did the do in the past lol. He looks out for me and vice versa. And guess what? He has a girlfriend. Ok. She's intimidated by me, by the way. Off on tangents again, sorry.

I just want a hand to hold man. I think I've said that already. I want someone that I can connect with mentally b/c yea, I like to drink and party, but I'm a deep and contemplative person. I drink and party b/c I don't have a man to go home to. I don't have a guy to talk to on the phone or have dinner with. I'm not going to fuckin' stay home all the time, on the couch, watching movies about other people who found love. Gah, just kill me now! I mean dang!

I get these super nice comments (on this here blog and in person, as well) telling me that I am beautiful, I'm great, I'd make some guy so happy one day. Well, fuck, where the hell is he then?

I'm told to wait. I'm told to stop looking. But as I already said before, men are dumb. Ok, not all, but all the ones I've ever met lol. I'm told that people are intimidated by me, but fuck man, if you're interested, let me know that. I'm not a fuckin' mind reader. You don't have to do anything elaborate, like send flowers or buy me things. I don't care about that material shit. Write me a card, send me a nice email, fuck man, give me a call!

Women are really not that complicated, guys. Well, at least I'm not. I enjoy the simple things in life. The smell of the rain, the random dandelions growing in the park, hearing my favorite song on the radio. All I want is someone to enjoy those things with. Gah, is that so much to ask?

Ciao.

More insults...

2005-08-14T14:15:00.000-04:00

Voodoo provided the following:

"Douche Bag"

"Dill hole"

"Cock wad"

"Fucktard"

"Pussy fart"

"Panty stain"

FU provided:

"Baggy Cunt"

Altaf provided:

"Fucknut"

Mad Munkey provided:

"Fuckstick"

Nice.

And to you, I say...YOU'RE SO GROSS. Who says "I want to bang your throat"?...good line though. He must get all the chicks with that one ;-) Kudos to you, my friend!

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Ciao fuckers.

And to you I say...

2005-08-13T21:41:00.000-04:00

...FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol. This is great.

Insults of the week:

"Ass clown"

"Crotch rot"

"Gism jumper"

"Boob sweat"

"Cock fuck"

"Pussy clamp"

I hope to amass a more comprehensive list, so your comments are appreciated.

Ciao fuckers.

"Listen All Of Y'all It's A Sabotage"

2005-08-13T19:47:00.000-04:00

Ok so my boss' request was simple: Take these envelopes, open 'em up, and update the contigency plan with the contact info from the forms. No problem.

As I am opening up the envelopes, I come across a single sheet of paper, stapled shut. I saw my name and I opened it up and read it.

The author of this little note didn't sign his/her name on it, so I have no clue who wrote it, but I surmised that someone left this anonymously for my boss.

Scheming little fucker.

The note described my "attitude" and the manner in which I address people when I get into work. Apparently, I'm unprofessional and 'wear [my] personal life on [my] sleeve'. Ohhh really? I give the finger to people sometimes and the author heard people saying 'don't talk to Yaz, she's in a bad mood'. Double oh really? Mr. or Ms. Anonymous Coward went on to say that s/he doesn't know how I got promoted to a supervisor with such a nasty attitude and that s/he is sure this isn't the first complaint about me. In my former position, I had the distinct pleasure of bankers having attitudes in general, so the author is sure that I had an attitude with them as well. This person also made a point to mention that, at times, I can be very sweet and pleasant (gee, thanks!), but s/he doesn't feel the need to be subjected to my attitude and shouldn't be intimidated by me, but is.

I wasn't going to blog this because I didn't want to stress it. I don't care what people think of me here b/c these motherfuckers don't cut my damn check.

My own boss has commented on my shitty demeanor on Fridays when I come in (the author also cited a specific date when s/he witnessed or was personally subjected to my attitude - and pardon the fuck out of me if YOUR goddamn Friday is my MONDAY). I come in the same way, every Friday - depressed that my glorious 3 days off during the week is over. So while all these retards go to the beach and see their families and what not, I am stuck in this building, seething. Sorry, bitches, I'm not going to come in, whistling fuckin' show tunes.

The note was laughable, considering that my boss is: 1. a female, 2. a potty mouth, 3. notorious for giving the finger...I could go on...the author must not know that about my boss.

The date cited was 6/10/05, a Friday. Over 2 months later, my boss hasn't mentioned this note to me, but kept it in an envelope for some reason. She gave me the most amazing performance appraisal, raise and official promotion...allllll at the end of June. Thanks. I am positive that she didn't realize that envelope was with the others for me to open. So, I ripped that bitch up and threw it in the bin to be shredded.

Was I wrong? Sure I was. But if she forgot about it, then I'm not going to hand it back to her with the other envelopes to remember it, thank you kindly.

I guess I always knew that people hated on me. Sorry, but I've put my time into this company, I've paid my dues. I've been here for almost 5 years. I am not going to let the haters pull me down. And why wouldn't they hate? Half of them are washed up actors and has beens who are like 15 years older than me. And I'm their FUCKIN' SUPERIOR. I am 25. And a female. Wouldn't that make you mad to know that this little young broad is making more money than you and telling you what to do?

So, I've been hanging on to these thoughts since earlier today when I got in, and the author's goal to sabotage me has been thwarted.

HA!

Ciao fuckers.

Living vicariously

2005-08-13T17:16:00.000-04:00

So Twin waltzes (yes, looked like she was dancing on air) into work today and has this huge, shit eating grin on her face.

A little background
We are the kind of friends that don't have to talk everyday in order to be close. We met in 2003, when she was temping here at work. We kind of clicked from the start because at the time, we were the youngest women at the job and the only 2 Puerto Ricans...plus, people always thought we were related (what, all Ricans look alike??!??! lol. j/k)...we talked about getting together to hang out and we both revealed that we hung out at gay bars, and then she let me know that she was gay. At the time, I was pretty much hating men (including the jerk I was with!) and we, ya know, started getting close.

Twin is incredibly sweet and caring and a good person to have in your corner. I can also be that way at times, but it takes alot for me to bare myself to people emotionally. I have trust issues and I've been burned too many times to let down that wall. Anyway, so Twin and I made plans to hang out and I picked her up one day after work and we went to her house in Jersey (she now lives in Brooklyn). We pretty much talked about what was going down that night, literally going down lol, and well, Twin was the first girl I had the whole experience with (prior to that, there were kisses and other stuff, but never the entire sexual...well, ya know).

I was very unsure of myself after that and realized that I wasn't gay. I was uncomfortable around her after that and whatever friendship we were supposed to have crashed and burned after that night. It wasn't until the Blackout in Aug. 2003 that we got tight again. I guess mass hysteria and walking down 48 flights of stairs into the sweltering heat and overwhelming fear of walking miles in seedy neighborhoods to get home from Manhattan can do that to people.

We've been tight ever since.

She slept over my house in the winter this year and the next night, I stayed at hers. We can do all this b/c we're friends and we talked about how I felt about being with women. We know that nothing will ever go further than friendship and that makes me happy.

So back to the present
Twin met a beautiful girl 2 weeks ago and has been entranced ever since. She talks about her all the time and this girl sounds amazing. They talk about poetry and pretty things and while I am so happy for her, it sucks that I live vicariously through my friends. ;-(

Twin had her reservations b/c the girl's family is loaded. She lives right down the block from our office building, on 56th & 6th. Wow. I told Twin not to let the fact that this girl was rich affect her. She shouldn't feel intimidated by that. I hope she doesn't. As long as the girl is down to earth and not uppity, I'm cool. Nothing but the best for my girl.

Their experience last night was tantric. Twin has a will power that I could never have. No sex, but intense kissing and real intimacy. Sometimes the intimacy is all that matters.

My little glimpse into her budding relationship makes me feel like just standing still. Not waiting, but not moving too quickly because how can anything come to pass if you're passing by it at the speed of light?

Although its been a very short period of time for them (and I told her that lesbians work fast lol), hers is the relationship that I hope for: complete intimacy and affection, realizing my dream of becoming one with someone mentally and emotionally, but never losing myself in that person.

Ahh...where is he...?

How fuckin' appropriate

2005-08-13T16:24:00.000-04:00

Fell on Black Days - Soundgarden

Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off became my life
Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled I've put you down
I'm a search light soul they say
But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking when I get it right
Cause I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours has made it mine
So don't you lock up something that you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No, not tying
No, not tying

I sure don't mind a change
But I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

I might be bipolar

2005-08-13T13:44:00.000-04:00

Not to sneeze at mental defections, but shit man...I read my post from last night (and thanks to Voodoo for the words of wisdom) and today...I don't really feel that way. Well, I guess I always will, but the almost prophetic way in which I expressed my emotions was uncalled for, in my humble opinion.

I think the fact that I am usually depressed about my lack of a love life was compounded by the other very real and serious fact that I am currently poor lol. Omnibus rebus consideratis (uh...all things considered, for the folks that weren't forced to take Latin in high school), I went out last night and got smashed. Ok. Well not smashed exactly, as in, I didn't drink all that much. I had 5 or 6 beers, but due to my unfortunate financial situation, I hadn't eaten all day. J9 was my bitch last night and bought all my beers lol. She also bought a basket of fried shrimp for me while we were at Pauline's. I love my J9. She looks out for me.

Anyway, so we went to Pauline's for a bit, then met up with her brother's girlfriend and her friends at Ibiza. As far as Bronx "clubby lounges" go, this one was pretty cool. Very nice interior, decent music - very eclectic, but then, given the fact that we were in the Bronx, they started in with the Spanish music (even though its a predominantly Irish neighborhood) and, ya know, a bitch had to go. So we went back to Pauline's and had a couple more beers. Around 3am I was tired and my feet hurt (who said you could dance in stilettos??...GAH!)...so I went home and now I'm at work.

D is working at Pauline's tonight, ok? Yes, I am going. Fuck it. Like I said, I will find me a little seat in the corner and drink my beers. J9 and I usually get pretty profound after a few, so we'll be engaged in convo all night. Mmkay. Gotta go pretend to do work.

Ciao fuckers.

My Life's Soundtrack...in stores now...

2005-08-12T19:00:00.000-04:00

I just want to be in love man. Sometimes I think about the loneliness and I want to cry. I know I have to be strong and I know that it'll happen for me one day, but I've been single for a year and...nada. No hits, just misses...always. I know I complain at least once or twice a week on here that I'm lonely. But it hits me so hard sometimes. I look at my friends, whose phones constantly ring with guys who are 'into' them on the other end. And me, whose phone always has a full battery, even if I haven't charged it in days, because I'm never talking on it. Where the hell is he? Where is that near-perfect man that I've been waiting my entire life to meet? Why is it that I can only handle sexual relationships and then as soon as feelings are introduced, I freak out? I just want a hand to hold man....

Rock on.

Everlong - Foo Fighters
Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Secret - Maroon 5
Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road

Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don’t ever let go oh no

I know I don’t know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
But can they keep it
Oh no they can’t

Driving fast now
Don’t think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are

Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe of beads of sweat
Slowly you say "i’m not there yet!"

Damnit it all to hell

2005-08-12T18:25:00.000-04:00

I am so broke. The $400 I spent this week replacing my exhaust system was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Dude, I had to ask my Dad for $100 to hold me over until I get paid on Friday. This shit sucks my will to live. I've NEVER asked to borrow money from anyone! I've always made enough. I make more money than most people I know, so how do I end up broke all the time? Fuckin' ATM nazis and their fuckin' $1 and goddamn 50 cents to take out MY fuckin' money. Fuckers. What the fuck?

So tonight I will drink. My BFF J9 will be my bitch tonight. I tried to tell her I wasn't gonna hang out b/c I'm broke, but she will have none of that. She is paying for my drinks and told me to shut the hell up, that's what friends are for. I would kick her, but I love her. She is going to try to put money in my wallet when I'm not looking, but I will shove it in her eyelids if she tries that.

I'll tell you though, its nice to know that I have friends and family who are there for me no matter what.

In other news, I've erased D from my phone. I went on another drunk texting spree last night and I just don't need the temptation. He is just not that into me. But its hard to remember that when I'm drunk. He's not bartending tonight, thank goodness, but he is tomorrow, so I might need to find a dark part of the bar and sit there in seclusion. Why even go to that bar tomorrow, you ask? Because I am a glutton for punishment and no matter how much he's not into me, it'll be nice to know that he can't keep his eyes off me...even when he's working. Because that's what he does.

Now, a question about drunk dialing / texting. I have McMarried's number in my phone. Do you think that even in my drunken state, I have the common sense to not double d or text him because I know he is married? I don't double d or text R in Florida either. Why can't I use similar logic when I pick up the phone to double d a single dude? I can't. So I erase their numbers. And then, one day, they'll call me and I'll sound all surprised like I do when J calls me, because I damn sure erased his number too.

Woe is me. I know that this is just a short period of being broke, but it sure weighs on me. Cards are maxed out, no cash - but...I guess I still have my health right? Physically, anyway lol.

Ciao.

Survey

2005-08-12T18:19:00.000-04:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Yaz
Birthday:	4/17/80
Birthplace:	New York, NY
Current Location:	Yonkers, NY
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brown/Red/Blonde
Height:	5'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Lefty (I'm in my right mind!)
Your Heritage:	Puerto Rican
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Beige pointy flats from 9 West
Your Weakness:	Kindness
Your Fears:	Fear itself
Your Perfect Pizza:	None at all...carbs, ya know?
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	BETTER MONEY MANAGEMENT!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Fuck...I need coffee!
Your Best Physical Feature:	My eyes
Your Bedtime:	I'm an insomniac
Your Most Missed Memory:	My memory lol. I have a bad one
Pepsi or Coke:	Neither, don't drink soda
McDonalds or Burger King:	Neither, don't eat fast food
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Neither, damnit, I drink WATER!
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	Yup
Do you Swear:	FUCK YEA!
Do you Sing:	In the shower
Do you Shower Daily:	More than once
Have you Been in Love:	Nope
Do you want to go to College:	Still going...
Do you want to get Married:	Eventually
Do you belive in yourself:	No one else will
Do you get Motion Sickness:	When other people are driving
Do you think you are Attractive:	Damn right
Are you a Health Freak:	Sometimes
Do you get along with your Parents:	Absolutely
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Love 'em
Do you play an Instrument:	I wish I could play the drums
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Shit...are you kidding me? I'm a lush ;(
In the past month have you Smoked:	Only Newports
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nah
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	NEGATIVE
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yup...why do you think I'm broke?!
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	YUP!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Nope, not this month, lol
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Obviously not stealin' hearts!
Ever been Drunk:	Frequently
Ever been called a Tease:	Frequently
Ever been Beaten up:	Um. My ex is my ex for a reason
Ever Shoplifted:	When I was younger
How do you want to Die:	By my own hand
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I'm grown...but still no clue
What country would you most like to Visit:	Italy
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Any
Favourite Hair Color:	Any
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	6' or better
Weight:	Athletic...I don't know lbs!!
Best Clothing Style:	ROCKER!
Number of Drugs I have taken:	2
Number of CDs I own:	Hundreds
Number of Piercings:	6
Number of Tattoos:	7
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	2

Ok. This book? Amazing

2005-08-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

If you don't already have it, run, fly, teleport over to your nearest bookstore and purchase "He's Just Not That Into You", the #1 NYT Best-Seller, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I knew about it before Zing recommended it, but her praise is what won me over.

This book truly is amazing and its a total testament to what we strong, powerful women should already know: Bitch, you are too fabulous to be waiting for some dumb man to call and stop making excuses for his dumb ass.

Even reading my previous posts, I am one of these stupid women. I make excuses for every man I am dealing with, the key word here being 'dealing'...um. I opened up my eyes. Yes, I cannot change overnight, I realize this. But the more I read, the stronger I get.

And I realized that nope...he's just not that into me. No more calls. He can call me if he wants but I'm not investing my time in D. I'm certainly not waiting around for anything. I've got a life to live and men to attract!

Yahoo...and no, Zing, I have not reached the point in the book where they discuss married men and other unattainable dweebs, ok? Lol. I'll get there in a day or two!!

Ciao fuckers.

More eye candy...

2005-08-11T12:32:00.000-04:00

The following pics are from the 19th Precinct Smoker I attended in June with J9 and her partner Sha...

Yowza

2005-08-09T23:53:00.000-04:00

Went to the softball game today. McMarried hit a homer. Hot.

Went out for drinks afterwards. Lots of flirting. Then he left. For some reason, C called McMarried from my phone. McMarried called back and we were on the phone for over an hour. Hmm...will not divulge the details of the conversation, but lets just say it was interesting. Gotta call D back now...

Ciao fuckers.

Blame it on Amstel

2005-08-08T17:55:00.000-04:00

So. Had a verrrrryyyy groovy time last night hangin' with D. Drank from 8:30 pm - 4:30 am. Crrraaazzzyy. J9 left around 11:30 pm because she had to be to work at 4 am. Unfortunately, it was more packed than last time, so he had to keep the place open longer than I'd hoped. I was so wasted and sooo tired, but I was having fun, so I tried not to think about the other stuff.

Crashed at his place. I could have taken a cab to my car from the bar, but I just didn't. Blame it on Amstel. Fuck it.

There was no sex (of any kind) you filthy minded readers. But there were lots of kisses. And I plan to dispel the myth of the Irish curse. You know that the curse is, don't you?

Only got about 3.5 hours of sleep...gee what's new. He TM'd me today and said he had a good time...I'll bet he did, lol. I am being "breezy" (any Friends fans??)...no need to stress this - takin' it day by day.

p.s. Zing's July 30th Word of the Day was: Concupiscence. Hot. Very appropriate to include in this post. Look it up, fuckers.

Ciao fuckers.

Yikes

2005-08-07T17:10:00.000-04:00

Going to see D (with J9 this time, hopefully) at the bar he's working at tonight. I kind of invited myself lol. He said its topless night, so I should definitely come through. He is such a sarcastic fucker.

I actually look cute today. Word.

Ciao fuckers.

Random pix...enjoy

2005-08-06T12:58:00.000-04:00

South Beach

Hammin' it up...lol

Don't fuck with me. LOL

Drunk as hell this past New Year's with SNeighbor

Clockwise, from top left: Shaq, Janis (J9's brother's girlfriend), J9, Cousin and me - at my 25th birthday bash - 2005.

I am pretty sure I was wasted in this pic...coming back from playing pool @ Slate with Suga and J9.

Triple D

2005-08-06T10:38:00.000-04:00

So. Was at Pauline's last night. Who walks in? D. Ok. He says hello, kiss on the cheek, how're you doing, to which I respond 'I've had better days'...anyway, he talked to some old broad for awhile, left, came back and left again.

I was busy with J9 and her brothers, so I didn't pay any mind. But I had an eye peeled, lol.

Anyway, long story short, I was talking to the girl that introduced us and she said that D doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, blah blah, he loves his ex, but he's not in love with her, yadda yadda. These are all things I already know. I said, out loud, 'I have something to say'. Her and J9 were like, 'ok say it'. I said 'to him'...but I didn't have his number. So J2 (the girl who did the intro) gave it to me and I called him.

Basically, he reiterated what I already knew about not wanting a relationship right now. He told me to put his number back in my phone and to call whenever I wanted. He said he wasn't put off by the drunk dialing/TMs b/c we all do it. Said he enjoyed hanging with me and wants to hang again, but just doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship and just wants to see where things go. I am cool with that. He told me to call him today, and I will. Feelin' much better now.

One freakin' day at a time man.

Ciao fuckers.

Everlongggg

2005-08-04T17:13:00.000-04:00

Currently listening to: Everlong - acoustic Foo Fighters.

Very appropriate.

Been doing some thinking...aren't I always? Anyway, so I am just bloody lonely. Ahhh...it only hits me at night, not because I want someone in my bed, but, well, I read somewhere that people tend to be more emotional at night. I don't know if its because our minds are weary from the day we've had or what, but I find some truth in that.

But I definitely am lonely, and I know that I cling to the possibility of spending time with someone, hence my aggression. Ok. Enough of that for now.

Off to take over the world with J9.

Ciao fuckers.

Took a pill today...

2005-08-03T22:48:00.000-04:00

...called FUKITOL. FUKITOL is proven to make the person taking it NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT A GODDAMN THING. I pop two of those babies and my mind and heart are numb. As they should be.

Everyone should FUKITOL.

*sigh*...in depression mode again.

Ciao ;-(

Olive branch

2005-08-01T21:50:00.000-04:00

Ooook. So I TM'd D a little while ago and said the following:

"This is sober, rational Yazmeen saying hello. Hope all is well with you"

Surprisingly, he replied and said:

"Hi back. I'm sleeping, I feel like shit"

To which I said:

"I'm sorry to hear that sweets. Gimme a call when you can"

And with that said, I am officially done. I was just extending the ol' olive branch b/c my stupid ass drunk dials/text messages and I tend to scare people away, for lack of a better term. I just want to know that the guy I'm diggin', digs me back. Ok. Now Zing has been reading "He's Just Not That Into You", which I plan to pick up tomorrow. I need to know what's up, not just with D, but with any dude. See, with D - I don't expect anything. I just met him a little over a week ago and we've only seen each other once since. So - gonna wait that one out and see what happens. Now, if I was seeing a dude for a few months and we have the relations and all, and he doesn't call/text me as much as I call/text him - Houston, we have a problem. That's what happened with J and see...he was just not that into me, proven by the fact that he now has a girlfriend that ain't me.

And so it goes.

I am pre-menstrual, bloated and fat. I want to crawl into a hole, but Cousin is making me get up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the gym, mall, pool tomorrow. Long day. Then off with SNeighbor to her company's softball game.

Feelin' like a muffin top. LOL.

Ciao fuckers.

AOL Nazis

2005-08-01T13:55:00.000-04:00

Fuck AOL.

All this AOL Beta bullshit is supposed to improve the quality of my fuckin' email checking, ok? Not hinder it. So what the fuck is up with my email bastards? I thank goodness that I don’t use them as my fuckin’ ISP. I’m talking about the AOL Beta online shit. Damnit. Fuckers. Slow as all shit.

Ciao bitches.

What the fuck?

2005-07-31T16:52:00.000-04:00

Spoke to my Cousin a little bit ago and we were talking about Friday.

I told her J's girlfriend is weird. LOL. She just seemed to be quiet b/c she didn't know anyone. So my Cousin goes on to say that they really hit it off and talked all through out dinner. I asked her if that was her new best friend, new bridesmaid, all that lol. She said yes ha ha. Funny. Not so fuckin' much. ;-)

And apparently, Fiance noticed that TB and I hit it off and he said that TB is crazy. My Cousin is going to get back to me on this when she gets the dirt from him. She said he didn't mean mentally crazy, probably like ya know, wild. Ok. He is 22 and goes to Pace U. I mean, hello? And he's really hot? If I were him, I'd be crazy too. More on this to come.

Ciao bitches.

Song of the Day

2005-07-31T14:49:00.000-04:00

Corduroy - Pearl Jam

The waiting drove me mad...you’re finally here and I’m a mess
I take your entrance back...can’t let you roam inside my head
I don’t want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
I would rather run but I can’t walk...
Guess I’ll lie alone just like before...

I’ll take the firmest path...oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist...this behavior’s not unique
I don’t want to hear from those who know...
They can buy, but can’t put on my clothes...
I don’t want to limp for them to walk...
Never would have known of me before...
I don’t want to be held in your debt...
And I’ll pay it off in blood, let I be wed...
And I’m already cut up and half dead...
I’ll end up alone like I began...

Everything has changed, absolutely nothing’s changed
Take my hand, not my picture, spilled my tincture

I don’t want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
All the things that others want for me...
Can’t buy what I want because it’s free...
Can’t be what you want because i’m...

I ain’t s’posed to be just fun
Oh, to live and die, let it be done
I figure I’ll be damned, all alone like I began...

Been thinkin'

2005-07-31T14:01:00.000-04:00

Go me. I am having actual brain activity today. Haven't really slept this week and its weighing down on me, hard. I plan to get some rest tonight and get up at the crack of dawn to resume my gym regimen. I haven't gone at all this month and I feel like a sloth. Ok, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

Thinkin' bout some man shit. Ok. So I meet 2 guys in 7 days. Nice, Yaz. Nice. Its pretty much unheard of, b/c as my Zing reflected recently, men don't like the potty mouth. Well, guess what? Fuck is my favorite word and everyone should use it. Its great. Listen I don't curse in front of kids ok? Well...not when I'm paying attention, that is. Ok, so fuck the hell off, tool.

Anyhoo - so meeting people is kewl, but I am soooo starved for some affection and attention that I come on too strong. And that's another thing. Being the empowered woman that I am, I have no problem making first moves: first one to call, first one to ask a dude when we're going to hang out, first one to walk up and say to a guy I like you, as I did to TB (to which, his response was I like you too lol...hot)...

But as J9 points out, maybe I scare them away. Maybe my aggression comes across as psycho lol. I dunno. But I think I'm just going to take it easy.

TB and I made plans to hang this week. Ball is in his court: I told him to call me and we'd work out the details. As for D, well - I was tempted to text him yesterday to say hello (during the daytime, not when I was drunk) - but decided against it. The last thing he text'd me on Thursday was "I'll call you later"...ahh Zing, dontcha just love that line?! Funny. So, rather than delete him from my phone (b/c I genuinely do want to get to know him better), I edited his name to say "D...Don't Bother", so if I get tempted to text or call him prior to him calling me, I will be reminded that I...well...shouldn't bother! He will call eventually. No clue when he is getting back from Milwaukee, but most likely this week. What kind of fuckin' cheese party is he at in fuckin' Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Weird.

Anyway - so that's what I've been thinking about - gotta get a handle on this single shit. Its been almost a year since I've been single and I guess...well, I'm lonely again. I can only do so much masturbating. Ha ha.

Ciao fuckers.

Oh, yea, another thing about changing religion

2005-07-31T12:54:00.000-04:00

I DIDN'T DRUNK DIAL ANYONE LAST NIGHT! WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trying to turn over a new tree. Ya feel me?

Ciao bitches.

Party like a (cock) star!

2005-07-31T11:53:00.000-04:00

So. Ok. Maybe it's me because I am still young. But if one of my girlzzzzz was getting married, I would be balls to the wall, bra on a bar stool, getting body shots from hot bartenders. Now. The bride to be and I were roommates, up until a few weeks ago, and I am not in her wedding party.

I could hear crickets, literally, chirping, since there was so little action taking place.

We went to the hotel room, changed, did hair and make up, that whole thing. Mind you, its only 5 of us. Didn't hop into a cab until almost 10pm. Went over to Brother Jimmy's on 2nd Ave & 77th. Hot bouncer. Yup.

Anyway, we had this Bachelorette t-shirt that had a checklist of things to do while bar crawling. So we got some beers and a fishbowl (fuck man, that shit tasted like Kool-Aid but it was strrrong as hell) and made our way to the back of the bar. Um, to a secluded corner table. Why? I said, ya know, let's hang out in the front where there are more people. Those people are likely to help us check off some stuff on the t-shirt, make this a little interesting. Uh, no, they wanted to sit. Fine. J9 calls me and says she's going to come down for a drink with us. Hot. Thank goodness. I was a little tipsy by the time she got there, so we went outside for a smoke.

Long story short, we had another fishbowl at Brother Jimmy's and there was still no progress on the shirt. Went to Mo's Caribbean and that's where we got crackin' with the checklist. J9 left after another drink and went home. There was some dancing involved, which, I NEVER do at a bar. But you see, I'm changing my religion in a lot of ways, so why the hell not? Ex-roomie and the other girls made nice with some dudes sitting next to us. I was just jammin' on my bar stool. More beer. I remember toasting and using my favorite line from 25th Hour: "Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends"...got a lot of laughs out of that one. So true last night.

Don't ask me how, but we ended up going to the Town Crier next, which is the place where I blacked out on St. Patty's. Well. I didn't black out there, per se, but it was one of the places we went that I don't remember. I remember that day, I was about to brawl with a guy when she pulled up to the bar. As usual, I digress. I went and got 2 slices of pizza b/c I was fuckin' starving. Then I went into the bar.

Anyway, I didn't drink at the Town Crier b/c I'd had enough. I wasn't black out drunk - so that was good. I was sleepy tipsy. The Town Crier was kind of a bore, but the bartender was pretty cute. We were smoking cigs outside with him and a couple of other guys and we asked them for their condoms (look, it was on the list, ok?). To my complete shock and utter disgust, none of the men were carrying one. I had a very contemplative Carrie Bradshaw moment (lol, Zing).

*An aside: How is it, that in this city of 8 million people, not one guy that we asked, at any of the bars, had a condom in his wallet? Do we, as women, have to bear the burden of contraception for the phallic set? Have we just accepted the fact that most men are irresponsible and we have to get ours, but also protect our prized possessions? (well, listen, my pussy is prized, ok?). Damn. Ok.

So I say to the bartender (well, bar manager), Dude, you are telling me that you don't have a condom on you right now? So he says, No, they're all at home. If I bring a chick back to my place, they're already there. Ok, if this wasn't New York and wasn't 2nd Ave., I might not have been so shocked. Again, in this city of 8 million people, I would think that someone, anyone would have a condom JUST IN CASE. Let me tell you something. I would not go home with a guy that I am meeting for the first time that night, in a bar, no less. That's just me, I don't judge, just saying that I don't do that. Its dangerous. Not getting raped and tossed on the street like a rag doll. No thank you. Anyway, so after that, I just kind of stopped thinking Mr. Bar Manager was cute.

We go back in and discover the Bachelorette with a pair of boxers on her head (getting a man to give you his boxers in a bar was on the checklist, too). Nice. I walked around with them b/c it gave me something to do. After all, I'd stopped drinking. This went on for a while, at least an hour and then around 3ish, I needed to hit the sack. I felt old and tired and worn the hell out. But, I attribute that to the fact that I've been drinking hard every night since Tuesday of this week and not getting any sleep. So whatever. We were going to go to Local, but it looked kind of empty so we walked back to the hotel. Longest walk of my life, I tell you.

They were hungry, I was sleepy. I'd forgotten jammies, so I had to sleep in my skivvies, on the floor with a nice thick blanket. Fine by me. I wanted to trash to hotel room when we woke up, but no, not allowed, we just made a painting crooked. Rock on. LOL.

Very anti-climactic. I think my ex-roomie had a decent time, but wanted more. I don't know who was most boring, but I guess after awhile, I'd lost my steam, so maybe it was me. Whatevsss.

I am exhausted at work, so I'm going to pretend that I'm being productive. Gonna order me some sushi. Cock star! wooooo

Ciao fuckers.

Bar crawlin'...

2005-07-30T20:20:00.000-04:00

So, tonight is my former roommate's Bachelorette event. We are doing a bar crawl. Starting @ Brother Jimmy's on the Upper East Side and making our way down to McFadden's on 42nd Street. Ya-fuckin'-hoo man.

SNeighbor reserved a room at the Warwick for the night (so none of us drunk bitches has to drive home). The Warwick is on 6th Ave at 54th Street. Um, I work on 57th btw 5th and 6th, so I am leaving my car in front of my work building and I am WALKING TO WORK IN THE MORNING LOL. HOT!!!!! Meaning that if we get back at 4am, I can get at least 7 hours of sleep, shower and go - be at work in 3 minutes. I am so happy.

I'm sure I won't remember anything that happens tonight, so I may not have another exciting update for you, but maybe there will be pictures? HOT.

Ciao fuckers.