Its interesting - the things that make me pause.
I tend to move at lightning speed all the time, like I'm a freakin' Energizer Bunny on crack... Sometimes I need to stop and relax. Take a look around. Ask some questions. Reveal some information.So last night, as I was outside of T's house with Heid, one of my beautiful friends, smoking a cigarette, we got to chatting about having feelings for unattainable people. Now granted, Heid was a bit sloshed, and I was a tad tipsy, so I highly doubt any of this would have come out had we been sober. She had been dating a fireman and she said he was really flaky. So she thought maybe he had a girlfriend on the sneak or something, or maybe he was married. I said, yea a friend of mine is dealing with a married man (as a matter of fact, 2 of my friends are) and she revealed that she once did as well and regretted it because she fell hard for him. She knew, at that point, that she had to pull away from him and she did.
I shared with her what happened with McMarried and I. All we did was kiss. We were both a little tipsy, I walked him to his car. I wasn't going to do it man, I promise, but he just looked so good. He was leaning back against his car, legs open just enough for mine to fit between, hands in his pockets. He tooks his hands out and pulled me to him...close...then we kissed. It was great. He said he felt guilty and I pulled away and put my hands up (in a defensive gesture) and told him that I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to do. He held my hands and said that he wanted to, but just felt guilty. Then he kissed me again. I ran my hands over his face and hair and just kissed him. He commented that my kissing is suggestive. I pulled away again and told him that nothing further had to happen. He looked sad. I told him that it would probably be a good idea if he left and he agreed, so he did.
According to C, we were gone for awhile and later on he asked me if I hooked up with McMarried. I said no. He asked me again the next day, and I said no again. He said he was just suspicious because we were gone for so long the first time we went out to the car together. I forgot to mention that before we started playing pool, he said he had to put money in the meter and I offered to go with him. He totally made a play for me, not vice versa, but I said it didn't look good that we were gone for so long and we went back. That's the time C was referring to, not when I walked him to his car. Whew, sorry guys, hope I didn't confuse ya. C doesn't need to know anything because even though they are mad cool, McMarried is his boss. And SNeighbor doesn't need to know either, since she works with those guys. So really, I'm not telling anybody that is even remotely related to White Plains, lol.
I guess I am stressing this situation because, yet again, I opened my mouth to my girlfriends, telling them that they should be wary of dealing with married men because its wrong. And here, uh huh, I went and did the same. I am a hypocrite. I haven't really been a hypocrite in a long freakin' time man. And its fucking with me. I know that I am going to see him again, probably on a weekly basis, at least for the summer, until the softball games end. He doesn't have my number and I don't have his, but that could change at any time, meaning that our interactions don't necessarily have to be limited to hanging in the bar(s) after the games.
I can't promise myself that I won't say anything to him about any of this, but I do want to put it out there that its fucking with me, obviously not as much as its fucking with him, but still - it kills.
I am not falling for this guy, I mean, he is so fuckin' smokin' hot and his personality is awesome, but deep down I know that the real cheating is emotional attachment, not sex. Well, to me anyway. But kissing is so...passionate. I don't go around kissing people at random because to me, its way more intimate than sex. I don't knock those that do, but its different for me. He is right, my kissing is suggestive, but only because its passionate and real.
Fuck, dudes, I don't know what I'm going to do. I will not openly pursue this, but I also won't turn it down if he does. I know why he is in to me, he told me. He thinks I am beautiful, smart and he likes my personality. I cursed him out in the first 30 seconds we hung out. *Sidebar: why are men so into that? Damn. I use that as a defense mechanism so that peope don't think they can walk all over me, and what do they do? They love it. Grr...* Back to the point - he told me that up until he was 19, he was a fat kid, probably never got this much attention from women. Fuck man. I want to get him in the sack, bottom line lol. I can't even deny this. The more I think about it, the more I want it. But, I won't go after it. Fuck that.
I am currently putting on my fire retardant suit, getting ready to step into hell. Angry emails, here they come.
Ciao fuckers.
Yes...that is his sad little Red Sox bear, blindfolded and hanged...the story is not over yet, though!!!!...more to come on that...
