Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Sunday, July 31, 2005

What the fuck?

Spoke to my Cousin a little bit ago and we were talking about Friday.

I told her J's girlfriend is weird. LOL. She just seemed to be quiet b/c she didn't know anyone. So my Cousin goes on to say that they really hit it off and talked all through out dinner. I asked her if that was her new best friend, new bridesmaid, all that lol. She said yes ha ha. Funny. Not so fuckin' much. ;-)

And apparently, Fiance noticed that TB and I hit it off and he said that TB is crazy. My Cousin is going to get back to me on this when she gets the dirt from him. She said he didn't mean mentally crazy, probably like ya know, wild. Ok. He is 22 and goes to Pace U. I mean, hello? And he's really hot? If I were him, I'd be crazy too. More on this to come.

Ciao bitches.

Song of the Day

Corduroy - Pearl Jam

The waiting drove me’re finally here and I’m a mess
I take your entrance back...can’t let you roam inside my head
I don’t want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
I would rather run but I can’t walk...
Guess I’ll lie alone just like before...

I’ll take the firmest path...oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist...this behavior’s not unique
I don’t want to hear from those who know...
They can buy, but can’t put on my clothes...
I don’t want to limp for them to walk...
Never would have known of me before...
I don’t want to be held in your debt...
And I’ll pay it off in blood, let I be wed...
And I’m already cut up and half dead...
I’ll end up alone like I began...

Everything has changed, absolutely nothing’s changed
Take my hand, not my picture, spilled my tincture

I don’t want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
All the things that others want for me...
Can’t buy what I want because it’s free...
Can’t be what you want because i’m...

I ain’t s’posed to be just fun
Oh, to live and die, let it be done
I figure I’ll be damned, all alone like I began...

Been thinkin'

Go me. I am having actual brain activity today. Haven't really slept this week and its weighing down on me, hard. I plan to get some rest tonight and get up at the crack of dawn to resume my gym regimen. I haven't gone at all this month and I feel like a sloth. Ok, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

Thinkin' bout some man shit. Ok. So I meet 2 guys in 7 days. Nice, Yaz. Nice. Its pretty much unheard of, b/c as my Zing reflected recently, men don't like the potty mouth. Well, guess what? Fuck is my favorite word and everyone should use it. Its great. Listen I don't curse in front of kids ok? Well...not when I'm paying attention, that is. Ok, so fuck the hell off, tool.

Anyhoo - so meeting people is kewl, but I am soooo starved for some affection and attention that I come on too strong. And that's another thing. Being the empowered woman that I am, I have no problem making first moves: first one to call, first one to ask a dude when we're going to hang out, first one to walk up and say to a guy I like you, as I did to TB (to which, his response was I like you too

But as J9 points out, maybe I scare them away. Maybe my aggression comes across as psycho lol. I dunno. But I think I'm just going to take it easy.

TB and I made plans to hang this week. Ball is in his court: I told him to call me and we'd work out the details. As for D, well - I was tempted to text him yesterday to say hello (during the daytime, not when I was drunk) - but decided against it. The last thing he text'd me on Thursday was "I'll call you later"...ahh Zing, dontcha just love that line?! Funny. So, rather than delete him from my phone (b/c I genuinely do want to get to know him better), I edited his name to say "D...Don't Bother", so if I get tempted to text or call him prior to him calling me, I will be reminded that I...well...shouldn't bother! He will call eventually. No clue when he is getting back from Milwaukee, but most likely this week. What kind of fuckin' cheese party is he at in fuckin' Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Weird.

Anyway - so that's what I've been thinking about - gotta get a handle on this single shit. Its been almost a year since I've been single and I guess...well, I'm lonely again. I can only do so much masturbating. Ha ha.

Ciao fuckers.

Oh, yea, another thing about changing religion


Trying to turn over a new tree. Ya feel me?

Ciao bitches.

Party like a (cock) star!

So. Ok. Maybe it's me because I am still young. But if one of my girlzzzzz was getting married, I would be balls to the wall, bra on a bar stool, getting body shots from hot bartenders. Now. The bride to be and I were roommates, up until a few weeks ago, and I am not in her wedding party.

I could hear crickets, literally, chirping, since there was so little action taking place.

We went to the hotel room, changed, did hair and make up, that whole thing. Mind you, its only 5 of us. Didn't hop into a cab until almost 10pm. Went over to Brother Jimmy's on 2nd Ave & 77th. Hot bouncer. Yup.

Anyway, we had this Bachelorette t-shirt that had a checklist of things to do while bar crawling. So we got some beers and a fishbowl (fuck man, that shit tasted like Kool-Aid but it was strrrong as hell) and made our way to the back of the bar. Um, to a secluded corner table. Why? I said, ya know, let's hang out in the front where there are more people. Those people are likely to help us check off some stuff on the t-shirt, make this a little interesting. Uh, no, they wanted to sit. Fine. J9 calls me and says she's going to come down for a drink with us. Hot. Thank goodness. I was a little tipsy by the time she got there, so we went outside for a smoke.

Long story short, we had another fishbowl at Brother Jimmy's and there was still no progress on the shirt. Went to Mo's Caribbean and that's where we got crackin' with the checklist. J9 left after another drink and went home. There was some dancing involved, which, I NEVER do at a bar. But you see, I'm changing my religion in a lot of ways, so why the hell not? Ex-roomie and the other girls made nice with some dudes sitting next to us. I was just jammin' on my bar stool. More beer. I remember toasting and using my favorite line from 25th Hour: "Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends" a lot of laughs out of that one. So true last night.

Don't ask me how, but we ended up going to the Town Crier next, which is the place where I blacked out on St. Patty's. Well. I didn't black out there, per se, but it was one of the places we went that I don't remember. I remember that day, I was about to brawl with a guy when she pulled up to the bar. As usual, I digress. I went and got 2 slices of pizza b/c I was fuckin' starving. Then I went into the bar.

Anyway, I didn't drink at the Town Crier b/c I'd had enough. I wasn't black out drunk - so that was good. I was sleepy tipsy. The Town Crier was kind of a bore, but the bartender was pretty cute. We were smoking cigs outside with him and a couple of other guys and we asked them for their condoms (look, it was on the list, ok?). To my complete shock and utter disgust, none of the men were carrying one. I had a very contemplative Carrie Bradshaw moment (lol, Zing).

*An aside: How is it, that in this city of 8 million people, not one guy that we asked, at any of the bars, had a condom in his wallet? Do we, as women, have to bear the burden of contraception for the phallic set? Have we just accepted the fact that most men are irresponsible and we have to get ours, but also protect our prized possessions? (well, listen, my pussy is prized, ok?). Damn. Ok.

So I say to the bartender (well, bar manager), Dude, you are telling me that you don't have a condom on you right now? So he says, No, they're all at home. If I bring a chick back to my place, they're already there. Ok, if this wasn't New York and wasn't 2nd Ave., I might not have been so shocked. Again, in this city of 8 million people, I would think that someone, anyone would have a condom JUST IN CASE. Let me tell you something. I would not go home with a guy that I am meeting for the first time that night, in a bar, no less. That's just me, I don't judge, just saying that I don't do that. Its dangerous. Not getting raped and tossed on the street like a rag doll. No thank you. Anyway, so after that, I just kind of stopped thinking Mr. Bar Manager was cute.

We go back in and discover the Bachelorette with a pair of boxers on her head (getting a man to give you his boxers in a bar was on the checklist, too). Nice. I walked around with them b/c it gave me something to do. After all, I'd stopped drinking. This went on for a while, at least an hour and then around 3ish, I needed to hit the sack. I felt old and tired and worn the hell out. But, I attribute that to the fact that I've been drinking hard every night since Tuesday of this week and not getting any sleep. So whatever. We were going to go to Local, but it looked kind of empty so we walked back to the hotel. Longest walk of my life, I tell you.

They were hungry, I was sleepy. I'd forgotten jammies, so I had to sleep in my skivvies, on the floor with a nice thick blanket. Fine by me. I wanted to trash to hotel room when we woke up, but no, not allowed, we just made a painting crooked. Rock on. LOL.

Very anti-climactic. I think my ex-roomie had a decent time, but wanted more. I don't know who was most boring, but I guess after awhile, I'd lost my steam, so maybe it was me. Whatevsss.

I am exhausted at work, so I'm going to pretend that I'm being productive. Gonna order me some sushi. Cock star! wooooo

Ciao fuckers.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Bar crawlin'...

So, tonight is my former roommate's Bachelorette event. We are doing a bar crawl. Starting @ Brother Jimmy's on the Upper East Side and making our way down to McFadden's on 42nd Street. Ya-fuckin'-hoo man.

SNeighbor reserved a room at the Warwick for the night (so none of us drunk bitches has to drive home). The Warwick is on 6th Ave at 54th Street. Um, I work on 57th btw 5th and 6th, so I am leaving my car in front of my work building and I am WALKING TO WORK IN THE MORNING LOL. HOT!!!!! Meaning that if we get back at 4am, I can get at least 7 hours of sleep, shower and go - be at work in 3 minutes. I am so happy.

I'm sure I won't remember anything that happens tonight, so I may not have another exciting update for you, but maybe there will be pictures? HOT.

Ciao fuckers.

All a blur

So, I've been drinking alot lately. Zing, happy to know I'm not the only fucktard that blacks out. Not a good look. I've been pretty good lately though - getting drunk, but cutting myself off at the black out point. Nice.

So a quick recap of the week - D, well let's just say that he is just as busy as J was (who I saw last night, by the way - more on that in a sec). I'm cool with that, but guess what? I'm done calling and texting him. I'm not being malicious or anything - he's a great guy. But he has like 47 jobs and is wayyyy too busy for my taste. Like him though, so maybe when he gets back from Milwaukee (whenever that is)...and where the fuck is Milwaukee anyway? Who the fuck goes there? I mean, really. Tangent, sorry.

Anyway, so yea he's great, but I can't get caught up again. No thanks. There's a "To Be Continued" sign on this one. Gonna keep him in my back pocket for now and see what develops.

So, went out uh, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and last night, lol. So, yes, the famous bday party on the 29th that I've been talking about.

Dang, I hope I can get a hold of the pictures that were taken b/c I look fuckin' smashing. It must be the great tan and the straight hair. I dunno, but I was the shit last night. Sounds conceited, but fuck it, I was.

J9 came and picked me up from work around 9:45. That is my bitch, she looked so great last night. Anyway, after mucho traffic, we got there a little after 10. While we were walking down the block to the spot, my girls rolled up on us! Yea, gang was all there. Intros all around. I have some hot friends.

Anyway, so we get in there - place is beautiful, by the way. So it was me, J9, Heid, Julz, T, and Mad. There were a few guys there that I met a few times - MC, Double B and Double B's brother, TB. HOT. Young, but so fuckin' smokin'!!

Now, I flirt with MC alot - he has curly hair and these beautiful, clear blue eyes. HOT. But he has a girlfriend. He was supposed to bring her last night, but didn't. Said they're on the rocks right now. Nice. LOL. But Heid and him have kissed before and she is way hotter than me, so ya know, I have no shot. Cool by me though - I got enough man drama lol.

Anyway, so TB gave me the eye as soon as I stepped in the door. Aside: I was wearing a black tube top with glittery stripes on the top and bottom of it. Hot. Tight jeans and gold sandals. I was greased up and my hair was stick straight man. I was really feeling myself ha ha. Ok, back to it.

So TB was checking me out and after getting a drink, I made my way over to the guys (ok, it was like 5 feet away), hugs and kisses, whatevsss. So Double B reintroduces me to TB and he gives me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Playa, right? I am assuming. Smooth though lol.

Turns out he is 22! OMG a baby. I feel like the only cradle robber, but damn, as long as he is legally allowed to drink, who am I to complain? He is freakin' hot and fuckin' hell man. Damn. Fuck. Hot.

Whew! Need a cold shower. Ok. Moving on.

So Cousin shows up finally, with Fiance, J and his girl. She is cute, but not as pretty as I thought she was and she has a weird body shape. Maybe she is athletic. Whatever, she's no beast. J came up to me a little bit after they arrived and made small talk. I was sure to shut that down real quick lol. I'm fine thanks, ok, gotta go get my drink, talk later, buh bye.

So we were having a great fuckin' time. The music was perfect - just the right mix of everything I like - man, I was actually dancing! I never dance at bars. Lol. Pet peeve of mine, but it was a loungy kind of bar, so, ya know, its different. Anyhoo - Twin ended up getting in after not having her ID (she lost it), but yahoo, she has a nice rack and lesbian or no, men respond to that lol. Oh such a good frickin' time. TB and I were kinda joined at the hip the whole night - his bro said that TB was in love lol. Puhleeze. He is too young for me, but damnit, he's so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very nice guy too.

So being the good wing man that he obviously must be, Double B was like, Hey Yaz, give my bro a kiss. I was like, duh, ok. So I kissed him on the cheek a couple of times and he turned his head and kissed me on the lips. Sneak attack! Nefarious little fucker. I liked it though.

We ended up exchanging numbers of course, and we all proceeded to get tossed. Oh man. Tossed. J9 and Twin commented that J's girlfriend had no rhythm. LOL. I laughed at that one. Lot of girl-on-girl dancing took place and the guys were, of course, amazed lol. Whatever, better than a penis against your back. Damnit.

Double B and TB tried to get me and Mad (who was talking to Double B all night) to go to McFadden's (that's where I'd met them both a couple of months ago). Uh no. We are tossed and going home. Little blurry on whether or not I kissed TB when I left, but I damn sure drunk dialed him. LOL. Gosh, I have a real problem with that. Gotta stop it! I just left a message saying that I hope he got home ok. He text'd me today and we went back and forth for a little while - we're going to get together this week sometime. Hot. Looking forward to it. Oh, he's a college kid lol, we'll probably go out for drinks. **sigh** So hot, but so young.

Left around 3:30 am and headed up to my job with the girls to pick up my car. Cousin and Fiance came with me and I dropped them off at J's house where their car was parked. Headed down to the Bronx to Pauline's where J9 was b/c all my shit was in her car. Used the bathroom and talked to her bro MB. Not at the same time lol. Been seeing alot of MB lately. I love him, he is so crazy. He wants me bad (we used to uh, see each other? a year or 2 ago) but he has a girl and while I don't particularly care for her b/c she lacks common sense, I talk to her and I'm cordial so, uh, no thanks on that. Got my shit and went home.

And 5 hours of sleep and a slamming Caramel Swirl Latte later and I'm typing this here long ass blog. Can't do any work right now b/c my account has been disabled - no access to any of my files - so on I blog.

P.S. Pardon any typos or misspellings please - long ass blog.

Ciao bitches.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

All the same

No matter how much you (as a female) want to believe that so and so is different, he isn't. Period.

When you scrub away a man's exterior - the sarcasm, the intelligence, the insecurities, the smugness - whatever facade they show you - men are all alike. They are made up of the same fabric and not one of them stands out as being different. Deep, deep down, they all want the same thing - they just go about it in their own ways. Think about this. Seriously.

*Nothing in particular happened to make me say this - its more of a sad realization. I try to be positive. I do. But I guess I just get myself into weird situations, or rather, want a certain situation so badly that anyone displaying any desirable qualities will do. Ack. I'll be ok - just venting. Maybe its all this sun I've been getting?


"Into your garden..."

garden - pearl jam

the direction of the eye
so misleading
the defection of the soul
nauseously quick

I don't question
our existence
I just question
our modern needs

I will walk...with my hands bound
I will walk...with my face blood
I will walk...with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone

after all is done
we're still alone
I won't be taken
yet I'll go...

I will walk...with my hands bound
I will walk...with my face blood
I will walk...with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone

I don't show...
I don't share...
I don't need
what you have to give...the direction of the eye
so misleading
the defection of the soul
nauseously quick

I don't question
our existence
I just question
our modern needs

I will walk...with my hands bound
I will walk...with my face blood
I will walk...with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone

after all is done
we're still alone
I won't be taken
yet I'll go...

I will walk...with my hands bound
I will walk...with my face blood
I will walk...with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone

I don't show...
I don't share...
I don't need
what you have to give...


Lol. Yea, I went to the beach yesterday with J9 and her bro and boy am I brown as all hell.

Just felt like sharing. Today - the pool with J9, her bro and J9's former partner. Its going to be another scorcher. Ahhhhh. Feeling like I'm on vacation...


Monday, July 25, 2005

Cloud 9...

Ok. I don’t want to jinx it. But…here I go anyway.

Went to see D last night at this little hole in the wall bar he was working at. J9 was supposed to come with me, but of course, there was maddddd drama at the baseball game we were at, so I went alone. Got there after 11pm when I originally planned on getting there early! Ahh…hung out, had a great time….I got kisses! Lots of them. He is really, really sweet and very attentive: apparently, there was a fight before I got there, so the place was cleared out and it was only him and his boy in there. We talked for a long while, the 3 of us, but he always made sure to explain the people in his stories and how they knew them…stuff like that. Really made me feel included, which was nice.

Anyway, this chick that was at the baseball game walked in with her husband. Turns out she bartends there as well. Really sweet girl. She saw us talking with our arms around each other and said we look cute together. ;-) She whispered to me “I better get an invitation to the wedding!”…lol. I told him that and he was like “Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Let’s get married”…ha ha.

And he’s a good kisser. Yahoo.

I just know that I this is pretty much sticking my foot in my mouth, but I’m going to remain positive and hope that good things happen! ;-)


Sunday, July 24, 2005

First real conversation

So D called me today. I just want to say that I finally met someone who is just as sarcastic as I am...even more so. Its scary. He's very sweet. All I'm sayin'. Everytime I say something about someone, something gets fucked up. LOL.

Ok. I might go see him tonight at this bar he's working at...only if J9 will accompany me...which, she always does b/c she is my P-n-C LOL. She is always by my side on my 'missions'. So...we'll see how it goes.



Oooook. I'm only posting this because I've been dreading this blasted party on the 29th. I talked to Cousin this morning and she goes, "Guess who I met last night?"...duh! J's GF? Yes. Ok. So I'm like "Soooo, what did you think?" and she said "She was really, really sweet, very nice girl." I say "She's cute, right?" Cousin: "Yea, she's pretty, but you could tell that she's young b/c she acted young, like 21 or something"...I'm like "Ok, well I just saw her, didn't talk to her but whatever"...

Now. Hmm. Ok. This actually makes sense to me, if she acts young. Not that J ever acted "young", but there were certain things that I didn't feel like talking to him about. He is older than me, but he is what I like to call the "Beer Pong" type.

Ok, before I go any further with this boring J thing, let's talk about Man Typing...Profiling, if you will. Let's assume that the men who fall into these 'types' are over 21 years old. Mmmkay, here we go.

"Beer Pong" Dude: The 'BP' dude has a decent job and is very likely the member of a fraternity. He is all about going out and getting wasted with his boys. He wears a choker. He wears sandals and button down shirts with khaki shorts. He likes MTV and is fairly well groomed, but not all anal about it. He is very much into sports and might play a sport himself.
Drink of choice: Beer.
Favorite Band: Dave Matthews Band.
Favorite kind of girl: The young, blonde ditzy kind with the big boobs

"Bling Bling" Dude: You know him. You may have a family member or friend like him. He listens to rap music and uses words like "Ma", "Shorty", "Bling", "Holla". He hangs out at clubs, not bars. He wears baggy jeans, jerseys and extra large baseball caps. He, too, is into sports, but probably only plays pick up basketball games with his boys.
Drink of choice: "Henn-rock".
Favorite Band: None. He listens to Jay-Z and the Ying Yang Twins.
Favorite kind of girl: The kind with the big booty a la music video hoochies

"I'm too sexy for my shirt" Dude: ITSFMS dude is a metrosexual. All the way. He owns more hair products than most salons. He wears black button down shirts with nice, fitted jeans and black spiffy shoes. He wears expensive cologne and is groomed to the nines. He hangs out at lounges. He doesn't particularly care for sports. He will probably talk about his career in investment banking.
Drink of choice: Vodka (top shelf) and 7
Favorite Band: U2
Favorite kind of girl: Trust fund blonde, big boobs

The "Meathead" Dude: You see Meathead dude at the gym. He goes there when it opens and leaves (grudgingly) when it closes. He has no neck and hangs with guys that look just like him. He talks, eats, sleeps, drinks, sweats the gym. His favorite date is a gym date. Getting the picture here? He likes sports: Weightlifting, Wrestling, Strongman competitions. After greasing up his muscles and squeezing into his spandex muscle tee, he goes to the bar.
Drink of choice: Beer and shots of Stoli O
Favorite band: Anything he can lift to. Most likely techno.
Favorite kind of girl: Blonde, dumb, boobs, fellow gym rat

And the list goes on, man. Zing, care to add to it?

Anyhoo, so J is a "Beer Pong" dude, and it seems most fitting that he made a young chick his GF. And Cousin said she is super sweet. Well of course she is. She is probably super young minded and naive, too. Am I hating? Maybe. But why would she be a bitch to J's best friend and his fiance? She is going to be as sweet as can be b/c she wants to impress his friends. Well ya ain't fooling me, bitch. LOL. I promise, I will be very nice to the girl when I meet her. Remember...I'm a cordial bitch. Hello, how are you, great, have you fucked him yet, cuz p.s. he has a small penis. Oh, no? I'm sorry, I hope I didn't ruin for you, sweetie, but just a little advice, ya know, girl to girl? Sample the goods before you purchase them, ok? Oh you're welcome, its my pleasure. Go have a drink sweetie, you're going to need it.

I have a feeling that the 29th is going to be an arduous evening. I wonder how drunk I'll get. Probably not very b/c I'm gonna get her nice and drunk. LOL, j/k. I am so evil. I promise, I'll be lovely. That's what sophisticated ladies do - they're cordial and lovely and that's gonna be me.



Some Red Bulls, Amstels and a phone call later...

Yup later. Lol. D called around 11:30 pm, but I pressed "ignore" b/c I was on the phone with J9. She was getting some stuff off her chest about her dude situation and I was standing outside the bar talking to her. 2 things: never hang up with a girlfriend for a dude, and pick up for her even when you're at a'll be a better friend.

Anyhoo - so he left me a voicemail and I checked it after I got off the phone with my J9. He just said that he was calling to say what's up and see what I was doing - was still at work, told me to call him back. According to J9, he waits tables at this place, uh, we'll call it PK (cuz its pretty popular) and its wicked busy on the weekend. Oook.

So I called him back and he picks up and doesn't say hello?, he says "Heyyyyyy what's up?!"...which I like b/c if I know your number or your name pops up on my caller ID, I'm not saying hello? either - I say "Yoooooooooo"...LOL. Anyhoo - I digress, as usual.

He said he was still at work and just got a table but asked me where I was at. I was like "White Plains" and he said ok, I will call you when I get off work.

This is a little more acceptable - gave me the early, "I'm on a break from work" call, then proceeds to tell me he'll call me later. LOL, Zing. LATER. Cool.

Well I leeft my roomie and his friend with C at the bar around 1am. I was literally a zombie at that point. TMd D just to say that I was on my way home (i.e. ok to call b/c I'm not at the bar) and he said he was just finished up with work. We TMd back and forth a couple more times, but he didn't call and that was ooooooook with me. I needed to sleep.

Instead, fucking roomie was twisted and couldn't find his boy, the dude that went out with him last night. So he was TMing me until like 3:30am...dude...WTF? I don't lose my friends when I go out, drunk or no, so don't lose yours. LOL. Ugh. Barely slept, but after my phone stopped screaming, I was home free. Why didn't you just turn off your phone, you ask? Because if something happens at work, no matter the time, someone needs to be able to reach me, and the celly is the only way!

Anyway - so, work today blech...then earlyyyyyy ass banker training tomorrow and freakin' interviews to conduct. Woo frickity hoo.

Ciao fuckers.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

And... know I can't just stay home right? One more Red Bull on the way home and I am getting ready to head to White Plains with my roommate and his friend...maybe C will meet us up there? Not staying out late though...

Ciao beetchessss!

Again, you guys get way too much of my time

FUCKIN' TIRED. DANG! Less than 4 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, 2 Red Bulls and some slamming vegetarian food from Zen Palate and I'm still flipping exhausted.

Tonight, I suppose I will just go home and veg out with a DVD or two. Numerous invitations to hang out - ARoommate, C...but I think I will just stay in. I can't even fathom having a freakin' drink - only had about 6 or 7 beers last night - no hard liquor - but my body feels as though it is going to shut down at any moment. Spontaneous implosion and shit.

I always say that I'm going to stay home, and I never freakin' do. I suppose it wouldn't particularly slay me to go out tonight, but it would have to be an early night. That's very hard when hanging out in WP. Plus, I just know that I am going to be out hanging with the boys on Tuesday after the softball game (plus, J9 is probably going to go with me, which is sweet b/c yes, I like my roommate but really, he has to make some friends on his own - I can't babysit grown men) it would be to my benefit if I took it easy tonight. I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn on Monday morning b/c stupidly, I volunteered to assist with banker training starting @ 8am downtown...then we're conducting interviews for a new supervisor for the rest of the day. But the upside is that I get to leave @ 4pm. So there's that. 4 full evenings of relative freedom next week. Ahh...can't wait. 2 more work days to go. Yahoo.

Ok, no more rambling today. Well...for now.


Is it just me?

So listen, ok, I decided to not play the normal game when people exchange numbers: you know, wait 48 hours bullshit before you call. Nah, I'm too old for that. So you know, the kid (ok, he is 24 going on 25 in November...the same day as Cousin's wedding, if you were curious) the kid tells me to call him today. I know perfectly well that he has to work @ 5pm. So dude, since you didn't tell me what time you're getting off, I'm gonna call you before 5pm. WTF?

So I text dude around 3:30pm, like hey, are you up yet? And he's like yea, I'm cleaning my room...wait. Granted, the kid asked me 20 questions last night and I barely asked one, so maybe he lives with his parents? Ok. I say I am cleaning my room all the time, but everyone I tell it to already knows I have a roommate. 'Nuf said. I'm not hating though - ya know, he is a teacher, in addition to being a bartender, and well J is a teacher too and I know they don't make much money. So if he is still living at home...I can't hate! So does J. Anyhoo...moving right along.

So I respond, sounds like fun ;-), I won't disturb you then, and he says, I'll call you later. Later?

Ok I overanalyze. I know this. But ok, so he starts work @ many hours does a bartender do, Zing? Many. I am assuming that he's getting off at 1am. Please don't call me at 1am. Please. I will either be out or sleeping, and either way, don't call me. I will not pick up. Not even Zing calls me that late and she's a night owl.

Ok I am assuming. I know this. But, Ok. My question is this: Is it just me, or was I supposed to play the game and wait 48 hours? No. The kid was TMing me from across the bar man. He didn't wait 48 hours. Ok.

I'm done ranting. Had to get that out. Cool now. Lol.

Ciao bitches.

This song fuckin' rawks...long live PEARL JAM!

Man of the Hour - Pearl Jam

Tidal waves don’t beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in May.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They’ll all come ‘round
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now.

Kibbles and Tits?

Dang! I forgot to mention that I met this...smokin' hot...girl last night. Ya know, girls bond over cigarettes, ok? J9 and I were outside smoking and J2 came out with this cute chick, A. She introduced herself and we started talking about tattoos and showing all of ours...well, not ALL b/c I have a few in some unmentionable places...I digress.

So, I'm a sweet girl and I basically make buddies everywhere I go. We all went back inside and sat down at the bar, and we're all talking like old friends. So A goes, "See that guy over there? In the red shirt? He won't leave me alone." you know YAZ! I was like "Baby, just tell him that I'm your girl and to leave you alone" she does and then he's looking at us as she plants a huge kiss, very close to my lips and she's like grinding between my legs. I'll admit, she was a little fresca, but hey, I wasn't complaining.

Then men, being the dogs that they are, were all intrigued. I was like oh boy. I had my hand on the small of her back b/c there were people passing by behind her and I didn't want her to get hit. She was pretty wasted. M, J9's bro, kept trying to put my hand on her ass. I'm like, dude you're such a dog, relax!...fuckin' men.

Anyway, so when she left, she was giving me kisses and hugs...hey, the ladies love me, I don't know why. I did look damn good last night though, so that might have had something to do with it.

Just wanted to share.


Always the last place you look

Totally planned on going straight home last night to hang with SNeighbor...but! I hadn't seen J9 in forever, so I picked her up and we went to WP. Met some very nice guys up there, had a great time. J9 enjoyed herself, and that was important to me b/c she doesn't really care for WP. Then we picked up Suga and went to Pauline's (the bar in the Bronx I said I'd never go to again - yea, never say never)...dang. Saw a cutie bartender and was like "J9...", she was like I'm on it. That's D and I'm going to find out if he has a girl. Now mind you, J9 knows EVERYONE in there, so she turns to this chick, J2 - a notorious Napoleon Dynamite fan - and asks her if he has a girl. She was like NO and he is the sweetest guy you'll ever meet. Jackpot. So J2 says to me "Don't you worry..." and we go back inside.

Apparently, as I found out later, J2 pulled D into the back and asked him if he I thought I was cute...she said, I'll stand behind her and order a drink. So she did just that, and, by the way, night 2 of looking smashing, ok? As an aside, J9 wants me to stop losing weight! Noooo!! More Minnie! (Less Minnie? lol)...

2 minutes later, J9 and J2 both come up to me and say "Thumbs up"...I'm like what? Apparently, he thought I was cute.

Then the girls wanted to do shots...I didn't. So he went to pour me a shot and I mouthed to him "I don't want it" he said ok. Turned his back and gave me a shot glass anyway...with cranberry juice in it. Kinda cute. Well, fuck off, I thought it was.

Long story short (as I am running on 4 hours of sleep b/c I didn't get home til 5:30am) - I was outside smoking a cig with J9 and he came outside to smoke. We'd been introduced in the bar already and he sat down next to me...he proceeded to ask me 20 Questions lol. Very interesting questions, at that lol. Thoughtful...

Dang this is dragging. Ok. More flirting blah blah, I gave him my number and when everyone was leaving, of course, we were still there with J9's bro...D was counting out and he was text messaging me from across the bar, saying witty things and watching my reaction. Very cute.

So J9 and her bro and I went to breakfast and that's why my ass didn't get to bed until 5:30am. Ok? Dang. I am exhausted, on my way to work, but I actually had fun in the Bronx. Who knew? Lol.

Oh yea...and WickedMan...he looked away. That's all I'm sayin'!


Friday, July 22, 2005


Making over SNeighbor. Hey, bartenders aren't the only ones helping people get laid, right Zing??!

I can't wait. I will be starting tonight. Unless, that is, we go to the movies with her trilingual co-worker. LOL.

Ok, gotta put out some fires over here at work.

Ciao fuckers!


Howdy. Been at work since noon and I’m so anxious to leave. My boss already told us supervisors that we’re off the hook for our deliverables today, which is a very good thing. I always get so stressed out when Friday rolls around because I have a week’s worth of emails to read and answer – about 100! But ya know, I’m trying to put everything into perspective: I’m 25, making fabulous money, in school, having fun – can’t complain anymore about any work crap.

As for other stuff to complain about, well there’s lots! LOL. I am just so lonely. Its hard to go home every night and know that I don’t have a boyfriend to call or someone to hang with (in THAT special way)…so many good things in side me that I’m not able to share with anyone. And that blows.

Not even a steady booty call! LOL. A girl needs some booty every now and then…but I’ll admit, I look forward to a certain intimacy beyond sex…I’m sure I’ll get it eventually…right now, I’m just sad about it!


What does it all mean?

Just a quickie-I forgot to mention that J called me yesterday as I was getting ready to go to WP. First he TMd me, asking if I was around. Dude, I thought he was going to pass by, but no he is not that crazy. He called and was like hey dude, its been awhile. Surprisingly, I was more cordial than I'd planned, but I was also shocked that he called. The kid doesn't cease to amaze me. I was hoping he would mention his girl, b/c I asked if he was going out on the 29th for Fiance's bday. He said yea, he was talking with Cousin about the plan to get him down there. mention of her. So I guess I'll just see what happens on the 29th. After approximately 5 minutes, I was kind of done with the whole conversation, so I was l ike sooooooo see ya next week, lata!!

I told J9 about the 29th, so hopefully, she'll come with me!! Need some support! LOL

Ciao fuckers.

21 Questions

Up early this morning, per the usual Frrrriday blahhhhhh...

Emailed C, another usual. He told me that chicks from his department inquired this morning if I was his ex or if we were dating. Now, see, I got alotttt of looks last night from one or two chicks. I let it slide - no biggie. I must admit, I looked rather smashing (that's huge coming from me, b/c I always say I look average) - so I'm thinking, ok, either they're bi (which is fiiine by me) or they're just curious about who I am. Listen sweetie, step up and introduce yourself if you want to know something about me. Don't ask questions the day after. Come on. Be an adult.

This is why I am a bit leery about being the only girl hanging with a bunch of dudes I've only known for a short while. Just have to always be on my guard...


Thursday, July 21, 2005

Aww hell...once again

Mmmkay. So I went out tonight in WP. Met up with C and his coworkers (McMarried was NOT in attendance)...hung out at Vintage for awhile and headed over to Black Bear around 9ish. Got to Black Bear and I had another beer. I was driving so I cut it off at 4 total. C gets a phone call and the caller ID (he showed it to me) said "JK"...a.k.a. McMarried. He goes "He never calls me" he's like "Pick it up...", so I do (loving it) but I couldn't hear him, so I passed the phone to C. He talked for a minute or two and says to McMarried "Someone wants to talk to you"...So I get on the phone and of course, he's like "Hi, Yazmeennnnnnn"...and I'm like "Hi..." we talked for a little while. Says he's on off from work until the middle of next week. Blah blah, we talk some more and I say goodbye.

Ooh. Damn. I want to be bad but I don't think I have it in me. Dirty work, dirty work.


Quickie (lol, Zing)

Ok, so I gotta run out, yet again, I just got home from upstate...

More bad news: crush from the last post is seeing someone. So what's all the flirting about? Ugh. OHHHHHHHHH Scott, he looked away...I saw it! But whatevssss...moving right along.

Running out to buy something to wear this evening. I hang out with these people in WP so much that they've seen my whole wardrobe!!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Boys in tight pants, anyone?

Sooo...did Pilates with SNeighbor and then we got salads down the block. We headed off to White Plains to watch the company softball game.

Got there and lo and behold, the other team forfeited, due to lack of players. So the guys just practiced and we watched. This dude that I have been crushing on - hard - was showing off all crazy b/c I was there. Well, that's SNeighbor's point of view, anyway. Then after they were done we all went over to the parking lot and were bullshitting.

Hot guy, JB, took his swwweeettt time at his truck, looking over at us every now and then. He took an abnormally long time at his trunk, taking off his sneakers, walking to the front of the car, putting his sneakers back on, all the while, sneaking looks at me. I know, because I was checking him out. He is soooooo my type, dude. Then he got into his car, backed out, honked at us and leaned over and waved to us. He looked at me, waved again and stared. I just waved back like the freakin' girly retard that I am. Hopefully, there will be more to tell with this one.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Ciao bitches.

When opportunity knocks...

...sometimes you shouldn't answer.

C told me that they're playing softball tomorrow after all - I don't think McMarried will be there, but he might be. But I'm stiiiiilll going up to visit my parents, so I'm not going to the game.

Not necessarily trying to avoid him, but I'm just going to lay low, at least this week. I mean, he is probably not even stressing it anymore - probably filed it away in the "fuck ups" folder and locked it away. No problem there!

Meeting C out on Thursday night for drinks after he gets out of work. I doubt McMarried will be there, so I should be safe...hopefully.

Minnie, OUT!


Ciao fuckers.

Ok, ok... I finally told SNeighbor what happened with McMarried. I feel good.

And I've decided that I'm not going to think about it anymore - not going to talk to him about it when I see him, none of that. Baddy baddy no no that I don't need to be involved with.

I was just craving attention and affection and he gave that to me, for however brief a period. I'm done. Stick a fork in it damnit!

Ok, gotta get back to my laundry and other domestic diva duties.

Ciao fuckers.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Another quote from a movie starring Ed Norton lol

"I trust everyone. It's the devil inside them I don't trust. "
~Charlize Theron as Stella Bridger in The Italian Job

I love Fight Club

Narrator: You're fucking Marla, Tyler.
Tyler Durden: Uh, technically, you're fucking Marla, but it's all the same to her.



"Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying,
Are we demented? Or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure"
Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day

I live in that space.


Sage advice

So I've been turning to Scott for advice about this man situation. I mean, he has the inside scoop on the male species, so ya know, I trust him. Zing has been kicking me in the ass as well. I'm getting it from all sides and I really have to start realizing I'm worth more than just a piece of ass to a married guy (or any guy, for that matter). More on this to come, I'm sure.

As my wise friend WickedMan also said, he's better at giving advice to others, I guess more so than he is taking it himself. I suffer from the same affliction - being able to act as Dear Abby, but writing myself fucking letters when it comes to my own issues. Why can't we all just take our own advice? I suppose the world would be a less fucked up long as the advice is good. But then you'd have crazy people giving themselves advice like, Yea go jump off that cliff, you fuckin' lemming, and then like 100 crazy people just committed mass suicide. That would be fucked up, so maybe my logic makes no sense for the insane...I digress.

Luckily, I'm sane (for the most part), but I still can't take my own advice. I don't mind turning to those most wise individuals to help me out. I talk alot of shit, but I know that I'm so jaded emotionally that this man thing (McMarried, being single and striking out left and right, etc.) isn't going to get me down.

And at the end of the day, I wonder if anything will be able to penetrate (hey!!) my black heart..."All the love gone bad turned my world to black"...I wasn't kidding.

Ciao fuckers!!!!!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

"I just wanna believe"...

Zing, Brand New has a damn song for every conceivable event, don't they?

"Coordinate brain and mouth
Then ask me 'what's it like
To have myself so figured out'
I wish i knew..."
Okay, I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't - Brand New

Wish I knew man...flip flopping back and forth between right and wrong...assertion and inaction...coming and going...dang.


New Nicknames

JAG is Zing (b/c that's the sound I hear as she hustles to and fro). I am Minnie (that's Zing's name for me...short for Skinny Minnie lol).

I like it. ;-)

From 60 to 0 in 2.2 seconds

Its interesting - the things that make me pause.

I tend to move at lightning speed all the time, like I'm a freakin' Energizer Bunny on crack...

Sometimes I need to stop and relax. Take a look around. Ask some questions. Reveal some information.

So last night, as I was outside of T's house with Heid, one of my beautiful friends, smoking a cigarette, we got to chatting about having feelings for unattainable people. Now granted, Heid was a bit sloshed, and I was a tad tipsy, so I highly doubt any of this would have come out had we been sober. She had been dating a fireman and she said he was really flaky. So she thought maybe he had a girlfriend on the sneak or something, or maybe he was married. I said, yea a friend of mine is dealing with a married man (as a matter of fact, 2 of my friends are) and she revealed that she once did as well and regretted it because she fell hard for him. She knew, at that point, that she had to pull away from him and she did.

I shared with her what happened with McMarried and I. All we did was kiss. We were both a little tipsy, I walked him to his car. I wasn't going to do it man, I promise, but he just looked so good. He was leaning back against his car, legs open just enough for mine to fit between, hands in his pockets. He tooks his hands out and pulled me to him...close...then we kissed. It was great. He said he felt guilty and I pulled away and put my hands up (in a defensive gesture) and told him that I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to do. He held my hands and said that he wanted to, but just felt guilty. Then he kissed me again. I ran my hands over his face and hair and just kissed him. He commented that my kissing is suggestive. I pulled away again and told him that nothing further had to happen. He looked sad. I told him that it would probably be a good idea if he left and he agreed, so he did.

According to C, we were gone for awhile and later on he asked me if I hooked up with McMarried. I said no. He asked me again the next day, and I said no again. He said he was just suspicious because we were gone for so long the first time we went out to the car together. I forgot to mention that before we started playing pool, he said he had to put money in the meter and I offered to go with him. He totally made a play for me, not vice versa, but I said it didn't look good that we were gone for so long and we went back. That's the time C was referring to, not when I walked him to his car. Whew, sorry guys, hope I didn't confuse ya. C doesn't need to know anything because even though they are mad cool, McMarried is his boss. And SNeighbor doesn't need to know either, since she works with those guys. So really, I'm not telling anybody that is even remotely related to White Plains, lol.

I guess I am stressing this situation because, yet again, I opened my mouth to my girlfriends, telling them that they should be wary of dealing with married men because its wrong. And here, uh huh, I went and did the same. I am a hypocrite. I haven't really been a hypocrite in a long freakin' time man. And its fucking with me. I know that I am going to see him again, probably on a weekly basis, at least for the summer, until the softball games end. He doesn't have my number and I don't have his, but that could change at any time, meaning that our interactions don't necessarily have to be limited to hanging in the bar(s) after the games.

I can't promise myself that I won't say anything to him about any of this, but I do want to put it out there that its fucking with me, obviously not as much as its fucking with him, but still - it kills.

I am not falling for this guy, I mean, he is so fuckin' smokin' hot and his personality is awesome, but deep down I know that the real cheating is emotional attachment, not sex. Well, to me anyway. But kissing is so...passionate. I don't go around kissing people at random because to me, its way more intimate than sex. I don't knock those that do, but its different for me. He is right, my kissing is suggestive, but only because its passionate and real.

Fuck, dudes, I don't know what I'm going to do. I will not openly pursue this, but I also won't turn it down if he does. I know why he is in to me, he told me. He thinks I am beautiful, smart and he likes my personality. I cursed him out in the first 30 seconds we hung out. *Sidebar: why are men so into that? Damn. I use that as a defense mechanism so that peope don't think they can walk all over me, and what do they do? They love it. Grr...* Back to the point - he told me that up until he was 19, he was a fat kid, probably never got this much attention from women. Fuck man. I want to get him in the sack, bottom line lol. I can't even deny this. The more I think about it, the more I want it. But, I won't go after it. Fuck that.

I am currently putting on my fire retardant suit, getting ready to step into hell. Angry emails, here they come.

Ciao fuckers.

Oh fudgesticks

Sooooo...I asked Cousin last night if she has met J's girlfriend yet and she said no...actually, she said not yet, but she will on the 29th! Ah, its as I feared...he IS going to introduce her to EVERYONE. This must be serious. Yuck. This means that I have to look extra good that day. What to wear?? Dunno. Gotta get ready at work, damnit. Pissed about that, but I'm not gonna go all the way home to come all the way back down.

Cousin said it shouldn't matter, and it shouldn't, but it kind of does. When you envision yourself with someone, purely b/c that person is great and you share good times together, it blows to see that someone with...another girl. So, gotta put blinders on. I will be the sweetest girl his girlfriend ever met, and not b/c I'm fake, but b/c that girl didn't do a damn thing to me. That's the mistake that most women make - blaming the other female. Bad move.

Besides, why should I care? Its not my boyfriend that has a small penis.

Low blow, low blow.

Ciao fuckers.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Parallel universe

I am forever amazed at how the Internet is like, this parallel universe. I don't know anyone that doesn't have email and when your 57 yr old Mom carefully selects her AIM expressions...well, its just out of control.

I arrived home from work a little while ago. I left early b/c I don't feel well and that place is worse than a fuckin' petri dish, containing and multiplying the germs. So I bounced and came home. While waiting to hear from my Cousin, I've been reading random blogs. Got deep into Wicked Man - he's been through some shiiiiit. Rock on, gorgeous.

Anyway, so I'm amazed at how people forge long-distance friendships, meet significant others, communicate in an abbr. manner that evry1 undrstnds. LOL. Its crazy to me.

Its gotten to the point that I bring my lap top EVERYWHERE while I am home. I do dishes? My laptop is within reaching distance but far enough away to not get wet. In the shower? Laptop resting, ever so lovingly on the sink. Smoking a cigarette on the porch? Laptop propped on my lap. Its insane.

I don't know why though...I mean, I manage to accomplish all I've set out to do on any given day, so its not preventing me from being productive. But dang! I am an Internet addict.

Ha. Where was the Internet when I was born? 1980...hmmm...slow ass, encrypted emails being sent in micro-pieces over phone lines from one university computer to another...yes, I do know that for a fact...I guess that Computers and Culture class I dropped wasn't a complete waste.

Ciao fuckers.

Almost forgot

You guys get so much of my time. Two things:

Thing 1:
I TMd D this morning and actually got a response. Go me. I just asked if we're not friends anymore (being that I haven't really heard from him in awhile). He told me not to be that way and invited me over to his bar, said he would hook me up. I just replied that he needn't do that, just told him not to be a stranger and asked how he's been. I'm interested to hear what he's got to say for himself. Anyhoo - I'll keep you abreast as details emerge (yes, I said 'breast' - HOT!).

Thing 2:
Cousin is throwing a b-day party for her Fiance @ Latitude on July 29th. Fun stuff, considering its within walking distance from my job (not that I'll be walking, lol) so I'm going to head over as soon as I get out of work. The drawback to this whole thing is obvious: um, J will be there b/c he is the one who is going to convince Fiance to go out for drinks in the city (err...its a surprise, yea)...I think my Cousin is going to head down with them. Now I wonder: will it be a double date kind of thing? Hmm...good question. I don't know if anyone has met this girl, her fuckin' name is Lisa, ok? So I don't know if anyone has met her yet, but this might be either a.) a very good time to introduce her b/c all the boys will be there or b.) a very bad time b/c it might be overwhelming for the girl to meet everyone at once. I personally don't mind meeting her. As I stated previously, she is cute. I don't mind meeting cute girls, being half gay and all, but it would be some funny shit if he did bring her. Everyone knows that we used to date, as my Cousin made it a point to always tell people lol. For once, no one knew b/c of my big boca. Anyhoo-so it will be a very interesting evening. Perhaps Jess will make it? Yo no se.

I have to act like nothing happened, but its hard to do that when ya really cared about someone. Ahhh...I thank goodness that I have great friends (new and old) and something to constantly keep me busy man. I can't keep re-running the entire few months that we were dating and the amazing times we had together. Right. Must keep trudging forward, blindly bumping into married men and random ass all over the place. Fuck. I'm not even getting that, but whatevss man.

Anyway, I think it will just be a really funny situation for me. I can IGNORE but I cannot pretend. Ok, I have to learn, I guess. Maybe I can call that escort service I'm always joking about calling for the wedding. Yes, hi, can you please provide me with the most handsome and chisled man for an evening of drinks and socializing? What's that you say? $300 an hour? I'll take him. But only if he puts out at the end of the night.


Ciao bitches.

Sushi...yummy...still sickypoo

Fuck it all.

I ate sushi, even though I promised myself I would fast (read: have a freakin' eating disorder) for a little while until I lose this weight. I am still a size 4, can't complain, but my belly got a little bigger since I've been hanging out and drinking (and ignoring my gym membership).

I am sick as a dog. This fuckin' Theraflu bullshit is a damn sham man. I still feel like crap and its damn near 3 hours later. WTF??

Been reading random blogs and I must say, I really must put my daily antics into perspective. I like posting - its like my therapy. But not if I don't have something good to say. So today, I say:

Damn man. Men suck. I am lonely. Been thinking about Mr. Unattainable -- just his face...and his kiss. Ok. Damn.

Need some affection! Ok bad post, but I don't want to erase it. Sorry. I think this Theraflu is making me woozy. Gonna take me a nap.

Oh, but before I go, read this...awesome song (I don't have the balls, but I think about it often):

Razor, Foo Fighters
Wake up its time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know i need to know tonight
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine
Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope i get the chance to say goodbye
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Day after day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway
Wake up its time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know i need to know tonight
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Ciao bitches.


So. I am at work, procrastinating. I've got so much to do, but I am drinking Theraflu (sore throat), so I'll post whilst I wait for this shit to kick in.

I'm giving alot of thought to the project that Jess and I are going to undertake. Its going to be a very arduous process, lots of sweat and cramped fingers, but in the end, it'll be worth it. That's all I'm saying lol.

As far as all the other stuff, I'll be honest with you. I can't stop wondering what it would be like, and I'm not going to pursue anything. I will just wonder - and see if he wants to take it a step further. I already got fitted for my fire retardant suit, fuckers, so you don't have to remind me that I'm going to hell. Got it covered. I already know.

Shit. Fuck it man. "What a dizzy dance..."...more material, Jess.

Mkay - gonna work a little on our PROJECT then do some work work.

Ciao fuckers

Are you listening?

"So tell me what do I need
When the words
Lose their meaning
I was spinning free
With a little sweet
And simple numbing me
Yeah, stumble until you crawl
Sinking into sweet uncertainty"
- Sweetness, Jimmy Eat World

Yup - that's me today...for awhile actually...just spinning free. Fuck it.

Getting ready for work. Look at the time, dudes. Didn't go to bed until well after 2am. I am so tired. Leaving work around 8, 8:30 to head up to my friend T's house - it was her b-day this week and Cousin and all the girls will be there for the little par-tay. Then I'm coming home, dude. And I'm picking up a bottle of Tylenol P.M. on my way man. I can't keep running on empty like this.

Ciao fuckers.

Friday, July 15, 2005

The bottom line

Look at the time. I am still awake. I am such an insomniac.

So I got to thinking:
Sometimes, the bottom line is that you have to do what makes YOU happy. The common good is not something that I have time to think about ALL the time. Occasionally, the body wins out over the mind and pieces of paper are pieces of paper. Ahhh. Yes, I know, its fucked up because I'm sure you loyal readers know where I'm going with this. Yes, Jess has kicked my ass about this and I know I'll get some angry emails or whatever, but listen: dude man. Can't help myself! Laugh now, cry lata. Its the story of my life.

I wonder if he has a twin brother. That would be awesome. Smokin' fuckin' hot. Ahhh. I know, I know, I'm buggin'. Don't even know if I'm going to see him next week after the game...if I even go to the game...or if I even meet everyone out after the game. The game, games, oh I'm delirious at this point. Lackin' sleep. Lackin' common sense. Woe is me.

Ciao fuckers.

Bring on the madness...

DISCLAIMER: I know I said I wasn't going to post any more day to day nonsense and I would try to be a bit more thoughtful - and I will...but please read about the event(s) below and you'll understand why I had to post all this...OK???!??!

So, went out last night with ARoomie and his 2 buddies. One came up from the Shore and the other from CT, by way of Missouri or some such place like that. Mucho fun in White Plains. I paid for one drink - for my roommate. His 2 buddies paid for everything else, and whilst I scoffed at that for about 30 seconds, I quickly reminded myself that I am broke as a joke (my paycheck still hasn't posted to my account) and I shut the fuck up and drank by Redbull and Vodkas, courtesy of A's boys.

The guys were both very nice and were hitting on me something awful. Alllllll the really pretty girls in White Plains, and you're hitting on me? Please, I wasn't having it. So I tried to hook them up with random chicks at all 3 bars and they pretty much tried to take it from there.

One dude, Lou, was veryyyyyy into me, and I don't know why! He got to our house around 4:30 and I was laying on the couch, watching a Pearl Jam DVD, wearing jeans and a ratty gym tee. Hair a mess, no makeup on. He could not stop staring at me.

Anyhoo - so as the night wore on, he was really trying to hook up! He overheard me tell the other friend that I am not into guys with big muscles and even bigger egos...Lou then told me that he was offended by that. I was like dude, I like what I like and you're not my type. End of story. But he was VERY persistent, and I'm like dude, give it a rest for real. So, more than once, he was like, so really, we're not hooking up? And EVERY time, I said then he would say, then I'm gonna go talk to other girls, ok? And I just gave him the "I-don't-give-a-rat's-hairy-ass" look and kept on drinking. Whatevsss dude. Don't try to get laid b/c you're staying at my house...with my roommate! Are you serious? Is this what I have to look forward to now that I have a male roommate?

My point is this: Why can't men just have a good time with their boys without constantly trying to hook up? Why do they always need another number to add to their little black books? Give me a break. I don't try to hook up with anyone, anytime I go out. If I meet a dude, I meet a dude and that's it. But its not like I'm taking him home, or even expecting more than just a friend. Men don't know how to just be low-key. They always want to be extra. If you don't fuck with them, they get mad and try to hit on the broad next to you. Why can't they just be normal, man? WTF? Why is shit soooooo complicated? Something to add to the top secret project, huh Jess?

5 hours of sleep + 8.5 hours of a hellish workday = very tired Yaz.

Ciao fuckers.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Been thinkin'...

...ok I've got some time to write, so here goes:

So as I have been running around this house, trying to get it in order so that my new roommate's friends don't think we're complete oinks, I've been fighting the urge to think about McMarried.

What the fuck is my problem? I have spent my entire life thinking about everyone's needs and wants and ignoring my own. Not to say that I haven't indulged in uh, certain activities, but I guess when its all said and done, I've said and done more for others than for myself. I am certainly going to have my mean girls card revoked. Sad about that. Anyhoo - so what the fuck is up with me? Why am I going fuckin' soft, being all nice to people and shit? I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST MY FUCKIN' MOJO, and along with that, I've lost my mind as well. I hope to find both relatively quickly, as I cannot function on a coherent level without them.

See, its not McMarried that is the problem. He is but a small brushstroke in a much larger painting. It is what he represents in that painting, though, that makes me think about all this shit. Not that I did a baddy baddy no no...well, not a big one, anyway...but I suppose I should just say that I put myself in a situation that I should not have been in, but didn't want to get out of. Again, nothing major, but I talk alllllll this shit about morals and shit like that, and then, poof, where are they now? Ahhh...I see it from both sides, the good and the bad. And from his POV and mine. So again, I ask, what the fuck is my problem? Ok, ok. Damn. I spend too much of my life analyzing it instead of living it. I need to be in the now and not worry about what tomorrow will be like. I already know this, believe me. But I can't sometimes. I have issues. I need help. FUCK! Damnit.

Fuckin' shit.

p.s. Scott, per your advice, I looked around but it was freakin' McMarried that I saw - he didn't look away though...he looked right at me, not away. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?? U da man.

Ciao for now

Random pic of me!

I took this a couple of days ago with my camera phone...quality is crrrrappy. But my profile pic is super old, so I thought I'd share what I look like now.
Scott is my inspiration!! hee hee ... blech. I am so down on myself about the way I look. It has to get easier to accept that this is me and I have to live with it. Ahhh...boooooo. Low self esteem sucks ass.

Ciao fuckers.

OMG. Who am I?

So ARoommate and I went up to WP to watch some of the other dudes from S's job play softball. We met them @ Black Bear for some drinks and yes, Hottie McMarried was there. He came over and said hi and I was like what's up. We all went over to the field. Roomie and I bought a 6-pack and watched the game. They suck lol.

Went back to Black Bear and McMarried was showing me alot of attention. That's all I'm saying.

But really, who am I? Why do I put these fuckin' limits on myself? And since when do I have a conscience? Why? WTF man. Life is too damn short. So I either have to suck it up and not judge, because here I go again, doing shit that I "frown upon", or frown upon it and miss out on the fun. Damnit. I have no clue. And I am such a secretive little fucker. I'm not telling anyone shit, least of all you!! Heehee, just kidding. I won't bore anyone with the mundane details anymore, I promise. I'll try to make these posts more thoughtful...and I should b/c I've got alot of shit to say.

Ciao bitches.