Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Monday, June 27, 2005

Damn

So I found out tonight that J has a girlfriend. Yup, the same girl I saw him at the bar with. Why did he feel the need to tell me this? I don't know, but he did.

He invited me out with him and his co-workers tonight b/c I TM'd him and told him if he was bored after class, to give me a call because I didn't have anything to do. So after a few TMs back and forth, he called me after he got out of class to give me directions to the bar. Then he said he had to talk to me. After pissing me off by beating around the bush about it and telling me "Oh, well it's not bad, it's interesting, well, you won't be mad, well, maybe...but no, its not bad"...I yelled at him and told him to get to it and well, he did. After he said it, I was like "Uh, well, if I decide to go out I'll call you", I said goodbye and hung up. WTF??? I called Cousin and she didn't know he had a girl, neither did her fiance, who is his best friend. So this must have JUST happened.

See, I'm not mad about it - I'm disappointed. You know what? I AM mad, b/c he told me, for the entire time we were seeing each other, that he didn't have the time to put 100% into a relationship, which is why he didn't want anything serious. No, no, you just didn't want anything serious with ME. I'm cool with that, but keep it real.

Its a fuckin' slap in the face to hear that he has a girl now, when he lied all that time about not wanting one. I'm pissed at that. So he fucked up again.

Fool me once, shame on you...but fool me twice? Nah motherfucker, no shame on me. I'm good. Thanks. So he made a frantic phone call to Cousin's fiance - probably trying to do damage control. But, too late, damage done, ya lost a friend.

Why does this shit keep happening to me?

Ciao fuckers, I'm gonna get drunk alone.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Stalker status

So if you read below, I have another crush...on another analyst, whose VP just so happens to be a buddy of mine (see below, again). I am bored at work so I stalked his ass on the internet lol. I already knew where he went to school (since we handle these facebook thingies when people get hired into the bank - has headshots, interests, school info - yadda yadda)...so I looked up his school, searched for his name and got all types of other shit on him lol. VERY ambitious young man! Unfortunately for him, he is younger than I...but he flirts, so ya know, I'm responsive to that! I won't say which one he is, but his picture is here in this newsletter. Keep in mind the name of the investment bank I work for...and the word ambitious...oh, he is the cutest one there, you'll know who he is off the bat!...try looking on or after page 16 (the pagination on the actual newsletter)...lol dead giveaway.

Lol...gonna put away my stalking goggles now and go grab a smoke...he's here today, maybe I'll see him...

Ciao beetches

Job hunting...

...sucks. But, I am grateful for the fact that I DO have a job. I hate it though!! I am so bored and I'm also so tired of griping about it. I am tired of not just taking a chance on something new...going balls to the wall and jumping into something different...but! What job do you know that pays $60k+ to someone without a college degree? How can I leave that money? Fuck shopping and going out and all that. I am talking about security - I have rent to pay, stacks of bills, school, a car note, insurance yadda yadda -- things I've accumulated since I got this gig 5 years ago. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I've got to do something soon before I lose it.

It's not the hours - I mean, I wouldn't be working weekends if I wasn't in school. I also wouldn't still be here if it wasn't that I was in school. It's restricting when I can work and where. But I can't NOT go to school. It must be done.

I guess I'm at a crossroad in my life: which way do I go? I have so much anxiety about it, its stifling really. I look at some people that I know, who are older than me, making shit money. I look at the people that work for me, older people, making less money than I do. I know I'm lucky and I shouldn't be complaining. But I am tired of being complacent.

Baby steps, as J would say. But he goes balls to the wall and deals with the consequences later. He also doesn't have rent to pay, so I guess going balls out isn't an option for me. I am making progress in my life - losing weight, working out, looking good, learning new things - but I need to do something for my freakin' sanity!...SOON!

Ciao for now you fuckers.

More...

Last Cigarette: Um, about 2 hours ago
Last Kiss: One that was meaningful or in the throes of sex? Uh – meaningful: its been a couple of months. In the throes of sex: a couple of weeks
Last Cry: A couple of weeks ago
Last Library Book Checked out: I don’t own a library card
Last Movie Seen In a Theater and with whom: Ring 2 with "J"
Last Book Read: A crime drama with a title I can’t recall
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Fuck
Last Beverage Drank: Water
Last Food Consumed: Honey Bunches of Oats
Last thing Watched: Porn
Last Time Showered: This morning
Last Shoes Worn: Gold Gap flip flops courtesy of Keka
Last CD Played: One that I burned
Last Soda Drank: Don’t drink soda
Last Thing Written: “don’t drink soda”
Last Words Spoken: Conversation with my Kek
Last Time Wanting to die: More recently than one would imagine!
Last Crush: I’ve got lots of crushes!
Last Annoyance: I’m annoyed fairly often
Last Disappointment: Its man related. I’ll leave it at that

Piercings: two in each ear, one in my navel and one in my tongue
Tattoos: seven
Height: 5’3”
Shoe size: 7.5
Hair color: reddish brown with some unfortunate blonde streaks
Eye color: brown
Siblings: tone
Last cd you bought: um….
Last person you've called: Keka
Last person that's called you: Keka

DO
You have a crush on someone: Yea…;-(
You wish you could live somewhere else: Doesn’t everyone?
You think about suicide: Not seriously
You believe in online dating: nope! Been there, done that, don’t know why I bothered
Others find you attractive: Yea but no one that I like finds me attractive
You want more piercings: nah
You drink: not nearly as often as I’d like
You do drugs: On occasion
You like cleaning: No – but Kek thinks I do lol
You like roller coasters: Love ‘em
You write in cursive or print : Um, how is this relevant?? I type. Lol

FOR OR AGAINST
Long distance relationships: Against – too hard
Using someone: Against
Suicide: Against.
Killing people: Against
Teenage smoking: Against!!
Doing drugs: For
Driving drunk: Against, but I do it sometimes
Soap operas: Against!

FAVORITE
Thing to do: Shop, hang with my girls, have sex. Not necessarily in that order lol
Thing to talk about: Nothing and everything except Michael Jackson, politics or religion
Drinks: Amstel Light, Red Bull and Vodka
Clothes: Whatever fits and looks good on me
Movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Scarface, Fight Club, the Goonies
Holiday: My birthday

HAVE YOU
Ever cried over a girl: Uh…no
Ever cried over a boy: Unfortunately, I’m sure I have at some point
Ever lied to someone: Yea
Ever been arrested: Nope…but that’s not to say I shouldn’t be!!

WHAT
Shampoo do you use: Herbal Essence
Shoes do you wear: Um. The ones I buy?
What are you scared of: Failure, being alone

NUMBER
of times you have had your heart broken: 1…when someone I loved went to the Marines
of hearts you have broken: Um…2, if I count the number of men that cried for me
of girls you have kissed: uhhhh…4 or 5
of boys you have kissed: too many to count
of drugs taken illegally: 2
of people you would classify as true, could trust with your life type friends? 2
of people you consider your enemies: wha? Frienemies?
of times your name has appeared in the newspaper: 0
of scars on your body: a few – they build character
of bones you've broken? 0
of things in your past that you regret? 1…I might be happier today if it wasn’t for that

Fun questionnaire

What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Take and leak and then make coffee
What was the first pop concert you went to? Lol...NKOTB
What was the worst thing that you did as a child? Um...I was the perfect angel!
What is your favorite song? There are way too many to name - don't have just one fave.
What is your most treasured material possession? I don't treasure material things
What is the best advice that you've ever received? I'm better at curing my own problems
What do you think of Bob Dylan? I don't think about him. LOL
When did you last cry, and why? Had a breakdown a couple of weeks ago about the direction in which my love life is going. I quickly got over it
What characteristics do you think you've inherited from your parents? I inherited creativity from my Dad and punctuality from my Mom
Are you afraid of failure? Extremely
What are you like when you're drunk? Funny, flirtatious, witty, obnoxious
Which actor/actress would you have play yourself in a film? I can't think of any really good Puerto Rican American actresses, so I'd play my damn self
Pick five words that describe you.... Ambitious, intelligent, sarcastic, passionate, sexual
Is there one piece of criticism that sticks in your mind? Yea, when my ex-asshole used to tell me to lose weight. I carry that as motivation everyday
Do you believe in God? Fuck no
What is your most unpleasant characteristic? Um, my biting sarcasm, but I suppose its only unpleasant to those on the receiving end, in which case, I don't give a damn
What is your greatest fear? To always be the bridesmaid and never the bride / To not succeed in life
What ambitions do you still have to fulfil? Plenty. Top 3: Graduate college, find true love, have a career that I enjoy
What do you never leave home without? My purse bitch
Who is your best male friend and your best female friend? Best male friend: Timbo but we haven't talked in awhile. Best female friend: Keka
Who would you most like to meet? My future husband
What music would you like to have played at your funeral? Coldplay
When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Most recently, yea
What is your favorite film, and why? Top 3: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (great premise), Scarface (classic) and Fight Club (amazing)
If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Invest some, donate some, pay off the debt of all my family members and best friends, pay off my own damn debt and flip the rest somehow
What first attracts you to a person of the opposite sex? His intelligence and ambition. I don't care if he makes good money b/c material things are shallow

What was your favorite subject at school? Uh. English
If you could spend the night with anyone in the world, who would you choose and why? Damn. This is a tough one. Realistically, J because he is a ridiculously passionate person and we get along really well...we've spent some 'sleeping hours' together, but never a full, cuddly night. Unrealistically - Vin Diesel
What is the most embarassing thing you've ever done? Drunk or sober?
Do you have anything to declare? I'm anti- everything that everyone else is pro-. Deal with it

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Barefoot and ... naked?

I had a very interesting, hour-long conversation with one of the bank's VPs this afternoon. In case you don't know, Vice Presidents here at good ole' BAS make tons of money and are pretty high up there on the corporate totem pole...but this particular VP is a really funny and down to earth guy who doesn't take himself as seriously as most of the investment bankers in this place.

I mosied on past the conference room with my cereal around noon and he asked me to come in and keep him company. So, as I ate my cereal, we talked about the gym and running (he'd just come back from a race) and other stuff. I sat down and we put our feet up on the big mahogany table and lounged in comfortable leather chairs - we shot the shit.

He asked who I thought was cute from his group...well his peons basically. I told him to name some of his analysts b/c I didn't know who was in what group off the top of my head. He starts running off a list of names. Just so happens that I am just about in love with one of his analysts. He is sooooo cute and I told him so. Fuck it. Then he started talking about how besides me, there are no good looking women in my department. I was like, well I don't do the hiring, so I can't help you there. Lol. He laughed as well. He is a horn dog and completely inappropriate - but a really funny dude.

He explained his rationale when it comes to women, broke down the kind of women he would just want to bang, their qualities and then the women he'd marry and why. It was really interesting to talk to this man - a 34 yr-old, very successful and smart man. Not my type of course, but he is so funny!

I explained my rationale when it comes to men - the very obviously gorgeous men intimidate me and strike me speechless...the witty, unattractive ones are more my speed, as far as interaction goes. I guess I don't think I am pretty enough or "hot" enough to talk to these kinds of guys.

He says that most men feel the same way towards "hot" women, but others have enough charisma to fill a room and can talk to anybody. Weird how that happens.

He also said that I am not like alot of women that he knows. He doesn't know me very well, but he could see how I was just by our small interactions. He said I'm not normal. Lol. Well, no surprise there!

We bid farewell and I went back to my desk, thinking. I am barefoot at the moment. I wish I could be naked lol. Not in the sexual sense, but just free. I told VP that I am such a free spirit - I can't imagine being tied down right now - so I can relate to his bang / marry theory. There are certain people who'd be good for the bang, but notfor the commitment. I am so not ready to relinquish my freedom!! I want to run around barefoot and experience as much as possible before I commit to that shoe. Or I could just say that men are LIKE shoes - they look good and are nice to collect, but at the end of the day, you can't wait to take them off!! Ugh...can't imagine keeping on the same pair of shoes...everyday...for all eternity. Lol...now if they're a comfy pair of sneakers...I might change my mind...

LOL. Ciao bitches

Never a dull moment...

So J9 calls me last night while the car service was driving me uptown and she convinced my broke ass to go out. Of course, she said she'd pay for my drinks, plus her brothers were out, so I never pay for anything anyway. I agreed and met her at this bar her Dad goes to. We go see her honey right quick and then we went back over to the bar. She gets on the phone with her old partner, who was having man drama, and one of her bros and I were standing outside together. This drunk old man truly whipped out his weiner and pissed on J9's bumper. Who the fuck does that, drunk or not? Meanwhile, he came out of one of the bars and um, last time I checked, bars have bathrooms. So J9 starts yelling at him, I start yelling, her bro, B, waits until he zips up and starts cussing him out. Then their Dad came outside and they started scrapping! Two old men throwing down. It was pretty funny. The old dude was so drunk though, so he didn't defend himself too well, and their Dad felt sorry for him and pushed him on his merry, drunken way. Lol!!!

After all that, we had a drink @ the Clubhouse and then went over to Pauline's for a few more. I didn't go to sleep until about 3 am and I was rudely awakened by lawnmowers in the backyard. Nice. So then I just said fuck it - showered, got dressed and drove to the Metro North. And I'll be here at work until 10 pm so that I get the car service. Woo hoo.

Dang! One cup of coffee and a Red Bull and I'm still tired!!!!!!!!! But I look good though. Lol! I am shrinking, so my damn clothes don't fit me anymore, but hey I ain't complaining. ;-)

Ciao for now fuckers

Friday, June 24, 2005

Work blows a big one - and other stuff...

Ugh...work sucks. I am still here...been here since 1:30 pm. Goshdarnit, I need to go! I'm waiting until 10 pm though because I'll get a car home...well a car to my car, but whatevsss.

SO much creative work in house tonight that needs my approval and then other stuff that needs to be sent to one of the bank VPs for approval - blah blah, that's why I'm still here.

I am so tired of this place, the bankers, the fuckin' nimrods that work for me, the politics...OH THE POLITICS. Let me tell you! This dumb cocksucker motherfucker that used to be my interim supervisor on the weekends (before I got promoted) - oh yea, dumb fuck didn't want to be supervisor anymore b/c getting on salary meant that he couldn't do anymore overtime, the greedy fucker - anyway, so I took his position. That motherfucker wrote an email to MY boss, talking shit about all us supervisors. He said that I punch in and then leave for 8 hours then come back and punch back in. Never in my life has anyone accused me of something so ridiculous...scathing and inflammatory! One of the other supes, who is my buddy, told me about this. He is our boss' right hand man and she gave him the scoop. I am not supposed to let on that I know, so I'm gonna keep my mouth shut, but that little fucker is DAMN lucky that I don't see his ass b/c I SWEAR I would cuss him the hell out. He works 3rd shift Mon-Thur, so I NEVER see him. Oooh he is so lucky. The fucking nerve. That's why his no life having ass is gonna get written the fuck up and fired. AND I gave that motherfucker overtime! DANG! See how the nice people get screwed? Yea, well karma's a bitch and so am I.

Next...R is trying to see me. Um, I had to shut that down. Hygiene...is important. That's all I'm saying.

As far as J is concerned, I'm not calling him or TMing him anytime soon. He is going to be super busy the next couple of weeks and I probably won't see him until July 4th...at Cousin's fiance's BBQ...I have to work that day, but I'm going to try to get out around 3:30 pm...probably won't freakin' happen and I'll end up leaving at 4 pm, but whatevsss...they know I'm going to be late! I am going to look DAMN good that day too b/c Cousin's fiance has so many cute friends lol. All my girls will be there so I'm super excited about it.

Anyhoo--that's all for now. My name is being bandied about, so something important must be going on lol.

Ciao beetchezzzz

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Questions...

So Cousin asked if I went home alone last night lol. Yes the fuck I did!!! ;-)

I was a good girl. Now I won't say that I didn't want him to come in with me...but I wasn't going to ask and probably would've said no if he suggested it.

I don't know where his head is at. I know he cares for me, but I can't assume that anything will ever come of our friendship.

And R news: there is none lol. I sent him an email on Monday while we were at work and I just apologized if it seems as though I've been distant...having alot of anxiety and can't be bothered with anyone. Honestly, I'm not sorry about it, but I didn't want to blow him off without an explanation lol. I am just not digging him anymore, to be frank, and I don't care! He is not my type in so many ways and I am just sick of wasting my time. Again, I am better off alone, or, at the very least, better off not being in some pointless affair.

He responded that he wanted to write a similar email to me (I guess he feels as though he's been distant and anxiety ridden as well?) and that he's cool and if I'm cool, then we're cool. Lol, that's verbatim. I am cool. But I just don't even have the energy to be having him over every other damn night, keeping me up until 4 am. No thanks. I would do that with someone that I have a deep connection to and he ain't it. Lol...all signs still point to J in that respect...but like I said: not expecting anything!

Ok, leaving work soon...and pissed that I broke one of my IPod headphones, so I have to walk to the parking lot only half listening to the FOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-(

Ciao fuckers

Another night in the life of a ROCK star

Hey hey. Sooo hung out with J last night. He picked me up around 10:15 pm and we argued about who was paying. I kind of insisted because I invited HIM out, so I should freakin' pay. WTF? He tried to put up a fight, but, being the independent girl that I am, I refused.

We went to this really nice bar on Bx. River Road in Yonkers called Burke's. Big place. They had a U2 cover band warming up when we got there.

He was pretty tired, since he had a game yesterday and he was sore! I was pretty tired too, but we managed to drink, laugh hysterically, smoke stogies and listen to music until about 2:30 am. We had soooo much fun. I'm happy that we're back to being friendly and just bugging out with each other. As usual, we shared some secrets about ourselves, things we don't let other people know we're thinking, I guess.

Anyway, so he dropped me off at home, I kissed him on the cheek and went inside. We TMd that we both had a great time and I thanked him for keeping me company...anytime, he says.

I missed my friend! He looked at me last night the way he used to before we fell off and that was nice, but neither of us made a move to take it beyond the friendly thing last night, so I guess we shall see if that ever happens again.

Anyhoo - another busy day in hell, I mean, work...g2g.

Ciao bitches.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

FOO FUCKIN' FIGHTERS ROCK!

If you haven't already picked it up, PLEASE get the new Foo Fighters CDs "In Your Honour" - one CD is rock and the other is acoustic. FUCKIN' AMAZING!!! Here is a taste of the writing this time around...nuts. For real. I can't stop listening to these CDs!!

"The Deepest Blues Are Black"

Shame on you
Seducing everyone
You faded jewel
You diamond in the rough
You don’t have to tell me
I know where you’ve been
Shining once again
Will you do the thing you’ve always done
Tell me true
I think you know the one
The one that makes me blurry
Colors start to run
Everytime I wonder
I go under
The deeper the blues, the more I see black
The sweeter the bruise, the feeling starts coming back
All the deepest blues are black
How my mind is spinning
And my head is going numb
Right from the beginning
Our ending had begun
I can be your trouble
Shiver into you
Shaking like the thunder
Sinking under

When it comes closing in
Reject
Cause I gotta move
And the simple things get in the openings
Connect
Become something new

To remove

"What If I Do"
Back and forth, that voice of yours
Keeps me up at night
Help me search to find the words
That eat you up inside
I go side to side like the wildest tides
In your hurricane
And I only hide what is on my mind
Because I can’t explain
What if I do, Lord?
What if I don’t?
I’d have to lose everything
Just to find you
It’s my turn, this soul won’t burn
So throw me in the fire
Trophies earned and lessons learned
From wicked little liars
We could pave new roads with their cold gravestones
And wind them through the pines
Should I stay or should I go alone?
I cannot decide.
Carolina.


SWEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little partying never hurt anyone...right?

Ok here's the run down:
Monday: gym, work
Tuesday: gym, relaxed in the house
Wednesday: gym, relaxed in the house
Thursday: went to the 19th Precinct NYPD Smoker, a charity boxing match with J9 and her old partner - VERY fun, lots of alcohol and drunk cops lol...
Friday: loonngggg ass day @ work - left @ 10 pm, showered and changed and headed back down to Manhattan to meet Cousin, her Fiance and his friends at McFadden's. Had lots of fun, jello shots too lol. One of Fiance's best men was there too - OMG soooo incredibly beautiful. But, of course, he has a girlfriend, which I'm sure means nothing b/c he was giving me the lusty eye all night. Fiance just happened to point out that he and J are good friends...oh, of course, just my luck! Whatevsss. The wedding should be fun, fun, fun and I can't wait! Hennywayz-got home around 2:30 am...
Today: One of the dudes that works for me called @ 7:30 am with some crisis, so I got here @ 9:00 am. Do the math, I didn't sleep much. TM'd J to see if he wanted to go out for drinks, being that I'm getting out @ 8:00 pm. He said he has a game until about 8:30 pm, but we should be hooking up. Got my monthly buddy today though, so uh...I'm not sure that we'll be hooking up in that sense - don't want to jump the gun on that either.

Fiance told me last night that J really did care about me. Um, ok, so why did he diss me? Why get so scared when I DON'T want a relationship? We had an intimacy that came very quickly and I miss THAT aspect of our uh..."affiliation". Whatevsss, he's my friend and I guess that's where it has to be for now!

Ok - about 6 hours to go...then we'll see where the night goes!! ;-)

Ciao for now beetchez.

Monday, June 13, 2005

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE

Michael Pansy Ass Child Molesting Jackson was found NOT GUILTY for all charges. I can't even think right now. That bitch ass is probably going to throw a fuckin' concert for the 14 and under male crowd to celebrate. Sure. Parents...keep letting your kids go to the Neverland Ranch. You too can have a lawsuit - go pimp your kids. Why fuckin' not. (disclaimer: pure sarcasm)

Hello Odd? It's me, Michael

Michael Jackson's pansy ass verdict will be read @ 4:45pm. Check out CNN for the latest!

Click me for blink 182 lyrics

I know most of the words to their last album, but actually reading them tells such a damn good story...

Good news...supposed to hang out with my girl Jess tonight...in WP?! Woohoo

Untitled

I don't need to say where these quotes come from.
"Now as a question of etiquette, do I give you the ass or the crotch?"
"First you have to give up, first you have to know... not fear... know... that someday you're gonna die. "
"...calm as Hindu cows"
"My God. I haven't been fucked like that since grade school. "
"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not. "
"Its not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything. "
"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. "

More cunning clergyman

Ugh. More on my religious rant. Read the article.

Honestly, where the fuck is the archidiocese getting this money? From churchgoers? Let's be real. I know they have insurers. I'm sure every freakin' archidiocese in the country has "insurers"...just as many insurers as child molesters.

And what does it say about the "almighty church" when priests are found guilty posthumously? What does it say about the "almighty church" when they're settling instead of fighting? They want to hide the truth, that's what. And I'm not surprised. They say there is a "Blue Wall of Silence" for law enforcement officers. There must be some "Stiff White Collar & Black Robe Wall of Silence" for the perv...I mean, priests. Nasty fuckers. I swear I want to spit in the faces of every last one of the dirty bastards that strip children of their innocence.

Just disgusting. Now I am pissed the hell off.

Ciao fuckers.

ROCKStar

I want to play an instrument. I'm doing the research on it now...can anyone guess which instrument it will be????

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Bugaboo

"I wanna put your number on the call block/Have AOL make my e-mails stop/'Cause you a bug a boo /You buggin’/What you buggin’/Who you buggin’ me/And don't you see it ain't cool" [Destiny's Child - "Bugaboo"]

DANG! I might need to change my number. So I get a phone call last night around 11:45pm. I didn't look at the number b/c I have different personalized rings for the people that call me frequently. This ring was generic, so I got up a few minutes after it stopped ringing and looked at the missed call info. It was a (718) # that I didn't recognize, but I had a feeling I knew who it was. I *67'd & called it back. Male voice that I didn't want to hear, so I hung up. I don't give a fuck. So he calls back and leaves a message: "It's so horrible that you can't grow up. It's so horrible that you can't grow up". Um, I heard you the first time you said it. Now normally I don't respond when this person, the ex, calls. I ignore his calls, messages and emails b/c I don't want anything to do with him. I closed that chapter in my life almost a year ago and threw the book in the fire. So why the fuck is he still calling?

I TM'd him back and told him that it's horrible that he can't leave me alone and lose my number, if he wants to talk about what's horrible. He responded by calling me about 4 more times. I TM'd him once again and said that it's quite convenient that these messages that he's leaving (I'll detail them in a sec) don't mention anything about the $1,000 he owes me from way back. I said if it will cost that much for me not to see or hear from him again, I'll deal with the debt (and the ruined credit, but who's splitting hairs?)...

The messages? Well, they ranged from pleading for my friendship to anger about the fact that I have ignored him since I freed myself from the cage called 'relationship'...he went on to say that he really did love me, talks about me to his girlfriend all the time, misses me, sees little things I'd given/bought him over the years and he gets sad...thinks about me everyday. WHATEVER. Man - I never knew he was this fuckin' thick-headed. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. I could barely understand half of what he was saying b/c his GHETTO ass said "you know what I'm sayin'?" after like every sentence.

I am soooo happy that I am out of that environment. I live, work and conduct myself in a world where proper English is used and accepted. Tangent, my bad.

He TM's me regarding the $$: "If you want it, you can still have it if you please call me. After you talk to me once, you can decide if you don't want to talk to me again"...what? 'you can still have it'? Bitch, YOU owe ME. Operative word here being owe. WTF? I just didn't even respond and I erased all of his messages, TMs and calls. I can't even be bothered.

Now I know what you're thinking: Why did you even entertain him with TMs? Well, I just wanted to let him know that I didn't want him to be calling me anymore, period, because I don't want anything to do with him. I know I should have just ignored him like I always do, but enough is enough. I just can't take it anymore!! I hope he loses my number for real. I don't want to have to change my shit, go through all that trouble of informing all the people I DO wish to speak to - because of one asshole that can't get a clue.

"Freakin' idiot!"

I blame the parents

So, as I negotiated my way through the streets today on my way to work, I couldn't help but make a few observations.

Ladies, just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. In addition, spandex is a privilege, not a right. Recite this silently and you will know better for next time.


Parents: put some damn clothes on your kids! 9 year olds in tube tops and short shorts is NOT the move. It's disgusting. Some Michael Jackson type is going to go home tonight and jerk off to the image of kids barely clothed. Don't add to an already mad world.

Boys...yes, even the 30 yr. olds...boys: DON'T DISRESPECT WOMEN. Period. I couldn't walk the streets today without being harrassed. Don't fuckin' ask me "Yo, where yo flag at" or "Why yo pants so long". I am NOT one of these slutty little girls, starving for some kind of attention, positive or otherwise. Don't look at my IPod, don't tell me I think I'm too good.

I don't think I am better than anyone else, I just know how to conduct myself. More women should learn how to do that. I'm not going to walk in the street, half naked with my shorts wedged up my ass with the PR flag wrapped on my chest as a tube top, with a loose knot in the back, begging to be pulled on. No thank you.

I will keep my uppity ass at work, thank you kindly. I can understand the logic behind men lumping all women in some kind of collective category. I do it. And it sucks. I think most men are assholes, so its logical that men think most women are sluts. Vicious cycle. Ugh. Its disgusting.

I have to post something else that happened last night, but its in a completely different vein.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Annoying...

Dang! I must be allergic to work. I am scratching the hell out of my arms and legs...I think there is a flipping mosquito in here or something! Gross...

Furthermore, just read Jess' blog. I must agree wholeheartedly. I hate to say because I am a proud Puerto Rican woman, but Latin men, at least the ones I've had encounters with in NY, have SERIOUS issues. I am so annoyed with the way certain men in our society act. Fortunately, given the fact that I live in a predominantly Caucasian area, I don't have too much contact with the jerks to whom we're referring.

I pride myself on being "color-blind", so to speak. I don't see race, color, religion. These things are are just social constructions: ways for people to put themselves and others into a box; classifications so that people feel better about themselves. I don't identify with many of my fellow Latin people - I was born here, but I know my heritage. I know the struggles of many different groups of people. For instance, the Irish were slaves too (think 'Fighting Irish'...look it up, interesting history there)...let's contemplate, for a moment, what the world would be like if these social constructions didn't exist. Where would we all be?

Off on a tangent, sorry about that. Back to the point: the Latin men that I've had the displeasure of coming into contact with have ALL been assholes. The hissing, the cat calling, the insults when they're ignored...this is real, people. However, I will say that I've had the same kinds of problems with men of every "color"...fortunately, there have been exceptions, and for that, I am thankful. I'd hate to think that EVERY man is like that: rude, disrespectful, shady.

I blame society. "Hood rats" see "video hoes" shaking their half naked asses on TV...women constantly disrespect themselves, so some men think that's ok. It's a vicious cycle: women think men want sex? They throw themselves at them. Men want a chick? They cat call and grab. I went through something like this in South Carolina, in a club. The "men" down there are ridiculously disrespectful, grabbing asses. And the females down there let it happen, think its funny. So when a girl like me, who has ZERO tolerance for bullshit, curses them out and gets in their face, I'M the bitch? Give me a break.

Any educated female knows her boundaries and limits. I am happy that I was raised to stand up for myself and to correct shit that's wrong. We sometimes feel powerless b/c of our small stature or we fear we'll look stupid standing up to a big man...ooooh. I'm shaking in my boots. Fuck that.

Thanks Jess, now I'm mad lol.

p.s. Pardon any typos...I am running home at top speed and don't have time to fix this!! ;-)

I Heart WP

So...although I vowed not to go out last night, I did (sorry Jess!!)...by the time I left work at 10pm, I was so dang tired! But on my way home, I called J9 and she said she wanted to hang out. I told her to come over b/c I didn't want to go out, but you know, when I mentioned White Plains, she was down. So I was like, "fuck it!!"...I looked fuckin' amazing, I must say. WP was packkkkkked. Black Bear, James Joyce and Lazy Boy all had their doors open and people were sitting outside. We stayed in Black Bear for a couple of drinks. Met some cute guys...the we went next door to James Joyce and has a couple of beers. It was almost 3am at this point and J9 convinced me to go to the Bronx. I figured...aww hell why not! Her bro was @ Pauline's, so we met him over there. Stayed for like an hour and then I decided to take a cab back to Yonkers. J9 ended up driving me and her bro went along for the ride. Didn't go to sleep until almost 5am. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the gym this morning! :-( boo on that (lol, Jess). Woke up @ 9:45am and got to work 2 hours later lol. Madddd traffic on the West Side Highway. My ass is NOT driving tomorrow...parade day. I don't celebrate, so my ass will be @ work - slavin' away lol. 5th Ave. is going to be impossible, so it blows that I work right where the parade is just starting! Blahhh ;-(...

I am telling myself that I am not going out tonight. That's the story I am sticking to. But, realistically speaking, I just might. But not in Manhattan. No sir. In WP, but I doubt J9 will want to head up there again tonight, so we'll see. I don't want to be in the Bronx. I don't mind ending up there eventually, but I'm not getting all dipped out just to hang at a neighborhood bar! Maybe Pierview? I dunno.

Ciao for now fuckers

Friday, June 10, 2005

More to say...

...man, its not all about the ass to me. As Jess pointed out today, we live in a "romance intolerant" society. Ain't that the damn truth. Where is the "total package man"? The man who is smart, funny, chivalrous, sweet, gorgeous and ambitious? Where in the fuck is he at? I'll tell you where. With some other bitch lol. That mo'fo is NOT available. And IF he is, he just wants to fuck b/c he has a good woman at home. Ok, that's cool - but not for me. No sir. I'm set thanks.

R is a cool kid, but man. If I hear another word about his fledgling business, I'm gonna have a caniption. Period dude. Its not that I don't care - I do. But 24-7 man? Dang! That makes him sound bad and I think I am saying alot of things today because I am sad. Or mad. Or whatever - they're interchangable at this point. But whatever - damn The Killers are a great band. Bubbles. Tangent, you get it, no?

Anyhoo-so yea man. I don't know what it is, but shit I need to get out there and be FOUND! Ok, 10 more lbs to go before I do that lol. I have another inch or two on the waist to get rid of - my size 4 target shorts (the ones that I use to gauge my weight loss) magically fit over my hips and they even button. But! Some useless body fat going on that I need to eliminate. So - when I'm more confident in that area, perhaps I will make myself available enough to be FOUND!

So I think the "Q.T. from the Block" is in college. On one of our walks, roomie and I spied 3 college parking stickers on his car...which, unless he took off some old ones, would pretty much make him a 2nd semester sophomore. Yes, I am a stalker lol. Fuck it. Its fun! And I think he lives with his parents. I saw some older lady grilling in the backyard. But that's ok. When I get the huevos to talk to him, I'll find out everything lol.

AND there is a BEAUTIFUL man at the gym, that I just like, LOVE! Lol. OMG. He was actually checking me out too. I got off the eliptical, then he got off the treadmill. I went into the yoga room to do situps and he worked out on a machine in my line of vision and was looking at me...then he walked towards the yoga room and I just smiled and he had a little bit of a smirk going on. But I continued to sweat and pant in my little shorts and tank top, because, after all, I go to the gym to work out, not man watch...well, PRIMARILY to work out...man watching just comes with the territory. Ok? Don't judge me!

BUT! I refuse to approach him. I'll just keep giving him the eye until he says something to me. I need to be pursued damnit! Why not? I deserve it. Fuck that.

Ciao bitchesssssssssssssss

In need of a fix...

...no, no, not the sexual kind of fix. Trust me, I can't complain in that department. R wants me morning, noon and night and can't get enough of me. But, I don't need that right now.

What I need is romance. It sucks that I have NEVER had any ridiculously romantic gestures bestowed upon me. Yes, J's b-day gift was amazing. But, was it romantic? No. And that's ok. I need someone new. Exciting. Mysterious w/o being flaky. Someone that makes my little heart go pitter fuckin' patter and no bitches, I haven't found him. So, I am not looking anymore. As I cried my eyes out on my way to work today, I didn't even acknowledge the passing cars or the hundreds of men out on the street. I just don't care anymore. What I need is a man who wants to "fix" me...b/c there is something wrong!!

"Fix You" - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
I see a stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.


p. to the s.: If it seems as though this post is contradictory to some previous ones, its not. I still like being single, I just wish I had a bevy of wonderful men from which to choose. Don't we all.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Hmph part 7,504

So......took some initiative today and TMd J to see if he wanted to get together and talk. To my complete surprise, he called a couple of hours later, answering in the affirmative. We decided to meet for coffee after he got out of physical therapy. He looked so sad when he saw me. The first words out of his mouth were: "My God, you look beautiful"...cheaaaaaa kid. Lol. I looked really nice and he noticed how much weight I've lost...I don't need anyone's approval, but it was nice that he noticed. Anyway, so back to him being sad...he was VERY apologetic, and basically, he blew me off b/c he didn't know in which direction he wanted us to go...he was thinking about the length of time we'd been seeing each other and what that could possibly mean...should we be a couple already or could we continue on having fun without a committment...?? So I told him that blowing me off was not the way to deal with the situation and he began to apologize profusely. I told him not to apologize, that it was too late for that, and really...not necessary. I'm beyond it -- I just wanted to get together to clear the air. So we did...had a good time talking like old times...then he got out my car and went home...it was kewl.

And p.s. I have a new obsession. He is BEAUTIFUL...OMG...AND!! He lives around the corner from me. I passed by him like 3 times today as I was walking thru the neighborhood...I'm gonna talk to him tomorrow if I see him. Gotta stop being such a pussy lol. But he is THAT gorgeous. I am a little intimidated...

Ciao for now fuckers

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Ok, ok, more inspirational shit

Why am I not anyone's "Monkey Wrench"? Because I'd like to "Blow Up the Outside World"...

Soundgarden fuckin' rocked...

Nothing seems to kill me no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all
Not one for giving up though not invincible I know


I've given everything I need
I'd give you everything I own
I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone
I've given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down in and
Blow up the outside world


Someone tried to tell me something
Don't let the world get you down

Nothing will do me in before I do myself
So save it for your own and the ones you can help

Want to make it understood
Wanting though I never would
Trying though I know it's wrong
Blowing it to hell and gone
Wishing though I never could
Blow up the outside world

Skeletons

So, as I completed my words of wisdom below, in between doing actual work, my phone rang. It was Hec, this kid that I used to date in high school. I haven't talked to him in a few months. Shit, last time we spoke was the night that J9 and I went to his block and hung out with him. I remember wearing a leather jacket, so I'm pretty sure it was the tail end of winter / beginning of spring. That's neither here nor there. We made small talk and he asked me if I wanted to hang out after I get out of work b/c he's on vacation (he's in Law Enforcement - that's all I'll say). I told him I'm sure I'd be exhausted, but that I'd call him anyway. Man, I'm not going to hang out with him. At least not tonight. I gotta cut out the late night hanging on the weekends...well, not really lol, but hey, I can try, right?

My point is that these skeletons keep creeping out the closet! Dang! First homegirl, now Hec, its just weird! I pride myself on not having gone back to old ex's or dudes I used to kick it with back in the day. The past is the past for a reason, as I always say. I'm into meeting and hanging out with new people. Hec is a cool kid and I'll hang with him but not in that cuddly sense...no thanks...there is only one dude that I will hang with (in the cuddly sense) from my past and that's my love, R in Florida. Other than that...? Nahhhhh...can't do it.

The other R...he TMd me today asking what's up. Said he'd call me lata. Kewl. But we are not hanging out. I am exhausted. Lol...I've been up since 7:30am, went to the gym, home to shower then down to work. Uh uh. AND I have to do it again tomorrow b/c I gotta be here @ 12pm..so I have to wake up at like 7am and go to the flipping gym. Cheaaaa...

Ciao for now, beetches.

Not your fuckin' monkey wrench

So, as I was driving on the Saw Mill/Henry Hudson this morning on my way to work, sun roof and all windows open, music blasting...wind making my hair a wild mess, the Foo Fighters came on and completely made me realize how truly wonderful my life is...read:

"Monkey Wrench"

What have we done with innocence
It disappeared with time, it never made much sense
Adolescent resident
Wasting another night on planning my revenge

One in ten

Don’t want to be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident
I’d rather leave than suffer this
I’ll never be your monkey wrench

All this time to make amends
What do you do when all your enemies are friends
Now and then I’ll try to bend
Under pressure wind up snapping in the end

One in ten

Don’t want to be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident
I’d rather leave than suffer this
I’ll never be your monkey wrench

One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still there’s one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now I’m free


Don’t want to be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident
I’d rather leave than suffer this
I’ll never be your monkey wrench


And that, my friends, is poetic. Enjoy life - be free - don't be so fuckin' confined to expectations and bullshit. Cut ties, people. Ladies, please - rid yourself of these toxic men who just want to use you up and throw you out. Be the master of your own future. Why complain? Why cry? Why go through so much bullshit for people that won't go through bullshit for or with you? Gawd...get a clue man. Life is about having fun and taking advantage of opportunities...not material things, not stressing dudes, not crying broke. Fuck that. Be free, man.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Oh, barkin' up the wrong tree

I won't get into detail, but let's just say that someone from my past has sorta popped back up and is now emailing me, trying to find out my number. She is someone who has been interested in me for the longest, but I have been uh...less than cooperative. I would have jumped at the chance like a year ago, but the whole bisexual thing has sorta passed...I still think women are beautiful and would love Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron DOWNNNNNNN...but since that's not entirely realistic, I remain, sadly, hetero...well that's not entirely true. I guess, deep down, I still have a thing for girls, but I don't plan on pursuing any (or having any pursue me so.....)...I won't be emailing this chick back ;-) lol...

Ciao for now!

Coldplay!!

Kek, Jules, Heid, Jess and I are going to see Coldplay at Madison Square Garden in September! Rock on!

Juicy

Hey hey...
Sooooo...J finally called me yesterday, around 3pm. Now, mind you, he is a teacher. I've NEVER spoken to him as early as 3pm on a school day - so he must have JUST gotten out of work and called me. If you REALLY wanna talk to me about something, don't fuckin' call me when you're driving home - dude, fuckin' take the shit seriously and pay attention. Call me when you get home. So, since I didn't really know what to say to him at that point, I didn't pick up. He left me a message along the lines of "Hey Yaz, it's J***...just calling to say what's up, its been awhile. I hope things weren't uncomfortable that day in the bar...anyway, gimme a call, keep in touch"...my cousin just about had a fit when I told her to listen to the message. Uh. 'Keep in touch'? Dude, you had the opportunity to keep in touch with me over the past like 6 weeks...don't call me for that! It was TOTALLY CONTRIVED. I was amazed. So, I TMd him a few minutes later and stated that I was busy at work (I SOOOOOO was not) and that I wasn't uncomfortable at all. He wrote back and said that he didn't mean to imply that I, personally, was uncomfortable, but maybe the situation was. He said he'd call me back after 7pm (cuz I told him to)...and you know what? He DIDN'T CALL ME. Why am I not surprised? The sucky part is that he really, truly is a great guy, or so I thought...don't call me on some guilty shit. Hello - where is the "I'm sorry"...how about this: "Hey Yaz, I'm sorry I blew you off dude. It was fucked up of me. I just got caught up in meeting people and dating around that I haven't had a chance to call you." See......not bad at all. Why is that hard? Its honest and direct. Black and white, just like he knowsssssss I like for things to be. So WTF? Can I get that respect? I'm not going to put the effort in to call him. I told him in the TM that I had some thoughts about the whole thing, things that he should hear. That's why he was supposed to call back. So I guess he wasn't all that interested. I will give him a piece of my mind in the nicest way possible, b/c, after all, I take into consideration the fact that we are in a wedding together in a few months and are bound to see each other a few times before then...so why leave things fucked up so that seeing each other is awkward? No reason for that, so I'm not going to be a bitch. But he should have thought about that awkwardness before he blew me off. Ugh, old age has calmed me. It takes some getting used to!

In other news, hung out with R last night. This late night shit is killing my gym routine. I'm a little turned off. We have this AMAZING, AMAZING sex...I used the phrase "fuckin' ridiculous" again last night...we had sex 3 times last night and once this morning...and then after I got out of the shower, he wanted to do it again. I was like no, dude, I'm already running late, wtf? Put your clothes on and lets go! Took his sweet time in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and putting on his contacts without a care in the world, while I waited, towel in hand, ready to take a shower. Punctuality is big with me. Huge. And he loses points for always being late for some shit and taking forever in the bathroom when he very well knows I'm not a morning person - ever. He's lucky he got some this a.m. I was exhausted. 6 hours of sleep. Tired'r than a mofo. WTF...But his oral skills leave nothing to be desired...goodness gracious. And he LOVESSSSSSSSS to be down there. He can do it for an hour w/o coming up for air. You boys and girls reading this can learn something from that - please your woman! You'll be happy you did! I think he was a lesbian in a past life...damn. It is THAT serious.

But I just want to go home and go to sleep tonight - so I hope he doesn't try to see me. Sorry charlie! Not so much!

Ciao for now, bitches.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Damnit to hell

J9 and I went to White Plains last night to hang out. The guy playing guitar was AWESOME...though not as good as Jason, the guy who plays next door at James Joyce on Wednesdays. Anyhoo--so the cutie bartender was there and whilst I took a piss, J9 did some detective work. Unfuckingfortunately, he has a girlfriend. Gee whiz, why am I not surprised. Good looking guy like that? What a fuckin' shame. Whatevssss lol. AND this gorgeous guy was trying to talk to me (funny guy, too) - a fuckin' engineer no less, and I igged him cuz I like the bartender lol. **sigh** Such is the story of my life.

Sorry for the short post, but I have a date with the nail salon.

Ciao for now!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Bliss

So, I didn't end up hanging out with my cousin on Memorial Day...we decided that we would hold off on going out until we had some dinero. I wore a skirt that day and R was kind of like a kid in a candy store, so he wanted to see me...I was like oooooook. Three days in a row (well, nights, rather)...he came over around 8 that night and well, it was a fun evening until...

His ex called. He looked at the caller ID and I just knew it was her. I was like, you could have picked up and gone to the other room. It was a damn good thing we'd already had sex because he was like a cold fish after that. He turned around towards the wall and slept a little. Finally, I turned off the lights and TV and turned my back to him and tried to sleep. He turned towards me and asked what was wrong. I said 'nothing'. He said I was lying. I wasn't. I just don't understand how a dude breaks up with a chick and lays in another chick's bed and just goes limp (not literally) b/c the ex calls. Dude...I don't care, just talk to her! Not a big deal...but don't lay in my bed and be sad about it. Nope, sorry. For all that, just go home, or go to her house, I don't care, but don't lay around me all depressed.

We talked yesterday a couple of times, but that was it. I don't plan on seeing him this week. I'm going up to White Plains with Jess tonight and then to Heidi's house tomorrow for dinner with the girls. Need my girls around me man. I can't get caught up in this bullshit. Swooning, as Jess says...fuck that man. I'd rather be alone than deal with that! Ok, had to post real quick for you thirsty readers out there lol j/k.

Ciao for now!