Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Friday, April 29, 2005

"Tonight, I'll be your naughty girl..."

Hmph.
Well, I hung out with the cutie from my job last night. I was categorically NOT naughty, as the title of this blog might imply. But, we had a good time - drinks, laughs, deep conversation - and stayed out until 5am. Poor thing had to be at work at 10am, and he was actually on time! He didn't go to bed until 7am (long drive home from my neighborhood). I didn't get to sleep until almost 6am, and woke up for class at 11am. Then came to work and hung out with him some more. I missed the gym today! First time in a month that I haven't been there. That's ok. I'll make it up in the morning before I come to work.
I realize that I am treading on dangerous ground, especially since this guy has a girlfriend (regardless of the fact that they're close to breaking up, whatever)...it's all good. Nothing wrong with having a new friend. Just can't make it all obvious at work...don't want to give anyone anything new to talk about! ;-)

Spoke to J every day this week (he would call me or I would call him)...he is still super busy, but school is ending soon and his little 3rd graders will be off for the summer and so will he. I think he is taking another grad school class over the summer, but I hope he'll have more free time. I haven't seen him since my birthday (I think I may have mentioned that already)...

But I must maintain, at least for the time being...that I LOVE being single!


Ciao!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Hmph part 2

**SIGH!!!** Turns out that my new Crush of the Month has a girlfriend. Whateva! Why are all the nice, sweet, funny and smart ones always taken? Lol…I flat out asked him…well, in my email, and he regretfully explained his situation. Its cool. I’ll find me a new dude to drool over lol. Ugh. Utter disgust! I haven’t spoken to J in 4 days, since he called me last. Whatever. I don’t call him. I don’t text him. I don’t care. I can’t stress on that situation. It is what it is. If something comes of it, great, if not, well, there are sooo many fish in the sea.

Ciao!

Coldplay - "Speed of Sound"

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I’ll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I have found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand…

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I have found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand…

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh…
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand…

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Hmph!

Let me start off by saying that I love the gym. I love it and I can't get enough of it. It DOES help that, while I spew sweat and pant like a rabid dog, I am surrounded by some very hot guys. Lol. But I don't go to the gym for that. I have dropped 2 pants sizes (from 8 to 4, thanks very much) and I am VERY happy about that. I am more confident than I've ever been and well, it sucks to be single lol.

I've pretty much given up on J. He's great, got me the most amazing and THOUGHTFUL gift for my birthday (A very expensive book about Dali's artwork) and I can't even put into words how much that book and the thought behind it means to me. But what the fuck? Can a bitch get some quality time? Shit. LOL. That dude is one busy mofo, and I swear, I'm just about done. I am still going to be there for him, to talk to and stuff, like a good friend does, but damnit, I'm not putting myself out there anymore, asking him to hang out. No no no. If he wants to see me, he knows my freakin' schedule and he can ask me to hang out. I'm sure I've said that a million times before, but this time I mean it!! Lol...I hope I can back that up.

I am getting some weird ass TMs from people who have no business TMing me, asking me to um hang out. Dude, just because your girl is out of town, doesn't mean that I am just going to run over to your place and chill with you. No thanks. Staying my ass out of trouble. Do I want some affection? Of course I do, but I am not THAT hard up for it. His girl is down in Fla. with one of my best friends...and she came to my b-day par-tay. How 2 faced would that be for me to hang out with her man while she is away? No thanks. Lol.

I have a new crush. OMG he is so cute. I need these distractions at work because if I don't have them, I'll die from boredom. I emailed him. He is NOT a banker. I am his superior, but whatever, he's a cutie. Lol.

Ciao!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

It's been awhile...

...and I don't feel like writing a whole lot, so I'll give you the gist:
  • Been hitting the gym like a maniac lately. Every single day for at least an hour. I have never felt so good in my life! I am more confident and happy than I've been in awhile.
  • Celebrated my 25th birthday this past weekend. Had my b-day bash at Katwalk in NYC. Jess was bartending, so she was there :( -- wish she could have celebrated more with me. Kek took me out to dinner beforehand and it was amazing! I love my cousin! Her fiance and J showed up a little while after we got there and I got mad because OMG I actually had to mingle lol. Mad drama went down at different points in the night -- mostly due to asshole bouncers and immature invited guests, but overall, it was a great time!
  • Went to an early dinner with my family on Sunday, my actual birthday...my parents bought me diamonds! (my birth stone)...as always. They spoil me so. Lol. My niece and nephew were there as well and that was the best birthday present by far.
  • Other than that, work still sucks ass and school is kewl...semester is winding down!! Summer is almost here, thank goodness. I need a break!!
  • I am learning that I have only myself to depend on (and a few close friends, of course!!) -- dudes are unreliable, but I guess I should have known that. J is so busy. All I can do is let him know that I'm there, but still have to live my life...at the gym! Lol.

Ciao!

Friday, April 08, 2005

OMG

So, I wrote a long ass post yesterday, but something weird happened and it never posted. So I'll give you all the gist:
"Gym" is my new man's name. I have seen "Gym" everyday this week, and between you and I...((I am feeling FABULOUS!!!!!!!))...
I have been doing the readings for my Anthro class and working on prints for Photography...and I'm no longer a procrastinator. I haven't felt this good in a long time: I'm getting in shape and taking care of my responsibilities...and still managing to have fun while I'm at it. I LOVE going to the gym...and not just cuz there are hot guys there either, but that always helps!

AND...(drum roll please)...R called me. Today. I was at a loss for words. I KNOW that loving him is wrong, but I don't want to be right! Ha ha ha. It was sooooo good to hear his voice and know that he's ok. Make me want to jump on a plane to Florida, like right now. But I won't. Unless he asks me to. Lol. He knows he has some emails from me that need to be read, so hopefully, I'll get a response back from him. Fuck, everytime I think about him, I just wanna run down there, literally (which is why I'm getting in shape -- ya know, long distance running...Just kidding). Ok I'm gonna end it here. I don't wanna start singing love songs and shit.

Ciao!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Epiphany...

So today I kind of had a breakdown. Not a ‘crying, screaming bloody murder’ breakdown, but more of a ‘what the fuck am I doing with my life’ kind of breakdown.

I realized that I am not doing what I need to be doing to advance my life. Yes, I am working, making good money, going to school. But I am just going through the motions. I don’t have a real passion for any of it. I need to figure out what I want to do with my future and make it happen. Fuck all this destiny and fate crap that I’ve been feeding myself all these years.

I’ve been unhappy for sooo long, thinking that other people made me this way. No. I define what happiness is for me. I dictate what happens to me. And I’m going to take control of all the aspects of my life that I let get away from me. I’m not going to be complacent any longer. I am going to go balls to the wall and do what I have to do to get ahead in life.

Gone are the days that I depend on other people for anything. No more rearranging my life for dudes that wouldn’t do the same for me. No more fantasizing about relationships that will probably never happen. No more irresponsibility. No fear.

I’m not going fear change. I’m not going to be afraid of taking chances. I have to live this life the best way I can: without fear, without regret.

And there is no time like the present to begin my new life. The time is now.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Here I go again...

((sigh))
Just another day in the life of me. I'm so tired. Not physically, but mentally, emotionally. I am so moody lately. Maybe it's because I've been PMSing this past week. But I'm no longer PRE-menstrual. So where the f are all these emotions coming from? I used to balance out my mood with alcohol, and since I'm no longer drinking everyday, I have to find another mood balancer! I need another kind of therapy, the creative kind probably.

I've been giving far too much thought to this dog tag thing. Just so many signs that I have been seeing. Florida this and Florida that. Saw Florida plates on my way to work this morning. WTF? He hasn't even responded to my email yet. Damn. I miss his words.
It still fucks with me, everyday, that I can love someone that I will NEVER have. He is too good of a man, and I guess that's why I love him. Makes me realize how pathetic I really am.
I purge my thoughts on paper - constantly. But...I don't feel better. Never going to feel good about that situation, I guess. It is what it is. I still love him whether the sky is blue or gray, whether the stars shine or clouds appear. That kind of love is forever.

"Fair" - Remy Zero

Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground,
and that damage was done.
It's cold as you fade into the sun.
Where'd you go? To me?
But you're alive!
Well, it's only
fallen frames, they told me.
You stand out, it's so loud...
and so what if it is.
It's cold as you face into the wind.
Where'd it go to?

So what if you catch me,
where would we land?
In somebody's life
Takin' his hands.
Sing to me hope as she's
thrown on the sand.
All of our worth
is rated again.
Where to go?

But it's all wrong, you're so strong.
But this life's worth
and choice took far too long.

Where'd it go to?

You know I love you.
You know I love you .
I want you oh so much.

It's so fair.

When I was sure you'd follow through,
My world was turned to blue.

When you'd hide
your songs would die,
so I'd hide yours with mine.

And all my words were bound to fail.
I know you won't fail...

see, I can tell...

And I wonder...

"Everlong" Foo Fighters
Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang
Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Caught up

Yup. Caught up. I don't know what's happening. I just want to crawl into a corner and give up. Just because you feel something for someone, doesn't mean they're going to feel it back for you. And that's why I have to relax...

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Drinkin' again...

...but I've been good. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't drink until I knew I could control my intake. And I did that. Thursday night when I went out to Katwalk for a bit with J9, we had 2 drinks each -- girly ass Malibu & Pineapple Juice. So last night, we went to see this kid Hec that we went to high school with...went to check him in his neighborhood. I brought J9 with me b/c I already made plans with her and I didn't want to get caught up reminiscing & dissing her if I went to see him by myself. But we all ended up talking shit anyway, for almost 2 hours. Then we left him and J9 & I went over to her neighborhood -- Pauline's, of course. Her bro and I were hanging out...and J9 was with her honey. So after about 4 or 5 of those girly ass drinks, I took my ass home. I didn't get in until after 3am... :-(

So today I'm tired. But that's ok. I just needed to get out and get my mind off the shit that's it's been on lately. R...(sigh...)...that shit is still fucking with me. I can't even put it into words at the moment. I'm just...I don't know. Miss my friend...

Friday, April 01, 2005

Sweet dreams are made of this...

Ahhh...so the end of a very exciting week...I don't feel like recapping the whole thing but here's the abbreviated version:
  • Saw J more often than usual, since he's infirmed and all. He is still amazing and wonderful and I'm lucky to even know this kid ;-)
  • Got a B on my Anthropology midterm. Go me.
  • Failed my Computers and Culture midterm (mostly because I never did any of the reading assignments), so I swiftly withdrew from that bitch-ass class. Go me.
  • Finally figured out where I'm celebrating my birthday. A LOAD off my mind.

As I was doing some spring cleaning yesterday, I came across R's dog tags and I was very sad for awhile. Whenever I clean and end up finding them, I quickly re-hide them because all the feelings that go along with those dog tags are just too much for me. Little pieces of metal should not hold that much meaning to a civilian...:-(...but they do. So I sat holding them and looking at them for awhile, just remembering the day he left them and all that happened that day...and all the feelings that I've felt for a VERY long time.

Went out for a little while last night, and had them with me. I don't know why I took them, but I did, and life is weird and unpredictable that way, so I won't even bother trying to explain it. Came back home and went to sleep and dreamt of him...I dreamt of his face, his smile and it seemed like I just saw him yesterday...it was so familiar and so new at the same time. I text messaged him this morning when I woke up...didn't expect a response...didn't get one anyway.

It's crazy how someone I haven't seen in 7 years can still have that effect on me. I go through my moments...the moments when the feelings are at the forefront, and then, other times, the feelings are buried inside me. It fucks with me that he got away. I can't change the past, don't really want to, but I wish I played it better...wish I had all the answers. But I don't. I won't. I just want to hear from him again...if you're reading...call me...email me...somethin'...