Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Saturday, March 26, 2005

WTF?

Why the fuck do I even bother?

Ugh, I am just in another one of those fucked up moods, where all I do is curse and rant and be pissed off.

In general, nothing bad has happened, other than the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair lol. Nothing new there.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Quote of the century -- according to me

"I don't know whether I'm the boxer or the bag..."
- Yellow Ledbetter, Pearl Jam

Still sober...

Howdy, partners.

Well, one particularly interesting thing to note: I've been clean and sober for 9 days. No, I'm not in AA, not taking 12 Step nothin', but it feels good to say that I haven't had a drink in over a week. It was no small feat. I've had the physical craving for it, but haven't succumbed to the urge. People keep calling me, wanting me to go hang out at whatever random bar, but I keep saying no, I'm staying home. Until I know that I can control my intake without incident, I won't put myself in those situations. No way.

Anyway, so J and I ended up going out on Monday, after I got out of work @ 6:30. He called me around 4 and told me that his uncle died but he still wanted to see me. I think he just wanted to keep his mind off it. So I picked him up and we went to the movies to see Ring 2 (I didn't care for it). And he wouldn't let me pay. He blocked me with his crutch while he pulled out his wallet. Afterwards, we walked outside to my car, only to discover that one of my tires was practically flat. I didn't even want to deal with it, but he told me to go to the gas station, which I did. He hopped (yes, literally hopped) out of the car and put air in my tire for me, all while balancing on one foot. So I grabbed the hose from him and did it myself, because that's sweet, but just ridiculous. Then I was freeeeezing, so he suggested we go for coffee and we did. I bought us coffee and we sat in my car talking for like 2 hours. Good conversation...more of what we talked about on Saturday. Then I took him home.

Haven't seen him since...he's been doing family stuff, of course. And I'm lonely again.

Been keeping myself busy reading though. Have to study for a midterm on Monday. Back to the grind again. Spring break is over :(

Ciao!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

It just keeps getting better

In an effort to kill two birds with one stone (hang out with J and do something other than drink), I'm taking him out to the movies on Tuesday. Damnnnn right. I said I am taking him out. He will attempt to pay, but I won't have it! I'm gonna take him to get ice cream (since he wanted ice cream last night and I said pizza and we went for pizza even though I protested!) and then we're going to see the Ring Two...yikes! I hope it's extra scary! ;-) I'm no good at playng the damsel in distress role, but hey, I can try. He'll see right through it though, lol. So I'm very excited about seeing him again. He's stubborn as far as me doing things for him (helping him up the stairs with his crutches, opening doors for him etc.), but too bad. I want to do those things for him, and it's only right! The kid doesn't let me lift a finger in my own house!

I think I am hoping in some small way, that all this time spent together will just bring us closer to each other. I think it will...I mean, we consider us close as it is and I only see him about once a week, if even that often. We share things with each other that we really don't share with other people, and I think that's really special. So maybe eventually, our friendship will grow into something more...just maybe.

Pshhhhh...

...dang I'm tired. But I tell you, I'd rather be tired than hungover. It's nice to be clearheaded for once in my life. Always got some other shit going on...

So yea, I'm very happy about having that discussion with J...to have someone look so intensely at you, hanging on your every word...I can't describe that feeling. We're friends...more than just friends, but basically: friends. And I'm cool with that. No pressure, no expectations. Just fun. No complaints there! I met some of his friends by chance yesterday while we were @ the pizza shop. Weird. And his bro was asking about my role in his life, which is what prompted him to want to have a talk about us. So we're clear. And I couldn't be happier about that.

Ok I actually have some work to do -- write later.

Ciao!

Know where to stand

Gotta run to work, so i can't write much at all, but I just wanted to say that it's good to know where you stand in someone's life. It makes going forward so much easier. J brought up some stuff that needed to be brought up lol. And I was shocked that we even talked about shit. It was a good conversation though. Put everything into perspective for me. I think we're just going to get closer as friends and eventually have to have another conversation lol. I think today will be a good day. Ciao! ;-)

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Newsflash

Heard from my friend in Florida this morning...via email. It's been a few months. I haven't talked to him since December and he hasn't written at all. Said he doesn't want to be a hinderance to me, but he's happy I'm doing ok. I guess all I can say about that is: I AM ok, staying out of trouble (for the most part) and just been wanting to hear from my friend. Won't risk losing touch again.

Other than that, even though I know I'm ok physically -- mentally and emotionally, I'm a mess. I guess sometimes I just need someone to be there for me and I haven't had that. I've got my girls, but every single one of my close girlfriends has a man...someone they can cuddle with and talk to and I just don't have that. I've been taking solace in the bottle. I go out because I don't want to stay home alone. I drink to make myself have a good time. I drink when I'm in the house, alone...so that I won't rest my thoughts on that fact. I drink to make myself numb. I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't have Mr. Right in my life (even though J is the closest thing, can't depend on that going anywhere significant)...where will I meet him? Will I meet him? Ugh, I am so tired of being alone. I want to be wanted and I just don't feel that way all the time. I want to drink all the time. I want to numb the pain. But I can't do that anymore. I can't lose myself. Can't wallow in my problems. Gotta deal with everything with a clear head. I haven't been that way in awhile. Wish I could just solve everything at once, deal with everything in just one day and move on with the rest of my life and start living.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Dear Alcohol...

...you've been a faithful friend, but you've let me down! I no longer wish to hang out with you. Yesterday was the last St. Patty's Day we'll be spending together and I certainly don't want to see you for a few months. I have to de-tox...purge you from me. Please don't be too upset. You seem to be really popular and I'm sure you'll bounce back from my rejection.

Sincerely,
Yaz

Monday, March 14, 2005

My boot tastes gross right now...

...because, as usual, I end up with my foot in my mouth.

I TM'd D again and he responded that he's been "caught up". Mhmmph! Long story short, he invited me out tomorrow, just to hang and exchange movies. Sure. I can do that lol. I think I've just been so angry about my living situation that I'm just about ready to blow up at anybody and anything. I won't divulge what he said that was skeevy (Jess is the only one that needs to know and I already told her lol), but I don't have to or want to think about that. So if we hang out, we hang out, if not, I'm not stressing it. It's a freakin' DVD...albeit one of my favorites, but whatevssss. Life is too short to dwell on unnecessary shit.

Feeling a little lonely today is what it is, I think (besides hating my roommate with a passion normally reserved for inconsiderate people and crazies...oops, that's her). Anyway, so yea, I've been listening to some depressing music and I swear I didn't make a "slit your wrists" playlist on my IPod. I'm just fuckin' tired of being alone. I looooveeeee being free to do whatever and be who I want to be, but I can do that with a steady guy too. I no longer have to put up a front -- I am free! I can be me and whomever doesn't like it can kiss my ass. As J9 said to her brother's little girlfriend: "Wit' Yaz, you either love her or you hate her"...there is no in between. No gray area to ponder, yea she's cool, but not for me. Uh uh. You dig me or you don't. And if ya don't, cool. I'll write ya off quick!

Dang. I swear I'm such a cynical fuck, but I don't care. I gotta take my own advice: stop dwelling on the little shit and get busy living life. Thinking about it ain't gonna make it fun. And I live my life that way -- no need to spend nights alone when I can be out meeting people. No need to bitch about DVDs (lol, I swear!) or text messages or MESSY FUCKIN' ROOMMATES. Lol...sometimes I just have to vent. My temper is such that I need to vent by writing instead of speaking because I won't censor myself when SCREAMING!

And maybe what I write doesn't make any sense or doesn't matter but it feels good to me. Maybe I'm just destined to be "Debbie Downer"...wah wah. Lol. Maybe I'm just as dark and morbid as I'm perceived. Maybe this post doesn't mean shit.

Now all of you know that you talk out of your asses from time to time! Why can't I?

;-)

p.s. When Natalie Portman said this song would change your life in Garden State, she was right...click HERE for lyrics.

Ugh. Utter disgust today

Reason numero uno: KROCK Concert Calendar (click it, fucker). I am upset that I can't find anyone to go to these shows with me, and even if they're willing, I'm not ABLE! The ones I REALLLLLY want to go to are either on a day I work, or start too close to the end of my school day. What a fuckin' bummer. I can take off work, but not school man. No way, Jose.

Reason numero dos: My fuckin' 3rd roommate. We'll just call her "OTHER". "OTHER" apparently thinks that she pays rent in order to occupy the entire house and everything in it. Not so, my tall and loud friend. You pay rent to sleep in a bedroom and SHARE the rest of the space, not PUT ALL YOUR FUCKIN' SHIT EVERYWHERE SO THAT NO ONE CAN FUCKIN' WALK, MUCH LESS GET TO THEIR RESPECTIVE BEDROOMS BECAUSE YOUR INCONSIDERATE ASS HAS TRUNKS FULL OF BOXES AND SHIT ALL UP IN THE HALLWAY AND LIVING ROOM. How does one person have SO MUCH FUCKIN' SHIT????? And why does that one person insist on having it all over the fuckin' place? Is that another bookcase you bought? Why the fuck is it still in the box? Put that shit up and organize. Oh, is that a coatrack you bought 2 weeks ago? Why the FUCK IS IT STILL IN THE FUCKIN' BOX? AND WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL OF YOUR GODDAMN JACKETS ON MY FUCKIN' FUTON DOWNSTAIRS?? Hello, organization, bitch. Heard of it? WTF?!??! Who the fuck vacuums at 2 o'clock in the FUCKIN' MORNING? Are you fucking kidding me? I gotta move.

Reason numero tres: Fuck, I can't even think after that fuckin' rant...oh, yea: numero tres is: Fuckin' D...skeevemasterflex never answered my text message about my fuckin' Napoleon Dynamite DVD. WTF? He's off today. I simply asked that he drop it off if he found himself in midtown is all. Alot to ask? No, not if he's already down here. He could have simply responded by saying that he would not be in the neighborhood, but perhaps we could meet up another time to exchange movies. I WANT MY FUCKIN' DVD from his SKEEVY ASS. Lol. Shit. Can't a bitch catch a damn break? I love that movie. It's a damn good thing I didn't lend him Fight Club or Garden State, because then a bitch would have to break out a tub of Vaseline and bust his ass. What the fuck? I am an angry grrrrl today, but man, listen, a bitch has a right to her shit. I brought that fool's fuckin' DVD's with me to work, just in case. Cuz that's the kind of girl that I am. Apparently, I'm too fuckin' nice. I'm gonna have to start gettin' belligerent, goddamnit.

I need a fuckin' drink.


And pardon my damn typos. I didn't proofread this shit.

Ciao bitches.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Silent activism

What a contradiction huh? Well, I just listened to Sum 41's "We're All to Blame" for about the millionth time. So true. Lyrics here...

"We're hopelessly blissful and blind..."

Sucker

I swear, I am a sucker for love :(

Am I in love? No, I am categorically not in love.

But, I must say, I don't even know what I would do if I was. I'd go broke. I just spent over $50 on a get well package for J. His surgery is on Thursday, and my cousin's fiance is going to deliver it to him (they're best friends, after all!). I bought him all types of good stuff, but not just sh*t that guys like...things that J likes. All things Dave Matthews & baseball related...his favorite candy bars...still trying to find the gum he likes. I dunno...I am just a thoughtful person I guess. I like him.

And he just text messaged me lol, which prompted this visual serenade. Lol

Ciao!

Uneventful week...surprised?

I am too. I am beginning to realize that, while I haven't even turned 25 yet, I am getting old. I used to throw on a nice outfit and not really care where I went, so long as I wasn't home. But now, I am so damn picky. I had so many options last night, as far as where to hang out. Vue, Hogs & Heifers, Rory's. But I didn't go out. I had a huge bag of stuff and just decided to go straight home after work. What can I say? I just wasn't feeling it. Plus, I already had plans to go to Kevin St. James, but due to some very unfortunate circumstances, that wasn't possible. So that kind of just put me in a crappy "going out" mood. Everything happens for a reason though, and thinking short-term...got a good night's sleep. Found a parking spot right on 57th in front of my work building this morning...woohoo! No $$$$ spent on a parking lot.

Gotta get this off my chest. I like J uh-lotttt. But I am just not used to someone not showing me alot of attention. I'm not conceited or anything, but guys usually call me pretty often and want to hang out with me. Now, I understand that the kid is busy and all...and I know for a hard fact that he likes me alot...but...I can't really get right with the whole time and space apart thing. My cousin thinks we should have a talk to define our "relationship"...me? Not so much. I'm not gonna sit him down and say "Hey, where is this going?"...that's not my concern at the present moment. But I think I like him too much to not at least wonder if it is going anywhere. Ughhhh...so confused. What to do, what to do? I can't really dwell on it though. I've stopped calling him and text messaging him. I've never been the chaser. Not that it's a game, but a girl has to have a little pride, shit!

And D, well, he's cool, but our schedules are COMPLETELY opposite. He works every single day that I'm not working and vice versa. I don't call him either. He still TM's me every now and then, and he's a cutie, but he said something the last time we spoke that skeeved me out, so give me back my damn DVD and let's be friends. Lol.

I always talk too quickly about these dudes and I always end up with my foot in my freakin' mouth lol. All I can do is laugh and hope that my life works itself out. I am too busy living it to be worried about fixing it.

Ciao!

Monday, March 07, 2005

Big pimpin' Part 2

I don't know how people date around. I just can't do it. I guess that's why I've never really dated more than one person at any given time. It's hard enough to keep track of what you talk to people about blah blah, my memory is bad enough!

So, on Saturday, I changed into jeans and took a cab over to Kevin St. James. Mannnn...damnit Jessie! Why do you let me sit there and drink so much!? Lol...it's all her fault (I love you, mama!!)...she takes great pride in getting her friends drunk. I know it! Well, Twin met me there at around 11:30pm, then Christen showed up (and happened to mention that D was talking to her about me ;-)...so we all hung out and drank. Cutie D, lol, his new name, came there str8 from work and we had a very nice time.

I always like to say that I don't just go out...I go on adventures, and Saturday was no freakin' different. It's strange how one minute, you're in total control of your surroundings and the next minute (or, ya know, 100 minutes later), you wind up in an unfamiliar place. I ended up stranded in Harlem, more so because I was pretty trashed and couldn't get the motor & cognitive skills together in order to take a cab to the Bronx to get my car. I was a good girl...I always am! Got 2 hours of sleep, bounced in search of an ATM on 125th Street and caught a cab to the Bronx. Hopped in my car and went home. Oh, you didn't go to work, you ask? No, I didn't. Called out sick...I was having stomach issues, so I didn't feel like going in.

Spent a shit load of time with my roomie before she went to her second job, then made a buttload of coffee and cleaned my pig sty of a room...yes, all this on just 2 hours of uncomfortable sleep). I was pretty miserable, until J got to my house, that is! He got to see me cry, lol. It's an event lemme tell you! He brought over Saving Private Ryan, which (he is a damn good listener!) I mentioned once that I hadn't seen it. Wooooo, what I tearjerker! Ugh, when Giovanni Ribisi was dying and calling for his mother?! OMG, I was a mess. J teared up too b/c the movie reminds him of his Dad in the war. And then we just, ya know, hung out. ;-) I love spending time with him. He is sooo fun.

But anyway, back to this business of seeing more than one person at a time. While J and I were together, D text messaged me about Napoleon Dynamite, which I'd lent him on Saturday. He didn't really get the humor, but most people don't. I didn't respond to him until J left at 1am.

I like the fact that I'm seeing more than one person, because I was getting too attached to J and that could be dangerous. He doesn't want anything serious right now, and I agreed with him when we talked about it. But, ya know, I think I just want a steady guy to spend time with and J is that guy. But, since I now have D, I won't have to worry so much about that. He's a nice guy and wants to hang out with me, but I can't let him get attached. No one trumps J!!! I gotta say though, I LOVEEEEE being single!!! So many options! What was I doing for the past few years with a loser boyfriend?! I can't imagine myself in another situation like that...unless it was with J of course. But that won't be happening anytime soon, so I'm just going to enjoy my time with him for now...and D too. Lol...

Ciao!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Big Pimpin'...

What's up good people?

J has been text messaging me since this morning, while he was in class, so finally, I was like dude, just call me when you get out! My phone bill is ridiculous! Anyway, so he called me and we made plans to hang out tomorrow night after I get out of work. I'm going to leave at 8pm.................;-) yahoo! I'm so happy we're going to spend time together...

And D wants to hang with me tonight if I go to Kevin St. James...but I'm not staying there that long and he's probably going to get out of work late, so more than likely, I won't be seeing him. I guess it's just as well...since I'm seeing J tomorrow and no one trumps J lol. I'll never let him know that, but ya know...it is what it is! ;-)

Ciao!

Friday, March 04, 2005

Dang!

Snow was ridiculous on Monday. I managed to leave work around 11:30pm and got up to Yonkers with minimal trouble. Oh, but then, you know, fucking Yonkers (which, by the way, should be prepared for the damn snow considering that Westchester County gets considerably more snow than any other place in lower NY state) didn't plow shit. So I got stuck on Central Ave...then I got stuck on the hill that leads up into the 'mountain' in which I live...then I got stuck on detour number 2...then again on detour number 3, which was only successful after I coerced my car into moving...dang! Ugh, I was so tired when I got home. Woke up around 5am because I couldn't really sleep and called my school to see if we had class. Yes, but with a 10am delay. What the fuck is 1.5 hours? Shit...at least half the day would have made more sense.

Long story short: school was cool. I got a B- on my Anthropology exam and managed to make more great prints in Photography, so this week was a breeze.

Happy B-Day to my girl, Jessie! Had a great time at BLVD last night! I only have 2 pictures...one of me and Jessie before I got tipsy and one of this really nice guy I met. I won't be posting either one anywhere lol. I'm sure Jessie has pics on her site, anyway!! ;-) So this guy, D, is really, really nice. We went up to the Chelsea Square Diner for 'breakfast' and just talked and got to know each other a little bit. We talked about movies and when I dropped him off (he lives in Harlem), he brought 2 DVDs down to my car b/c they're his fave movies and I hadn't seen them. Isn't that nice!? Pretty much guranteeing that I'll be seeing him again, is my guess. He told me that I'm the most amazing person that he's met in a long time. That might have been the alcohol talking (and I said as much), but he said he wasn't drunk...whatevah! But he was very nice and respectful, and that goes a long way with me. I called him today and he invited me out to brunch on Sunday...but he knows I have to work, so he said he'd understand if I couldn't make it, but told me to really try. So we'll see.

J and I are still talking, but that's it, we're just talking. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. He has been really busy, and I understand that, but shit, I need some affection. I still REALLY like him and would like to have 100 of his offspring, but until that happens lol...damn I can't even finish this thought. It's too funny... (((gap in thought))) J is a great guy and I have been doing a very good job at not calling him (in 2 months, I can count the number of times I've called him on one hand)...that works for me...cuz the dude calls me every now and then, but definitely more often than I call him. We text each other almost every day and that's good enough for me. We made plans to see each other this coming week b/c he's getting knee surgery on St. Patty's Day :( and will be out of commission for at least a couple of weeks... :(

I told J that he has to get better by April 16th, for my b-day (well, my b-day is on Sunday, the 17th), but I'm celebrating on Saturday)... cuz I want him to come out with me. ;-)

So, to sum it up, all is well with me. I've had a certain man that lives in Fla. on my mind...haven't heard from him since Christmas time :-(...if you're reading: I hope you're doing well and I miss your emails.

I'm at work and I'm not leaving until midnight...I'm tireddddddddd!

Ciao!!