Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Friday, December 31, 2004

Happy New Year!!

Hello all! I'm going to the firehouse party in Long Island! Bought a fabulous outfit that looks smashing on me, so I'll be killing 'em tonight! I hope everyone has a safe and fantastic New Year's celebration! I gotta go get ready!!!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Ha ha ha ha...

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but,
[points to Ross] Monica: married a lesbian,
[points to Rachel] Monica: left a man at the altar,
[points to Phoebe] Monica: fell in love with a gay ice dancer,
[points to Joey] Monica: threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire,
[points to the box Chandler's in] Monica: livin' in a box!


Maaaannn...if my phone rings one more time with people asking what I'm doing tonight, I'm going to lose it. Now this one chick, we'll call her "Red", was harassing me about New Year's Eve. Now, I told her a multitude of times that I am not coming out of my pocket a couple of hundred bucks to get drunk and party. I can do that any night, and at a fraction of the cost. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a party-pooper, I just cannot justify spending that kind of money for a party. So Red tells me that she'll spot me $100 if I can come up with the extra $50. I almost lost it. I make enough money to go the hell out on New Year's but I just refuse to WASTE it when I know I'll get so drunk, I won't be able to remember the party on which I spent my money. So I told her no, I'm not going out until January. I have bills to pay and a shopping habit to maintain. PLUS, she is wicked obnoxious when she gets drunk. I can be obnoxious too, but not in public. She is loud and rude and I am not in the mood to deal with that or the constant boy-craziness. AND, she is on the gay side of bisexual when she gets drunk. I'm bisexual, but I don't go feeling up chicks (or dudes for that matter) when I'm drunk. She got a little rough dancing with me this one time when we went out and I do have boundaries. So, no thanks. Cool chick and all, but nah, I don't get down like that.

So Red texts me about going out tonight. I'm like nah man, I'm sick and plus I already said I'm not going out until January. According to my calendar, it's still December. So no. I am going home right after work, getting some rest and going shopping in the morning. Then I'm going to try to get back home early enough to get some rest before I make that long drive out to Long Island. Psycho neighbor seems like she wants me to drive out there with her, but sorry charlie, no can do. I am taking my yellow ass out there by myself so that I can leave when I want to the next day.

I will try to stay sober long enough to take some good pictures, but events involving open bar leave me in a corner puking on a wall, so I'm not sure I'll be in any condition to take pictures.

And, per the usual, no date on New Year's. "Q.T. McNewGuy" is too "new" to even consider (and he is already hanging out with one of his boys tomorrow night) and since I have not mastered the skill of juggling more than one man at a time (Dave & E do NOT count, since I was only talking to them on the phone at the same time, not dating them at the same time, if that makes any sense), I don't have anyone I can randomly call up. SO! Dateless. It's ok though. I won't have to hinder my drinking for fear of embarassment. I've already embarassed myself at this place, so there shouldn't be any surprises! (This the same place at which my roommate had her engagement party last month. I'm sure many of the same people who knew I was vomiting like a fool at that party will be at this one--so technically, I have no business going, but as my roommate put it: It's happened to all of them at one point or another and that place just does it to you. So fuck it.)

Fun parents are closing on the townhouse in 2 weeks, which means they'll probably be moving by February. No one will ever understand how happy that makes me. My parents will be out of the 'hood, FINALLY. They've been there waaayyy too long. About 25 years. So they're moving on up. My brother is going to keep the apartment, which means I'll still have a reason to go to the Bronx. And that's ok, I guess. But, I'm hoping he will be sick of it too and move up to Westchester with the rest of us.

Other news...hmmm...some of my credit card balances are dwindling down to nothing. But I still have a hefty balance on my GapCard (well, it's their fault for giving me a $1,200 limit. I mean, WTF?!)...But Visa number 1 is almost @ zero and Bloomie's only has a couple hundred on it. The 2 MasterCards are off the hook. I'll only live once, so fuck it, I'll live with some debt if I have some nice shoes *lol*...bad attitude, I know, but what can I say? I'm still young, I make good money, work hard and go to school...I'm entitled to some nice things!!! :-)

Alrighty...I gotta go get all supervisory right now, so I'm out.

"Feeling like a freak on a leash..."

*lol* My 2-way-pager was just delivered. So I now have an electronic leash so that I can be reached when I'm not in the office. Oh this is just lovely! All official and shit. Whatevahhh


I am sick as a dog today. I felt like shit yesterday and my roomie bought me medicine that I took last night and this morning, but I still feel sick. I want to go home (I'm at work). Damnit! :(

Fla. man called me early this morning but I was too knocked out on medicine to remember what we talked about. All I know is that he's on his way back to Florida. Wanted to see him but it just wasn't meant to be this time around.

"Q.T. McNewGuy" and I might hang out next week. Woohoo, is all I'm saying. Woo-hoo.

I'm sure I'll post again, since I'm the boss lady and I don't have shit to do.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Oh yea, I forgot to say...

...that a few posts ago, I mentioned that "Q.T. McNewGuy" looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model...beautiful body and um...yea, really hot. Well he used to be a manager @ A&F while he was in school. He's a teacher now, but you's ironic. :-)

I'm a poet... was great. Ha ha. But it really was. He is the PERFECT gentleman. Hopped out of his car to open the passenger door when he picked me up. Helped me in and everything. Now to some people, that may not be a big deal, but to me, it is. Guys these days aren't like that. You know, chivalrous. Anyway, won't get into details (a girl has to have something private to smile about!), but I WILL say that I had a fantastic time and so did he.

On that note, I am sick! I have some kind of head cold or something. I feel it coming on and I don't like it. So I'm going home at 10pm. I don't feel sick yet, but it's coming. My eyes are burning and I have no appetite. So you know there is a problem when I'm not hungry. So, I am going to take a preventative action and get some Theraflu or something from Timber, since he was sicky poo last week.

Other than that, not much is going on. Hi Mr. Marine man. You might be reading this sometime before you leave N.Y. and I must say that I'm happy you called yesterday but sad that I haven't seen you since you've been here. Gimme a call if you wanna change that. Check your email.

I'm out. Gotta rest my eyes.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Q.T. McNewGuy

So Q.T. McNewGuy called yesterday while Twin & I were still in my house. Made plans to hang out today after I got back from the movies with my mom & my niece. I went to Twin's house in BK and we chilled all day looking @ pictures and watching movies. Then he called again around 9 to tell me that he had a basketball game to go to @ the school he teaches at (pardon the grammar), so he wouldn't be free until about 10pm. So we're hanging around then. At the moment, I'm just relaxing with my roomie and then I am going to get started with the pre-date ritual. Just wanted to post real quick b/c I'll be busy later and b/c I know my life is that fucking exciting and all you readers are just dying to read my shit. *lol*...just kidding. I'm really not that exciting at all!!! :) Good evening, all.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

The end of the internet...

Today I think I may have reached the end of the internet. I have been here since 1pm and have not encountered one banker or one email from one. I am bored. WE are so bored, in fact, that Twin and I played "Friends" party trivia, AND taken just about every "Friends" trivia game on the internet. I even went so far as to enter my score into Excel and calculate my percentage of correct answers. OMG! We are so bored. Twin is on her lunch break and passed out on the ladies' room lounge. I am sitting here reading random blogs and doing nada!! Twin is going to sleep over tonight so we're going to get some alcohol and have a girlie night. Should be fun!! We figure we may as well spend our off days together since our schedules are so similar. I think we're going to go to Van's firehouse par-tay for New Year's Eve. All you can eat and drink for like $85 a person. Not bad, considering all the clubs in NYC are $150+. No can do Batman. Plus, we'll just stay out in L.I. in the same hotel I stayed @ for the engagement party, and that was only $90/night. So I figure I'm spending about $130, plus gas and tolls. That's not bad at all. If I went out in the city, I'd be spending twice that. The only thing is, I have to dress up. Whateva, I'll get some black pants and call it a day.

"Q. T. McNewGuy" hasn't called yet, but he said he'd call this week. It's actually a welcome change to last month, when I was juggling phone calls from E and Dave. Half the time I couldn't remember who I told what to, so I always ended up repeating myself to be safe. It's a shame that there was no chemistry with Dave, b/c he was a nice guy. And E, well, there was chemistry there, but I don't like flaky people, so I guess it's a good thing it ended how it did. Still, they were very nice guys, and hey, I went out on some dates, so I can't complain. But, "Q.T. McNewGuy" is a very nice guy and I hope to be hanging out with him some time this week. I figure this not talking everyday thing will be beneficial. Don't want to talk too much because what will we have to talk about when we go out? Exactly. So I won't call him until he calls me. Don't want to come across as too eager, even though I am ha ha.

Random pic:

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Sometimes the easiest thing to do in life is nothing...but that never got anyone anywhere. -- Me

As I sit here, in my room, on Christmas evening, doing laundry, I'm oddly at peace. Over the last few months, I've been in this vacuum. This constant twang in the back of head saying "do something". I never knew what I was supposed to be doing but I knew for sure, as I know now, that I was supposed to be doing something. I was in this pattern of being routine, getting sucked in to the daily bullshit. And I am so sick of that. I suppose that I'll make some resolutions this year. I never do because I know that I can never stick to them, but this year I'll try something different. As I've been saying, 2005 is going to be an important year. I don't know why, but I feel it. Big birthday coming up in 4 months, the big 25. And it's the first time in a few years that I've been completely happy. I'm not happy that I need to lose 15 lbs, I'm not happy that I'm still single, but these are things that will be taken care of this year.

I'm no longer in a rut. I feel like I'll be going places real soon. Got this promotion, which is a nice way to start out the year. Passed all my classes (barely, but I DIDN'T fail, as I thought I would). Got some shit going on for myself. And I can honestly say that I'm at peace with alot of shit. I know the holidays make most people super emotional, and I guess that's where all this is coming from. But I'm just a lucky person in a lot of ways. My family is incredible, the most amazing people I know. I have a few really, really wonderful friends. And the intimacy void will be filled by a guy this year. I know it. Screw sex. I've gone without it for a few months and I'll live. It's the intimacy that I miss the most, that first kiss, the first everything. The late night conversations...ahhh...I'll have that. I know it. And I can't wait.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Having a shitty day?

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Thursday, December 23, 2004

Christmas Eve Eve

Hello faithful readers! I am currently at work, with my thumb in my ass because I am SOOO bored! Lol, not really with my thumb in my ass, but that might be interesting in the workplace. I am supervisor extraordinaire today until 12am, then I get to go home and get drunk with my roommates, neighbors and assorted friends at my house. So I'm happy about that. I don't think there is any way that I could possibly leave early, but I get to send people home since it's dead over here. How nice. I get to close up shop. "Welcome to Management" is what they tell me! Some initiation!! Blahhhhhhhhhh...

Yea, so as I was saying before, lots of great changes coming up for the New Year and I am curious to see how everything transpires. Smoothly I hope. Also hope to have me a man in a few months. That would be ideal. And knowing my witty charm and famous good looks (*lol*), that'll happen.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Ahhh...good news for once!!

So I walk into work today, only to be approached by my manager (my supervisor reports to her, so this had to be important). She told me that I'm getting promoted to Weekend Supervisor. Now, to many, that may not be a big deal, but it's nothing to sneeze at. This means more $$$ and flex hours. I still have to work 4 days a week, but I'm off Tues, Weds, & Thursdays. My school schedule kind of fucked up the flow, cuz then I would only have had to work 3 13 hour days. Soooo...I don't officially get the raise and title until 6 months from now (since I recently got promoted and there is a 6 month lapse between promotions), but I'll be starting the position mid-January. So my weekends are pretty much shot as far as doing stuff during the day is concerned and my Fridays are GONE, but it'll pay off in a few months. So I have some AUTHORI-TAY. Lol. I have some now, but I'll have more in a few weeks. So it's a cool way to ring in the New Year. Lots of things to be happy about these days. Still lonely, but no longer depressed about it. Met a niiiiice guy (smart, beautiful & sweet too!!), but I won't get into that because I'm not stressing it (I WON'T jinx this one and DON'T want to fuck it up). So, again, lots of things to be excited about for the New Year.

Sent out my annual x-mas e-cards because my ass is too damn cheap to buy stamps to mail real cards. Got a few responses from people that I did NOT expect to hear from (like E), so that was nice. Happy to know that people appreciate the sentiment. Some people don't, lol. You know, you send out these E-Cards and you receive an email everytime someone views the card. SO! I know who's been naughty and who's been nice (a.k.a. who read my shit and responded and those who read it and didn't say SHIT). Whatever. So I'm outtie!!! I'll write tomorrow if I can, but I'll probably have my hands full, as I'm filling in as Supervisor on second shift tomorrow night.


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Nice few days off...

...called out on Sunday, so I've had the last 3 days off from work. I go back tomorrow and Thursday and then another 3 days off until Sunday. Woohoo lucky me. That's all I wanted to brag about. Oh yea, and the fact that I bought 2 pairs of sneakers today. Woohoo again!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Tired today...

Well, Slate was poppin' last night. I had a really big turnout and I am so happy about that. I didn't drink nearly as much as I should have! My cousin called me the night before last and said that she was going to come through with her fiance and his best man (the guy she's been trying to get me to meet forever). So I only had two drinks prior to their arrival and one after they got there. He is definitely a cutie, and definitely my know, I like the Abercrombie and Fitch model lookin' guys. And he is definitely that. Gorgeous smile and a body sculpted at Bally's...ok, let me stop right there. So now I definitely have to hit the gym! All in all, it was a great evening. Played pool...I beat my new friend, but I also got beat a few times too.

Got to my parent's house around 3am and slept until about 9am. So I am t-i-r-e-d. No way am I going to Brooklyn tonight for the X-Mas house par-tay. I'm going home to my b-e-d. I can't wait!


EDITED ON 12-23-04 TO SAY: I actually DID end up heading out to Brooklyn that night, hence the reason for calling out on Sunday. Had a goooood ass time, got ridiculously sloshed, played drinking games, went to the Canteena around the corner from John Carroll's house, back to JC's house to bullshit and fall asleep on an un-pumped up air mattress, curled in a ball with my roommate lol. Good times!

Thursday, December 16, 2004


Soooo...took my macro final today. I failed. I know it. I don't care much though.
Not much else to report. Slate tomorrow should be interesting...LOTS of people who I did NOT want to invite have asked me to send them the evite. And deep, deeeeeeep down inside, I felt bad for them (for being excluded), and I sent the evite. Maybe I DO have a heart. Whatever. There are just certain people at work that I don't choose to drink and play pool with. But hey, it's a bigggg place, so I can avoid whomever I choose.

Other than that, the next few weeks should be fun. My work schedule is not changing until the second week of January, so I'll have Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays off until then. No work, no school. I am sooo excited. All I have to do at some point next week is go shopping for x-mas gifts because my procrastinating ass has not even started. But anyway, that's all she wrote, so I'm out.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Danced...hardly any sleep...wrote a paper...

Ahhh!! Sunday was a fun day ha ha. Worked until 11pm, griped about our bitch ass interim supervisor and drove around trying to find a place to get some drinks and dance. Pretty difficult on a Sunday! NOTHING was happening. So Tea and I were like fuck, let's go to Guanica, old faithful. BUT! As we were going down B Street, we passed by a little spot (or what we thought was little) and people were outside smoking, so we were like fuck it, let's go in. It turned our to be Le Souk, the place that I've been DYING to go to!! OMG it was off the hook. You could smoke inside there and they had hooka pipes and great music. We had such a good time! I didn't get home until 5am again...then I woke up at 12:30pm and PROCRASTINATED like nobody's business. It took me 8 hours to write a 7 page paper. Grrr...and it's not even that great but whatever. I'm not going to even bother studying for the final tomorrow b/c I'm just going to cram in the morning. WHATEVER! I kind of don't care at this point. ;-)

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Gotta say it again...

"Look, bitch, you knew I was a SNAKE..."


Gone are the emotional posts because, although this is the only diary in which I write, I can't go on being like that anymore. I miss the old Yaz, the Yaz who was just like fuck everyone, fuck crying, fuck being lonely, all I need is me. That was me 4 years ago. I just didn't care. But, now I guess I've grown up alot and I finally know what it is to love someone. But sadly, that love is unrequited and I have to get over it. I keep telling myself that I'm ok and that everything will be alright. And it will. But the desperation I feel at times keeps nagging at me and pulls at the center of me and I feel so off sometimes. That's the loneliness again. But, I still have to revert back to the old days. I can't be this emotional time bomb because my words can eat away at people. And I suppose, one day, I'll meet the right dude to be with. He'll be right in every way and he'll want and love me just as much as I want and love him. No more of this holding onto fantasies bullshit. Its exhausting really, and I just don't have the time or the energy for it. So...fuck it, the old Yaz is back.

Words to live by when you fuck wit' Yaz...

"Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, 'Why have you done this to me?' And the snake answered, 'Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake.' -- Old Indian in Natural Born Killers


Wasn't really able to blog all day because I was trying to write a paper at work...and actually work at the same time. Yea, I got work done, alright, but not my paper. There is always tomorrow. Anyway, so wingman Twin is going to try to hook me up with this dude at Abercrombie and Fitch model, right down to the rosy cheeks! Not as cute at JZach, but whatever, he has a gf.

As for Baby Boy, well, if you're reading this, I'm disappointed. Always here for you, but man, I have put myself through a million and one emotions, just to realize that I love you but ostensibly, we can never be. I suppose I'll always feel what I feel for you, but the more time that goes by, the more I realize that fantasies are called fantasies for a reason... :(...unless...damn, I shouldn't even entertain it. Love u.

So the ex called me again on Friday. Of course I didn't pick up! He didn't leave a message either...went to the movies with my cousin to see "Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason" was really good. I highly recommend it considering I have Bridget Jones moments on a daily basis. Anyway, so I got home around 12am and went to bed around 1am. My phone went off around 1:45am. My ex text messaged me and said "I wish you wouldn't be like this". What? Smart? Shit, I have NADA to say. What the fuck would I pick up the phone for? The ass clown cheated on me (or rather, as I said, I was the other woman) for years. What? Not so much nigga. Damn I get ghetto when I talk about him. So happy to be SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alrighty then, I am going to bed...the sandman is calling... ;-)


p.s. I downloaded a whole bunch of Marilyn Manson songs (and NIN too), and made a hot CD. Now as I listened to MM, I was oddly turned on. His beats and his voice are so fuckin' sexual...Ok I know, I'm crazy, but hey man, shit.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


What's up people? Nothing much here, ready to get outta work in an hour...I have class in the a.m., but just History from 8:30am-9:50am, and then I have to drop off a paper to my College Writing teacher, but no class. And I'm elated. I get to go home @ like 10am!! Woohoo! Then I have to write a paper for History. Due on Tuesday, 5-7 pages on my understanding of we're all immigrants...and I truly believe it...but I don't want to get into that.

SO! The ex called me today. Whoa. When is the last time I said that!? He hasn't bothered me in about a month...hmm...actually, it might be 2 months. I don't know. Who the fuck is counting?! So of course, I didn't pick up the phone because I have nothing to say. He called twice back to back actually, I guess he thought that I would have picked up if he called again, um not so fucking much. Anyway, so he left me a message saying that he wanted to ask to use me as a reference (I guess he's trying to get a job. Whatever!!!), and that since I don't want to pick up the phone, "I see how it is", yah!!!!! ;-)...My co-worker was like, wow you didn't even pick up the phone? That's gangsta. I was like, nah, of course not, because I have noooothing to say to him. Absolutely nothing. I told him (my co-worker) that I SHOULD text message him or call him and tell him to call THAT BITCH and ask her for a reference. How about that? (oh, for those of you that don't know: I was with the ex for 3.5 years and he was cheating on me with his ex for ... 3.5 years. Yup. So technically, I was the other woman, as my supervisor pointed out to me over drinks the other night. I was like, wow, I guess I was!)... But, no, I won't give him the satisfaction of a response from me, however harsh I would make it. I wish he would just lose my number already.

Ok...I'm out...gotta go pretend to do work for the next hour...I'll write more tomorrow...


Wednesday, December 08, 2004


Went out with Twin and this girl she met the other night at Henrietta's. We had a good time...went to Slate and played pool for a couple of hours...had a few drinks. Went to Serena @ the Chelsea Hotel. It wasn't really my scene, so we left there and went to old faithful, Guanica. Twin's shorty was wild as hell. She was also VERY drunk. And that was kind if a turn off, if you ask me. But hey, she was cute and a freak, so I'll just leave it at that.

Got home at 5:07am. I only know the exact time because Twin called to make sure I got home ok and to tell me that homegirl didn't stop hurling. Gross. I've been there, but shit, that was like years ago. Whatever. Cool chick, but I told Twin she is not wifey material.

And I'm at work. Whoopeedoo. Haven't heard from Baby Boy...that's ok though, I know he's a busy guy. [if you're reading this though, hi cutie!]

Ok, I have to get back to pretending to work. ;-)

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Dear Diary... is better. I was depressed all last night...wrote Baby Boy an email...sharing those feelings...of loneliness...and received a reply this morning that I wasn't expecting. Nothing bad, nothing he says can ever be bad (because I am level headed and not crazy when it comes to him), but just kind of a let down...which to some people might sound bad, but it really wasn't. A reality check, I suppose. I know I can never have him due to circumstances beyond my control, but I guess it's always there in the back of my head. No one is perfect, but when I envision near perfection, I see him.
I know I don't feel lonely because of him and I know that I have a void that he can't physically fill...he is there for me, he listens, he picks me up when I'm down, even though he doesn't know he's doing so. I am most honest with him than anyone, in that I reveal feelings no one else knows I have. Above all else, he's someone for me to lean on, even if it's from afar.
He thinks he is an obstacle to me, but he could never be. If anything, he gives me strength to continue being me and never change. When I get shut down or hurt in some way, he is there to support me, even if it's just with his words. I hope he'll always be there for me like that, no matter what, because I sure do need it.
...He is perfect for me in every way, but we can never be. Someone wise said that he is my true love, anything can happen and never say never when it comes to him. And I know that even though may meet someone, the thought of Baby Boy and I being together will always be there...and my heart lies with him, even though he may not think he is good enough or worthy...even though he doesn't think he is special enough...he is...
I've spent years looking for the good in some men, only to realize that the good was me. But I think of him and I know that he is a good man in his own right, and want to strangle him everytime he puts himself down. I want to show him his worth and help him realize that he is better than he gives himself credit for...but I may never be able to do that, if he doesn't want me too...but whatever happens...
I'll love him still...

Monday, December 06, 2004


I fucking cried my damn eyes out today and that upsets me more than actually being depressed. I'm just so lonely and I'm not used to that at all. Yes, I have my family and friends, but it's not the same as having the affection of a man. Trust me, I don't want to call my ex, at all, ever. But, I don't even have a dude to talk to (bad grammar, I know, get over it). Can't shoot the shit with ANY guy. Well, I mean I have guy friends that I can call, my co-workers, my neighbor, but it's not the same as talking to a guy who I have feelings for or COULD have feelings for (I know, ok? Bad fucking grammar again, but I don't fucking care). Ugh. I am so disgusted with my life. It was fun being single, at first, but now it sucks. It has been almost four months. I don't even have any prospects. ZERO. NADA. I know how to exist on my own. And I'm ok with it. But I crave a man's touch, his voice. But nooooooo. As usual, I get the shit end of the fucking stick and that shit pisses me the fuck off.

Depressed today...

Sometimes shit hits you so late...delayed reaction I guess. Or perhaps I am just looking at everything in retrospect and know that I always want what, and whom, I can't have. Fuck...

"Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


Sunday, December 05, 2004

Oh, I want to cry...

Damn...I wish I could post the music file up here...this song is sooo beautiful...

"True Love Waits" – Radiohead
I'll drown my beliefs
To have you be in peace
I'll dress like your niece
And wash your swollen feet
Just don't leave
Don't leave
I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kiss and smile
Just don't leave
Don't leave
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps
And true love waits
In haunted attics
Just, don't leave
Don't leave
Just, dont leave
Dont leave


Heading to "718 Sessions" tonight in Brooklyn to get my dance on...

Provided that I have something in my car to wear! :)

AND I have class in the a.m....I'm pushing it, but fuck it. Gotta take advantage of events in NYC, since I'm always fronting about hanging out outside of Manhattan or Westchester. Soooo...I'm sure I'll be one tired girl tomorrow!


Well rested...

I'm at work, and I'm not in a bad mood. Well, not really, anyway.

I got a lottttt of sleep last night. I left work at 8pm, got home and hung out with my roomie...ran out for sushi at about 9:30, ate, stayed up watching Law & Order until about 11pm and knocked out. I woke up around 10am. I needed that rest. If I could have that kind of sleep once a week, I'd be happy.

Made a CD this morning with old school stuff: Mazzy Star, R.E.M., Hole, Marilyn Manson...good stuff...listening to it now.

Oh, how could I forget: HI HOT STUFF. If you're blushing, you know I'm talking about you. When will you be here??!??!


Saturday, December 04, 2004

Fuel my fire...

Yeah, there are some people that just fuel my fire. I don't know why I do the things that I do sometimes. I guess I do stuff for a reaction. Whatevahhh. I can't be particularly concerned with what people think.

I am soooo tired. I think I'm going home early today. This is ridiculous. I am too through. Speaking of being too through, I'm too through with some people. I can't put forth the effort anymore. Tired of wasting my time.

On a high note though, I've been thinking about Baby Boy alot lately and that makes me smile. I have my head on straight, though. Nor worries in that department, but its nice to have something (or someone) to smile about sometimes.

Still drunk... I was wasted last night. AND my dumb ass switched with Twin, so I had to be to work at 10am. Of course, my paranoid ass was here at like 9:30am, and I am ex-fuckin'-hausted. Went to this little shit bar, called Patio. Met up with Dr. Daniel. Yup, surgeon. Ok, anyway, that was cool. Stayed there chatting with him for about an hour, then bounced to Guanica to hang with Twin's people. Then, my drunk ass drove home at about 4am. So. I'm not a happy camper today, so I'm gonna go. ;-)

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Stressed out?

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Life is too short to bullshit. And life is too short to be stressed out. I am seriously going to make this t-shirt and wear it like, all the time! I nearly lose myself when I get stressed out. I mean really lose myself. I want to throw shit, my temper is so bad. BUT! There is hope yet. Everyday, a different thing makes me smile.

I sometimes feel that I am killing time instead of really living. And that is the worst feeling to have...sitting there, restless but not doing anything about it. I can't sleep at night because I'm restless, like I need to be doing something more. My energies are just so off kilter lately. And its such a good thing though. For years I put my energy into a worthless, meaningless, destructive and abusive relationship. And now that I am free from it, all of that energy is running through me, but I have no place to expend it. School? Nah. I need to put it into something I am passionate about...maybe next semester...:) My energy ain't going into work, since I do that with my eyes shut every night I'm here. Ahhh...I can't wait until I find that thing to feel passionate about. Something to inspire me...

Never say never!...

So. Even though I know its wrong, why does it feel so right? I know you'll read this eventually, baby boy, and you know its about you, but I don't care! :) Ahhh this shit is crazy. Luckily, I can keep a level head about it. I know my role...I know I'm just a friend, but its so hard to not want more. After the recent events (read: disappointments) in my life, I guess I just need something to hold on to. And, baby boy, you're it. Hearing from you...makes my day. I'm not going to get all crazy loco (ha ha) with it, but it's certainly nice to know that you're there for me, as I am always here for you.
Guess what's playing right now? "Run". Here are the words:

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Isn't that the greatest song ever?! You don't even have to hear it to know how beautiful it is. Look at the words!! Ok, I've got another one that I love..."Epiphany" -- Staind:

Your words to me, just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way.

I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it
wash away 'cause i can't take anymore of this,

I want to come apart
dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

Ok, enough of the sad song lyrics...

I've had so much shit on my mind lately, it's bugging me out. Thanks to my constant listener, the famous baby boy, I don't feel so self-conscious about being so aggressive. I can't be. It's sooo me. I just wish that I could find someone who felt the same way baby boy does. Someone who appreciates me as a woman. Damnit, babe, why?! Why all this crazy shit for 10 years? I wish you were here. I'm not going to blast the situation on here, but you know how disappointed I am about everything. But you know what? I'm always going to love you and be here for you, so I deal with what I gotta deal with in order to feel the way I do. :) smile!!

Who else reads my ish? Jess, where you at babe? Shouts to you b/c I haven't heard from you in a minute. My streaks are now green ha ha. Need a blue touch up! Anyway, gimme a ring girl.

Ok, I'm gonna cut this short now and go check my email. And pretend to do some work. And check my email. :)


Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I truly wish I had someone to sing for...

"Outside" - Staind

And you
Bring me to my knees
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Quiz time!

1. What time did you get up today? 9a.m.

2. Diamond or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw in cinema? Saw

4. What is your favorite TV show? Law & Order SVU, E.R.

5. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee

6. What is your middle name? Don't have one

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Spanish, Cuban and...SUSHI!!!

8. What foods do you dislike? Beef anything

9. What is your favorite cd at the moment? The Prodigy CD I made lol

10. What characteristics do you despise? Dishonesty, fucking cheaters, liars, inconsiderate fuckers (lol)

11. Favorite sandwich? Turkey & cheese

12. What kind of car do you drive? Mazda 626

13. Favorite item of clothing? My new black peacoat

14. If you could go on vacation anywhere, where would you go? Hawaii

15. What color is your bathroom? White

16. Favorite brand of clothing? Whatever I cut up and wear

17. Where would you retire to? Upstate NY

18. Favorite time of day? Sunset

19. Most memorable birthday? Hmmm...whichever one I don't remember!!!

20. Where were you born... Mount Sinai Hospital, NYC

21. Favorite sport to watch? Boxing

22. What fabric softener do you use? Whatever is on sale!

23. What do you drink..Coke or Pepsi? Neither, I don't drink soda

24. Morning person or night owl? Night Owl

25. What is your shoe size? 7.5

26. Do you have a pet? Nope

27. Any new and exciting news to share with family and friends? Men suck. Big surprise there huh?!?!??!


So I heard back from E. Apparently, something is "heating up" between him and a childhood female friend and he doesn't want to miss out. A little fucked up? Sure. But I can understand that. I mean I'd pretty much drop everything if that certain someone who is reading this for sure, (hi "pigeon"...u know who you are) would say, hey my situation has changed, let's get together. But what I DON'T understand, is how you can't be honest about that from the very beginning. He had plenty of time to do it, considering that we spent an average of 4 hours talking on the phone every night. He could have slipped it in there at some point. More to let me know that dating wouldn't lead us anywhere because he was waiting on someone else. Well, I suppose that would have been a hard thing to phrase, but I would have appreciated the honesty.

So, as it goes, THIS IS MY LIFE! It sucks. I am lonely beyond fucking belief and...NADA!

Perhaps Santa will leave a hot man on my doorstep to give me a hug next month. That would be nice, wouldn't it, Marine man?

Ahhh...ok, I'm out. Gotta get ready for work :(